Drive Thru Ashes at Church?! Really?!

Ohio church offers drive-thru for Ash Wednesday

CINCINNATI (AP) - An Ohio church is offering a drive-thru Ash Wednesday blessing for parishioners pressed for time or reluctant to come inside the church for the Lenten observance.
The Rev. Patricia Anderson Cook of Mt. Healthy United Methodist Church in suburban Cincinnati offered the ashes Wednesday evening for people of all faiths beginning around 5 p.m. in the church parking lot.......

Is this what we have come to? What's next drive thru confession? Communion? Maybe a quick shot with a squirt gun and call it a Baptism. Yo Padre I'll have the #3 combo - Absolution with a rosary on the side, and make that absolution a super-size cause mardi gras was a hum-dinger. And could you hurry up I gotta get home and watch Oprah reruns.

I gotta admit that I didn't know churches other than us Catholics did the ash thing. But the total tonnage of things I don't know is enough to fill the grand canyon or one of Roseanne Barr's dresses.

Be that as it may, is this what it has come to? Drive thru church? Are we really that busy that we can't get out of the car and go into the church for ashes? How long would it take for this chick playing church to actually trace a cross on someone's forehead, assuning it wasn't Herman Munster's.What is so important that we have to get on down the road for? See who Kim Kardashian is sleeping with this week? What drug Lindsy Lohan got busted for? Hit Starsux for a $6 Frappuccino Caramel Macchiato Mocha Soy Latte with skim milk of course. Turn on the news to see what civil right the Obama administration has violated now? (here's a clue, all of them have been violated by him)

This is almost as bad as the long lines at the McDonald's near our house. The drive-thru is bumper-to-bumper out to the road and the parking lot is empty. Hey people it would actually be faster to get your super-sized lard-butts OUT of the car, walk in, order, get your grease, and walk back to the car. At least you will burn a few calories and save a few quarters, no make that dollars (can't drill for new oil or import it from Canada in the land of the free), worth of gas.

Sigh, I am getting too old. When I was young I would have considered things like this just silly and something to be mocked. Maybe get in the car with some buddies and grab a few beers, drive thru the right Reverend Patricia's Ashes to Go r' Us (does she have a large black cross in the parking lot instead of golden arches?) and gotten my head tattooed up and told Patty she had a nice ash. Now instead of laughing it off it actually angers me......I am only one step away from being the old guy that sits on the front porch and yells at the neighborhood kids to get off his lawn and curses at the teens driving by in their rice-burners with the bass booming while playing their rap "music"

 Rev Pattie-kins finger painting foreheads....hey where has that finger been? And is she using the middle finger?

50-most-extraordinary-churches-of-the-world

Love them or hate them but some of them are pretty interesting looking

50 Most Extraordinary Churches of the World

What's Next?

Squirt Guns for Baptisms?
Robots in the confessionals?
Credit card machines instead of collection baskets?

IPad coming to church altars with daily missal app
June 18, 2010 - 1:32pm

ROME (AP) - An Italian priest has developed an iPad application that will let priests celebrate Mass with an iPad on the altar instead of the regular Roman missal.

The Rev. Paolo Padrini, a consultant with the Vatican's Pontifical Council for Social Communications, said Friday that the free application will be launched in July in English, French, Spanish, Italian and Latin.

Two years ago, Padrini developed the iBreviary, an application that brought the book of daily prayers used by priests onto iPhones. He said the iPad application is similar but also contains the complete missal _ containing all that is said and sung during Mass throughout the liturgical year.

Pope Benedict XVI has sought to reach out to young people through new media.

(Copyright 2010 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.)

Ok I can see the iBreviary being somewhat useful and kosher. While I prefer a good old fashion paper book, I guess when traveling having the Breviary on and iPad would be handy. But an iPad on the altar? Seriously? I don't even think the iPad Queen would go for that.

Some of the "Catholic" churches already look ridiculous enough. What with their lack of Crucifixes, Holy Water Fonts, Kneelers and their drum-sets, hot-tubs for baptisms and pant-suit wearing nuns. Do we really need mini-computers on the altar of sacrifice?

I am embarrassed that an Italian would come up with this. An American or Australian I can see. But and Italian? With all that history and beauty over there, not to mention great food. Sigh - am I just overacting? Being old fashion? A jerk?

The Vatican's Top Album's

The Vatican has released a list of the top Rock/Pop albums of all time

Why? Not really sure but here is the list. For the record I own or have owned 7 of the 10. Everything but the Fleetwood Mac, David Crosby and Donald Fagen albums.

Rock on Benedict!

THE TOP TEN (In order of release)

1. Revolver by the Beatles

2. If I could Only Remember My Name by David Crosby

3. The Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd

4. Rumours by Fleetwood Mac

5. The Nightfly by Donald Fagen

6. Thriller by Michael Jackson

7. Graceland by Paul Simon

8. Achtung Baby by U2

9. (What's the story) Morning Glory by Oasis

10. Supernatural by Carlos Santana

Are You Kathlick?

THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school.

So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.

One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

Sure," said the janitor.

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "You are now baptized!"

When they got outside, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."

"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."

"We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"

They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'

"I think it means we're Pisskopailians!"

Today's Reading

and now a brief spiritual interlude.
With apologies to King David - from various sources

PSALM 2010

Obama is the shepherd I did not want.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
He restoreth my faith in the Republican party.
He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line,
I shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with me.
He has anointed my income with taxes,
My expenses runneth over.
Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will live in a mortgaged home forever.
I am glad I am American,
I am glad that I am free.
But I wish I was a dog...
And Obama was a tree.

Catholic Code

This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original 'Jaws' story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy)

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph had Obama-Care insurance. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

Steve Wood's Top 10 for 2009

For those of you who don't know Steve. He is a former protestant pastor who converted to Catholicism years ago and he is the founder of St. Joseph's Covenant Keepers.

He was also hugely instrumental in the early 90's in keeping me Catholic during a crisis of faith, faith in the true church not faith in God - that's a story for another much longer and thought out post.

So check out his list. Christmas is coming after all. And while the items on his list might not give you the instant worldly satisfaction that say a new pair of running shoes or a pound of Italian Roast Coffee does, they will have lasting eternal benefits.

Check out Steve's Top 10 resources for Catholic families for 2009

And check out his websites for other great resources and information:

Family Life Center

and

Dad's.org

Vote, Hire, Rent Me Cause I'm a Christian

Jesus loves the little children
All the children of the world;
Red and yellow, black and white,
They are precious in his sight;
Jesus loves the little children of the world.
Sunday School Teachers Everywhere

Does it matter? Should we care? I don’t care. But maybe I should, I don’t know. Help a brother figure it out.

A fellow blogger brings up a good discussion point. Should we care if someone, be it an American Idol contestant, a plumber we hire, a piano teacher etc.....is a Christian?

This was originally in regards to Danny Gokey, Idolette wannabe and alleged Christian. Alleged because how the heck do I know? The man is smug, arrogant, fakes humility, pimps his dead-wife for advancement and is facing a cruelty to kittens charge back home in Milwaukee – ok I made the last one up. So maybe he is a Christian of sorts. Maybe he is the World’s Best Christian. I have no idea.

Lord knows I know a lot about being a bad Christian, having personally been a bad Catholic for 44 years now, so I should fit right in with the old Gokester. I mean you don’t spend as much time as I do in the Catholic Penalty Box one Saturday afternoon a month and call yourself a good Catholic. Heck I haven’t qualified for the express confessional since I was a wee little lad. For my non-Catholic readers, there are at least 2 confessionals in a Catholic church and one of them has a sign that says “10 Sins or Less” kinda like in a grocery store. This one is for people with just a few minor sins; things like: lusting after your neighbors second new BMW in as many years, or the fact that while his kids are inside practicing the violin or playing chess, yours are eating their boogers and playing happy birthday on their armpits. Or when you secretly laugh at the fat person in front of you in line at McDonald's when they order: 2 Big Macs, extra large fries, an apple pie and a Diet Coke. Yea I know, I’m going to be in purgatory for a very very very long time.

So let’s assume he is Christian for the sake of argument. And a good one at that (I’m feeling generous today). Because unlike John Vianney and Padre Pio I can’t read souls, but I’m pretty sure my wife can read mine – which scares the hell out of me, literally. Should this matter in our voting or rooting for him? Should it matter in other things of everyday life? Like hiring a new employee, finding the right plumber or a good leg waxes.

I owned a Christian Bookstore for 10 years and got to meet and know 100’s and 100’s of Christian’s. Some were great people who are still friends of mine today. Others were annoying jerks. Always trying to “Out-Jesus” you. “Our church has 3 hour Sunday services with 2 hours of preaching plus we go another 2 hours on our Wednesday Night Spirit-Filled Prayer Meeting and Bake Sale Revival Night”! Well bully for you! We have an 8 o’clock Sunday morning Mass that is music free and lasts 40 minutes PLUS we have Friday night Bingo with dollar beers from 7-9! Sitting in church doesn’t automatically make you a Christian any more than sitting in the garage makes you a car. My non-Christian friends are very similar. Some are great people to be around and some are total tools. So unless you are talking about the things of eternity, what does it matter?

Let’s say you have a Catholic, a Baptist, and a Heathen’ plumber all vying for a toilet replacement job at your home. More than likely the Catholic and the Heathen will both just give you and an estimate and some references if asked. The Baptist on seeing your 13 Christian Fish plastered on the back of you van will start talking to you about being a Christian and why you should hire him because he’s “a brother in the faith”. So should I hire him because of that? Should it factor in my choice at all? I guess all things being equal; same skill level and price, I’d hire the Catholic first (at least my church would get some of the money back in the collection basket), the ‘Heathen’ second.

I’d hire the Baptist last of all. I mean come on people. I’m going to trust someone who doesn’t drink or dance with fixing my porcelain throne? Please. (Yo Rob, you don’t dance or sing either). Well now that is true, but during my borderline professional drinking career I danced plenty. Of course my dancing was a cross between Danny’s White Bread dancing and Meghan’s Spin-Cycle Washing Machine style. Plus they would be elbow deep in slime working on your pipes and trying to ‘save’ you at the same time – kinda freaks me out and gives me the creeps. Note: I’m not really picking on Baptist, they were just the first that came to mind.


People also bring up the ‘more wholesome’ argument. As in “Joe Bible Song singer is a Christian and therefore more moral and therefore deserving of support”. There are 2 big problems with this train of thought. 1) 99% of Christian Singers are lame imitations of their secular counterparts. I mean apart from The 77’s, Jars of Clay, DC Talk and Rich Mullins – who is any good? Make that later Rich Mullins music. His early stuff was pretty sappy. That Mighty Dog song was catchy but incredibly trite. (um, Rob that would be “Awesome God” not “Mighty Dog” you dyslexic buffoon). The 2nd issue is what more moral Christian singers? Oh you mean I should buy Sandi Patti CD’s. Oh wait she had an affair with her manager and divorced her husband. Ok then maybe Michael English. Never mind, almost forgot that he had an affair and knocked-up some woman. Well then how about superstar Amy Grant. Opps – had an affair with Vince Gill and then divorced her husband to marry Mr. Gill. Well we always have BeBe Winans, member of that Uber Wholesome Gospel family, The Winans. Well wholesome other than his arrest last month for beating his ex-wife that is.

Ok, you get my point? Things aren’t always as they seem. I’m sure most ‘Christian’ recording artists are ok people, but you just never know.

Anyway people what are your opinions on this? Should I be voting for Smuggy McSmuggerson to win American Idol because he claims the cross of Christ as his standard? Should I be hiring Patty McPraysaLot to clean my house because she can shout hallelujah louder than the next gal?

Should someone’s Christianity be an overriding factor, a tie-breaking factor or no factor at all?

If I applied this practice to music or the movies, I’d never own a CD or DVD. It’s all so confusing. What’s a sardonic guy to do?

(oh – and no matter what you say, I ain’t voting for Mr. McSmuggerson tonight)

Forget Porky Pig

Ricky Raccoon is the real health risk.




Rare Disease, Raccoon Roundworm, Strikes Two in New York

New York City health officials are reporting two cases of raccoon roundworm; a disease contracted through contact with raccoon feces. It can cause permanent nerve damage and death.

The department's Sally Slavinski says:

"Parents should closely supervise small children in areas where raccoons live to prevent possible ingestion of raccoon feces."

So all you people who are over reacting about the swine-flu "epidemic" can now add Raccoon Roundworm to your ever growing lists of things to fear - things that only the government and media seem to thing are a big deal....hmm, I wonder why that is?

I'm glad NY health officials are warning parents not to let their kids eat raccoon poop. What a great public service government officials provide. NY residents must be so proud when they pay their taxes to know that they have officials like this looking out for them.

Isn't "not eating poop (any poop)" part of parenting 101? If health 'experts' are only warning about eating raccoon poop, does that mean that opossum, fox and deer poop are ok?


One major plus of the people acting like sissies about the Swine-Flu, Catholic churches in my area are making the 'sign-o-peace' optional. It took people getting ill for this bane of the liturgy to get de-emphasized but it's a start. Maybe if I turn loose some raccoon's in our church I can get rid of this pinko-commie plot forever. Or better yet I'll have all the kids wear pig-noses to Mass next week, that should do the trick.

Shocking Headline!!!!

"Pro-abortion President Obama to speak at Catholic Notre Dame”


Shocking indeed – Notre Dame University is still Catholic?

Hey Buddy Can You Spare a Dime?

Or $10 or $20 or $50? Maybe you can maybe you can’t. I realize these are tough times for some people so if you are one of them then don’t worry about the rest of this post. (you guys hang in there the Feds are on the job! – just remember; there is no problem that the government can’t make worse).

For the rest of you with a bit of change to spare…read on. Check out the website for Catholic World Missions. They ship food and medicine to the poorest of the poor. And unlike some relief supplies, these foods and medicines are handled by the Missionaries of the Poor, Sisters. So you know your donations are having a direct impact. How do I know this? Well anyone who has ever gone to Catholic School or CCD or had any encounter with Nuns knows what I’m talking about. These woman don’t take no for an answer. If they set their mind to do something it gets done. Think of Attila the Hun but in a habit and with a heart of gold.

So your donations aren’t ending up in the hands of some third world dictator so he can build a huge palace with 20 bathrooms, a heart-shaped pool, a cocoa-motion machine and hedges sculpted into the shape of The Donk.

I know everyone has various charities and churches they support but if you are looking for a good one to help out, please check out CWM. Maybe a cash donation equal to the equivalent of the amount you would spend on a Christmas gift for a close family member would be a good place to start.

And I promise to not ask you to donate to any cause for at least the rest of the year. Unless of course The Donk decides to get that Ear-Job he has been saving up for.

Pope Cracks Down on Slackers

From Bloomberg news:

“For the first time in almost half a century, Vatican administration staff will clock in for work as part of a clampdown on slackers, a sign that the global financial crisis has also spread to the world’s smallest state.

“Timekeeping was scrapped in 1960 under Pope John XXIII. Starting Jan. 1, the practice returns. All Holy See employees will be given magnetic badges and forced to clock in and out in an effort to track their movements and ensure they’re working a full day, said a Vatican spokesman who declined to be named.

“‘We can’t afford any waste,’ Bishop Renato Boccardo, secretary of the Governatorate of Vatican City State, told La Stampa newspaper. ‘There is a lot of work that needs doing, and the financial situation doesn’t allow us to hire more staff.’”

Just one more Sign of the Apocalypse

Told You the Sign of the Peace was a Commie Plot

The Sign of Peace ‘Jamboree’

Don’t Take it Personally Babs

Maybe there is something to this middle-child syndrome. Yesterday morning we did our normal get everyone dressed and out the door and rush to church thing. We needed to be there at least 15 minutes early since Caleb was serving High Mass.

We actually had it easy yesterday. Alex and Josh are away at school, and Lizzie was staying home with 2 of the little ones since she was going to a teen Mass Sunday night. So that meant we only had…um…let me get my shoes off…11 kids – 2 at school…- 3 staying at home…carry the 1…….…. = 6 kids going to church…I think. So we get a little was down the road and Sam realizes that Barbara (age 12 and the 5th child) wasn’t in the van. Not only that, no one had seen her that morning...she was still in the sack.

Part of it was Babs’ fault. She was pouting the night before because we moved Hunter (Cecilia 2) into her room. She is now sharing her room with Hunter and Mary (4). To make a long story short, Eric (1) busted up his crib on Saturday and we moved a few kids around. And Barbara was not happy about it so apparently she slept in the Eric’s old room which is now empty.

Where were we? Oh yeah, in the van. So I made a u-turn, try that in a 15 passenger van, and Sam called the house and told Lizzie to get Barbara up and have her get dressed. We picked up a non-plussed Barbara and went to church. She was very tired and grouchy looking for most of Mass.

The birth order of our kids never has seemed to make any difference on their personalities but maybe I was wrong and we are ignoring Barbara and she will be some mal-adjusted loser of a kid, staying in her room all the time, conjugating verbs and sewing Little House on the Prairie replica dresses.

Nah, not Babs, she is our social butterfly. She’s always playing friends, going to some party or generally having a great time. So much for the shrinks and their middle child syndrome.

I mean if Jan Brady survived with having to live up to Marica and put up with that whiny Cindy, than Babs will be just fine.

Pelosi vs. The Church

Warning - Scary Bug-Eyed Lady - not suitable for people with taste.

Pass the Gas

VALLEY CITY, North Dakota (AP) -- Carol Umsted got more than the word of God during services this summer at the Congregational United Church of Christ of Valley City.

She also got $50 worth of free gas, thanks to winning a raffle. For the local farmer, it was a nice side benefit, at a time when gas was more than $4 a gallon.

Churches nationwide are making similar offers, ranging from gas card raffles to 99-cent gas sales at local stations, to boost attendance during the vacation season and attract new members.

But some Christians question whether a financial incentive should be used to draw people into church.


Now normally I would be all over this, giving these churches a hard time. But we are talking Free Gas. Have you seen how much gas costs? Of course you have. Plus I don't have time, we are in CT for the weekend visiting Josh.

Heck I'd become a Moonie or a Hare Krishna for the day for a free tank of gas.



Before you judge me; do you realize I have 4 vehicles that require fueling.

2002 Chevy Prizm 30 mpg
1992 Pont Sunbird 25 mpg
1998 Chevy Suburban 15 mpg
2002 Doge 15-passenger van 12 mpg

Gasoline it now our third highest monthly expense, after the mortgage and the grocery bill.

So be kind to me.

A Non-Catholics Guide to Mass

Written by popular demand – ok one person asked for it but that’s better than nothing.

Ok here’s what you need to know to get through a Mass without standing-out like a vegetarian at a cannibal convention.

First a warning (not to beat a dead donk…but). If you enter the church and find out it’s the priest day off, go ahead and sit down but be prepared to bolt if need be. The Deacon will probably be doing the Baptism or Wedding or Communion Service (similar to a Mass – but very lame). If the Deacon is not there and you see a woman in the 60 year-old or better age-range, wearing a pants-suit or a semi-clergy looking outfit...run! Don’t’ even hesitate and pretend like you are heading to the bathroom, just get up and run from the church, screaming is allowed. This person is either a radical ‘nun’ leftover from the 60’s and 70’s or a ‘priest wannabe’ lay person (regular person not clergy) or both. There are a whole gaggle of older women who hang around certain churches just waiting for the priest to ask them to help out or for the priest to go on vacation so they can get their hands on the keys to the church. For some reason they haven’t figured out that after 2000 years the Catholic Church is not going to change its mind and allow female clergy. Why these women don’t leave and join a church that does allow it is a great mystery to me.

Ok here’s how to get a handle on this Catholic Mass think. I know it can be confusing and us cradle-Catholics tend to forget that not everyone knows what to do at Mass.

Heck I don’t know when to sit, stand or kneel half the time. There is a Catholic parody of The Clash’s “Should I Stay of Should I go” called “Should I Stand of Should I Kneel”. It’s funny cause it hits the truth. When I accidently stand at the wrong time I just grab the seat of my pants and act like I’ve got a wedgie that needs fixing and then sit back down like nothing happened. This wouldn’t be so embarrassing if my Honey didn’t make us sit up front.

The best way to know what to do is to sit towards the back and follow the crowd like a lemming. Of course that means getting there early so you can get a seat in the back…the way Catholics avoid the front of the church, you would think all priests had B.O. or bad breath.

The kneeling parts of Mass are the most solemn and important parts. Some visitors aren’t comfortable with the kneeling. It’s ok to sit during these parts just try and be as quiet as possible. This would be the worst possible time to have to go to the potty or be sick…just ask my Robert aka ‘Puke in Church Boy’.

You can follow along with a lot of the Mass in a booklet called a Missal that should be in the pews. You aren’t excepted to do the parts that require the congregation to respond. But you can if you won’t.

The choir leader will announce the number to each hymn to be sung. Sing if you wish, you might be the only one.

The ‘sign of the peace’ is about the only time you might have to actively participate. The priest will say “let us offer each other a sign of peace”. People will turn to each other; shake hands and say something like “peace be with you” or “peace of Christ”. It’s some touchy-feely commie-pinko thing that was added to the Mass in the late 60’s/early 70’s. It’s annoying but pretty painless. Plus it makes Rachel happy since it’s the only time her 18-old will let her kiss him. If you want you can just fold your arms across your chest and scowl at people, it works for me. The worst is the priest who has to come of the altar and shake everyone’s hand within reach…you’d think they were running for public office.

Kids are welcome at Mass. If they get to loud just take them to the cry-room if there is one or to the back of the church. Some Masses will have a nursery or Sunday school if you want to use those.

If communion is offered just stay in your seat and let others pass by. Don’t get in line and go up. Some churches encourage people not receiving communion to come up anyway with their arms folded across their chests to receive a blessing. While this is fine for little kids, adults look like real dorks doing this. Especially when it’s a lay person not a priest giving out communion.



Don’t call the priest: Mr. or Reverend. If you aren’t comfortable calling him Father than just say hi.

Now if you happen to wander into a charismatic church and want to fit in, here is a primer on how to speak in tongues. Just repeat these two phrases over and over in a fast cadence: “Shot of vodka” and “She came in a Honda” while holding your arms up like you are signaling a touchdown.

Be careful when you leave the parking lot. It can be like a demolition derby out there. What with people rushing to get out as fast as they can to go watch football or go shopping or hit Mickey D’s for another nutritious breakfast.

What I can’t tell you about:

1) The secret handshake
2) The paddle-line initiation to join
3) What days we bring out the rattle-snakes
4) What our church colors are
5) The secret catacombs beneath each church
6) The magic underwear
7) How to get out of Purgatory (actually if you figure that one out let me know)


And if you try to find out any of these things I’ll rap your knuckles with a ruler.

Other than that y'all are welcome to come to Mass anytime you want.

Beam Me Up Scotty

Hologram Pastors?!
An estimated 2,000 to 2,500 U.S. congregations now operate multiple campuses, and many of them, like Buckhead Church, are so-called video venues. The Leadership Network, a Christian nonprofit that follows these multisite churches, says there will be 30,000 of them within a few years. Already, the most ambitious pastors are predicting that, thanks to video, they'll have branded outlets nationwide and more than 100,000 followers—twice as large as the country's biggest megachurch today. Gigachurches are the way that next-generation celebrity evangelists are building their empires.

What's next? Virtual confessions? Techno music for hymns? Hummus and a Soy Latte in place of communion?

If these 'pastors' had a bunch of these Video Churches, they will be bi-locating better than Padre Pio.

McChurches like this make are making it too easy for me to be snarky.

Why even bother going to one of these places of (do I dare say worship?) whatever they are. Why not just stay home and watch the 'televangelist of the month' on TV. How is this any different than sitting at home in front of the tube? Heck you don't have to get dressed up and you don't have to use any gas to get there. Just sit around the plasma TV in your boxer shorts with a cup of coffee. These Godzilla-Churches must hate trees - encouraging people to use their cars on Sunday mornings. What would Al Gore think? Does Al Gore think?

Let's more churches = more members = more donations = more private jets, mansions and fancy cars. Or am I just being too cynical...nah not me, couldn't be that...

If you are going to franchise churches you might as well put a Starbucks in it too. Wait, too late.

Their Shoes Needed Cleaning Anyway

We had an assortment of sick kids while on vacation (see tomorrow's post for details).

So I'm sitting next to Robert (8) at 10am Mass this morning. During the consecration he turns to me and says "dad my stomach feels sick". Normally I would tell him to chill at least until the consecration was over. Especially since we sit in the second pew right in the middle of the church. But I had him get up and sent him to the bathroom in the basement...he almost made it...

I tried to follow his progression towards the back of the church but lost sight of him. A few minutes later I see a few friends walking towards Sam who was at the other end of the pew. She gets up and meets then half-way.

Friends "Robert got sick"

Sam "Did he make it to the bathroom?"

Friends "Almost"

He tossed his cookies right before the door to the basement and behind the last pew. All over the floor and half a dozen people's shoes that were sticking out of the back of the pew because they were still kneeling.

Really it's their own fault for being typical Catholics and sitting in the back of church. There were plenty of seats near the front. If you are gonna sit in the back of church so you can be the first out of the parking lot...getting barfed on is a small price to pay.

After Mass a teen friend came up to Robert and told him "If puking was an Olympic sport, you would have won Gold".