Friday, January 30, 2009

Snow Day Humor

Just a reminder that you should check you kids homework before they turn it in.
Look at the picture and then read the mother's explanation to her daughter's teacher. (names left out for privacy)

Dear (Teacher),

I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot. From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely, Mrs. ...(Mother)

From the Baltimore Examiner.

American Idol Night - '09

Finally! The last of the auditions! NYC and PR tonight and then we are off to Hollywood next week. These have been some rough audition shows. At least when we get to Hollywood it will be the better singers and they will have bands backing them up. We are told NYC and PR are the best yet. So why are we cramming 2 cities into 1 hour when Phoenix got 2 hours? Inquiring minds want to know.

First up is NYC. The gang of four arrive via helicopter, not sure how that fits into the whole going green thing that FOX and Idol have been promoting.

First up is Adeola, it appears she has quit her job the day before and wants to be the next AI. Simon suggests she get her job back, Simon the humanitarian offers to call the boss and help her get it back. And they get her boss on the phone and Simon gets her job back……..and I roll my eyes.

Jorge Nunez is up next. I guess we switched to PR. I need to keep up. Jorge sings in Spanish and is pretty good, and then he goes with an English tune. Randy gives him a ‘Dude’ and ‘Dawg’. High praise indeed. And they let him through.

Commercial time, I’m off to channel surf.

We come back from break and we are in NYC…um no we are in PR.

Here is Jessika a ‘professional’ singing contest enterer. She says she has entered over 700 contests and won some. She’s terrible, really. Jessika pleads and whines. She’s getting really annoying. Finally they boot her. And she leads into a montage of other whiners who stink.

Now we hope back up to NYC. We got some bald ‘free to be me’ chick. She hasn’t started singing and I already hate her. I hope she’s bad (does that make me a bad person? I don’t care). Melinda likes to dance naked and wants to bring peace to the world. She says “I want to uplift humanity to a place of love and humanity.” I have absolutely no idea what that means. Simon tells her to imagine Randy naked….a visual I will always hate Simon for giving me. Sad to say the judges like her and she’s going to Hollywood, maybe her flight will be delayed with a long stopover in the Hudson River….one can hope.

After our break we start up back in NYC.

Rocker, guitarist, sporter of a muffin-top…Jackie Thong (excuse me Rob? It’s Tong not Thong, carry on) is singing Jason Marz’s ‘I’m Yours’. Which is a real hard song to sing (I should know, I sing it to the Donk in the gym shower). She’s trying to sing it like Jason does. It’s awful. Simon gets her to sing something else. It’s way better. Nice raspy vocals.

Ok back to PR with a bunch of annoying pleaders. None of which we see much of cause it’s commercial time.

Crazy, weird and gimmicky people time. Joel the human ipod comes out with a huge cardboard cutout of an ipod. He’s a whack job. Now he’s pulled out a Lion King sock puppet and is singing Circle of Life. Ok that was our psycho Puerto Rican……..

………Now it’s time for our screwed up New Yorker, Nick Mitchell. He’s screwed up but kinda funny. He and Simon trade barbs. Crazy Norman (or is it Nick) is now singing Amazing Grace. He needs to be locked up. Paula and Kara say yes and beg Randy to say yes. Randy plays along and lets weirdo-rama through. Now if he can only get through airport security and actually get to Hollywood.

Hmmm so far we’ve had no promos for a SSN. Are we really going to be spared someone with a tragic story? Someone who’s hamster died in a freak vacuum cleaner accident maybe.

And yes of course we are back with more awful people.

We got some girl who brought her little brother with her for luck and to up the cute quotient. Little Christopher gives the judges a seashell. Monique (16) is going to sing You Can’t Hurry Love by The Supremes. I like Monique. She’s sweet and sings halfway decently. Simon and Christopher have her sing another song. Kara and Randy nix her. Paula of course loves everyone and says yes. Simon takes a chance on her and says yes.

One more break and then our final audition segment of this season. Halleluiah!

Ah it’s potty-mouth girl, Alexis Cohen, from Season 7 back for more. This time she’s acting polite and cleaned herself up some. She still stinks. Simon says so and she resorts back to cursing like a Donk listening to Queen. Or is that Donk is a Queen?

Last up is Patrica Lewis Homan. A very soulful pretty young lady. She’s tolerable. Now she’s singing in Espanol. Mucho better. Randy yes, Paula no?!, oh come on people let her go to HW…..and they do.

See ya next week in Hollywood. I’ll be the one wearing the shades

Thursday, January 29, 2009

American Idol Night - '09

Tonight we are in lovely SALT LAKE CITY (SLC). Home of last year’s runner-up Baby Elmo, the 2002 Winter Olympics, Robert Redford, Ted Bundy, The Osmonds and Roseanne Barr. It’s also where The Donk has is summer retreat. He likes to go there a few times each year for mediation and contemplation on the meaning of life. Or maybe it’s to watch Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life.

And we are off and running. Here’s Baby E himself, some fat dude pulling up his shirt, The Osmonds and someone in a pink rabbit suit looking like Ralphie from Christmas Story.

We see lots of people lined up all night waiting to get in – probably drinking non-alcoholic beer. Paula and Kara are actually not showing cleavage for a change. All males 14-24 just changed to the channel to Ultimate fighting. Randy is here and probably just doubled the number of black people in SLC. Simon gets fawned over and pawed my various female fans (Brigham Young rolls over in his grave)

First up is a story of Alan Osmond’s son David. We meet his family – there might be more people at his house than mine. Pleasant guy with spiky hair. Both father and son have MS. David is singing a Take 6 song for the judges. He’s got a nice voice. Misses a few notes but overall he’s good. Paula, Randy and Kara all babble. And then surprise surprise he gets the yellow ticket.

Here is our first commercial break. I won’t be listing the commercials tonight. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is on ABC Family so I’ll be switching over during the break. Plus let’s face it who cares about the commercials.

And here is SLC’s only ‘Goth’, Tara Matthews. She gives Goth’s a bad name. And she claims to have ESP. Maybe she should use it to win the lottery and buy some new clothes. And of course she’s predictably bad. Why? Why do we have to have these people? Another foil for the judges to have at. Simon and crew are surprisingly restrained. Goth Girl gives us half a peace sign on her way out.

And here is tonight’s horrid singer montage. Lets hope it’s the only one of the night.

Next up is Chris. Chris with his Simon t-shirt, Simon head on a stick and a large dude in a pink bunny costume. I had day-dreams of scenes like this in college. Randy is digging on the Bunny. But both are sent packing after Bunny hugs and picks up Simon.

Commercial time, we are promised good singers when we return. Let’s hope so. Off to see Wonka.

SLC is a pretty looking city. We get to see lots of people being polite ala Archie. The Seacrest and his flannel wanna be shirt give the contestants some advice.

Next up his Frankie Jordan from Hollywood. She’s an Amy Winehouse wannabe. She’s not bad but something about her bugs me. Maybe it’s that she looks like Amy but in an attractive non-scary way, bit why should that bug me? Simon likes her, Paula does too (of course), Kara and Randy fall in line also and she’s going back home to Hollywood. Seacrest makes the Frankie goes to Hollywood joke, I wanted to do that.

Next up is another mom, Megan Corkery. With a very tattooed arm and a frumpy dress. She could actually be pretty if someone gave her a makeover. Part of her singing is good, part scares the dogs in my neighborhood. If she can get rid of the mad notes she’s got a good jazzy voice. The judges love her. Why? Cause she’s different they say. Well in that case let guy with pink bunny man through.

Break time but first a promo for our SSN (Sob Story of the Night). Some cute ‘free spirit’ with a deceased hippy dad. Apparently ‘free-spirit’ is code for needs to shower.

Back from break with pimply face Andrew. Who does ‘soul’ without soul and is booted.

Here is High School class president, Austin Sisneros. He seems like a nice kid, hope he doesn’t stink and get made fun off. He sounds gospel like. Not the right sound for this show. Ok he’s doing another song….by Raffi….I hate Raffi almost as much as I hate Barney. Randy, Kara and Paula all give him a pass. Simon says he’s likable but needs to act younger. Austin cries and smiles afterwards. A Baby Elmo in training?

Lumberjack in training, Seacrest, tells this is where they made the High School musical movies. And here is collection of people crying. And more bad auditions in high speed fast forward.

16 year old girl with a name I can’t pronounce and recently from and island I didn’t catch the name of is up next. Ok her name is Taylor. She’s very tall and is singing Joyful, Joyful. Good voice. Paula, Randy, and Kara gush over her and more importantly Simon likes her too.

Another promo for SSN and you are treated to more ads and I get to watch Willy Wonka. Good screen work by LOL – Violet is turning into a big fat violet blueberry, love that part. I can’t stand bratty kids.

Here is 17 year old Rose Flack our ‘free-spirit’ and SSN of the night from Idaho. Rose is living with her best friend and her family. Her dad died when she was 13 years old and her mom died when she was 15. Rose apparently doesn’t own shoes – must be rough on the feet during the Idaho winters. She’s got a brother who doesn’t seem to know what a bar of soap and water are either. Yes I’m being mean and yes I know she lost both her parents. I feel bad for her. I’m just sick of FOX and their making money of the sad stories. She has a good personality. She’s singing I Feel the Earth Move. I like her voice, I still think she needs to be cleaned-up, but the girl can sing pretty well. The judges aren’t thrilled with her voice but think she has something special so she’s thru.

And that’s it for tonight. Oh what’s this? AI is on for 2 hours tomorrow night. From NY and Puerto Rico. And then we will be down with the auditions and we go to Hollywood next week.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

American Idol Night - '09

Today’s auditions come to you from Amelia Island, FL and are brought to you by the letters ‘A’ and ‘L’. As in Awful and Lame.

Simon and his ubiquitous grey t-shirt are rolling in a limo with The Secrest tagging along. Paula and Kara have dueling cleavage going on.

Horrors of horrors a Journey flashback with a young Randy with a Fro.

First up is 22 year-old Josh Ulloa who comes I jumping around like a jack rabbit and proceeds to strike a post and snap his fingers through a Marvin Gaye song. Simon calls it part good, gimmicky and like Inspector Gadget. But Simon lets him through. Is that a sign that the rest of the people aren’t going to be great?

Now we chat with a cute girl, Sharon Wilbur, and here little dog Sasha. Sasha climbs into Simons lap. Sharon sings a Karen Carpenter song. She has a rough and scratchy voice (sounds like she smokes and drinks bourbon straight). I like her voice. Kara and Paula do a pretend make-out session and I take a break to throw-up in my mouth. Yuck.

Well at least we got in two auditions before the AT&T, Coke, movie preview, Pizza Hut, make-up or something like that, H&R Block, TV preview, plus 2 other commercial that I don’t what they were for.

And we are back with RS driving a golf cart and pretending he is lost

And first up is Dana who is sent packing real fast by Simon

Ok and now we have Kawanse (sp?) a very confident 16 yo who can’t really sing but seems sweet.

And now we have some crazy looking chick, Julissa, wearing a beauty crown. Miss Everglades or something like that. She’s doing Whitney; no one ever gets away with singing Whitney. Simon disses here laugh. And for some unknown reason they give her a golden ticket – to Hollywood or the crazy hospital?

Ad time, Electrolux washer and dryer, Olive Garden (gag me with a breadstick), Covergirl, Stride gum, Subway (gag Jerod), Idol promo, Carnival Cruises (there’s a recession dudes – good luck), and something called The Employee Free Choice Act (yeah I have know idea either), Giant grocery store, Chevy, FOX TV promo. I need to time these segments, that was a lot.

First up is a Chatty-Kathy dude named Darin Darnell. Who gets all emotional when his buddy gets cut. He’s doing some Boyz to Men. Or maybe he isn’t, he’s crying again. He finally starts, maybe he’s better when he’s happy, cause he’s not good when sad. Mercifully Simon stops him and lets him done easy, for Simon that is.

Naomi, perky and slightly crazy girl with nice hair (it’s all about the hair) comes in and brings in her friend who loves Randy for some reason. Samantha, whose red hair matches the color of Randy’s shirt, sits on Randy’s lap, Kara is sitting on Simon and Seacrest is sitting on Paula. Finally she starts singing and she’s truly awful.

Quick montage of bad singers and day one is over. Coming up day two – with the ‘good’ talent?

Let’s see what we have for break time; Ford, Movie preview, KFC, Orbit gum (what’s with all the gum commercials), Wal-Mart, Shampoo commercial, Disney DVD movie, Campbell’s soup, AI promo, FOX TV show promo and 5 minutes later we are back.

Cute young girl Jasmine, with her sisters, is up next. She’s 16 and singing Fergie. I hope she’s good cause I like her. And she’s not bad at all. The Gang of Four likes her too.

18 yo Nerdy physics major is up next. He looks like the Una-Bomber. But his name is George. Maybe he should take up bombing cause he just bombed the audition.

Holy Cow it’s commercial time, seriously! This is nuts. First some weird commercial with a dog pushing adult toilet paper wipes – Be Kind to Your Behind. And then another dozen or so commercials.

First up is Anne Marie (and some commie last name). She starts by sucking up to Kara. She’s a pleasant 24 year old. Simon sends her away and tells her to come back as a super star. I guess we will see her later.

Up next is a dude who tried out last year, T’K Hash (pipe). He’s singing Lennon’s Imagine. I hate this song. Sorry Beatles fans. He gives it a soul-vibe spin. I like it better than the original. Simon says no but the other 3 give him the nod.

I guess we will have to wait for Anna Marie’s second coming until after another slew of commercials, her and crying bandana boy (CBB).

I’m a little upset; it appears we will have no SSN (sop story of the night). You would think the AI producers could have found some tragic story to take advantage of. Maybe someone who’s kitten was thrown off that bridge they keep showing.

We are back and start off with CBB (Michael) who is upset that he can’t use his guitar. He’s doing Jumper by Third Eye Blind. He’s actually not too bad. But the judges don’t seem to like him much. His whininess is annoying. He gets sent packing. He whines even more afterwards. If he wasn’t such a baby he might have made it.

Anne Marie is back and looking not too bad. She’s signing Bubbly. And she’s good and she’s in.

16 tickets were given out tonight. Not the worst show they’ve had this year, but not great either.

Next week we are headed to Baby Elmo’s home town of Salt Lake City (behave Donk)

Monday, January 26, 2009

Happy Birthday Caleb

16 years old today! But alas no drivers license, yet. (the peoples republic of maryland - who obviuosly knows better than parents what their kids are capable of - doesn't allow you to get a license until you are 16 and 3 months)

Sam has a nice post and pictures here

Friday, January 23, 2009

Today's Workouts

5 mile trail run and then a 1,200 yard swim

Why Doesn’t Cheese Taste Good on Chinese Food?

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Today's Workouts

15 mile run this morning. A bit chilly out, 17 at the start 20 when I finished.

American Idol Night - '09

Here is where I insert my regular disclaimer about this post not being edited and I’m not responsible for any loss of life or limb or maiming of small animals.

Tonight we are at Churchill Downs KY home of the Kentucky Derby, I guess first up will be Seattle Slew or Sea Biscuit.

And we are off and running – please, please be better than the awful tripe from last night

Simon is wearing a black t-shirt today instead of his gray-white one (the rebel), Paula is sporting a school-marm hairdo and glasses. Randy is wearing, ah who cares what Randy is wearing? New Girl is looking pretty good in a black dress.

Random people are lining up to try out. Guy in a porta-potty, girl with blue-hair – it is the blue grass state.

First up is some tall leggy pale blonde with scary eyes and fake eyelashes named Tiffany (of course). Who is going to college if she doesn’t make it. She’s rough; she’s going to college or beauty school. Simon compares her to a donkey. I don’t think she sings as bad as The Donk – I’ve heard him in the shower, ewwww

Next up is Joanna. A pretty dark haired lass. She seems like a normal person compared to the first one. Hmmm she used to have a record deal, Kara knows of her. She’s got a strong voice. Simon actually smiles. Randy tries to smile but the Botox prevents it. She gets four yeses.

And at the 9 minute mark we have our first commercial break. More car, food and weed commercials…the American dream

And here is Mark Mudd, doing a WV bluegrass sounding tune. And looking like a shaved-head psycho who might snap. He’s not getting the golden ticket, restraining order maybe.

Brent Keith does a bluesy rocking version of Can’t Get Enough of Your Love. Simon tries to give him some advice and the chicks freak out. Kara threatens to not talk anymore! (Yes! Finally!) Brent gets the tic

Well we’ve had 2 auditions so it must be time for a commercial.

Now time for the prerequisite truly awful and weird. Including some guy with a mask that looks like a Zebra Super Hero

Matt Giurad is a ‘Dueling Piano Player’. He fights duels with pianos? Guns or Knives? I like him. Let’s see what the judges have to say. They dig him to and send him on.

Ross the Nerd is up next. He does something with Chinese characters, rearranges them or something. Probably has Chinese characters on his footsie PJ’s. He’s not good. He drinks some water and tries again with Love Me Tender. He’s sent packing. Back to play Dungeons and Dragons I guess.

A quick montage of hopefuls jumping around with their golden paper to the tune of Shout and then on to some commercials…whoa lots of commercials

Day 2 and a new outfit for Paula. She’s gone from looking like a spinster-librarian to a hooker. Simon is still in a black shirt and Randy is in white shirt. They should be singing Ebony and Ivory

First up is Alexis Grace a stay at home mom whose hubby is away at military school. She is bringing the soul out of a little white girl body and all but Kara like her. I thought she was good. What’s Kara’s problem? She seems to like to be argumentative just for the heck of it – Simon wannabe without the gift of sarcasm Simon has

Well that was one audition this segment, which is a lot of work, so we better take a commercial break. But first a preview look at our Sob Story of the Night (SSN). Looks like it’s a former homeless person or something

After the break a quick look at bunch of awful people.

And here is Aaron Williamson. A very, very hyper black dude. Break out the Ritalin. He starts of with a loud shout that almost knocks Paula ‘Working Girl’ Abdul’s boobs right out of her dress. The Seacrest comes in to see what the racket was all about. Aaron is sent to the showers. Afterwards with The Seacrest he’s chatting with his dad who is sporting an awesome pink shirt

Here is Rebecca Garcia. A cute regular girl with a ‘cheat-sheet’ on her arm. She’s going Carrie Underwood country. She’s bad and the judges start ripping her. Kara gets real nasty. She claims to think the girl is joking with them. Not sure even Simon is that rough.

We get a quick glimpse at some good people, thank God. Now why couldn’t we see more of them? We will have to ponder that question later cause its commercial time. But first another tease of the SSN.

And here we are. The moment we have all been waiting for…SSN time!!! Its 18 year-old Leneshe Young daughter of a single mom. Seems they are poor but not homeless (it doesn’t really matter anymore cause now that The Chosen One is in office he is starting a new bailout program called the ‘American Idol Sob Story of the Night’ fund). If the feds don’t come through there is a back-up plan, a preacher prophesied that she would make here momma rich one day. I’m sure he will be coming around for his 10% tithe if she makes it all the way. She sings an original song. She’s ok. The judges gush over her!?!?! She wasn’t that good….oh wait she’s the SSN, she has to go through. Randy, Kara and Simon all say yes. Paula says no then says she was just joking…the big kidder.

And that wraps up tonight’s show. See ya next week. Same bat time same bat channel.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Today's Workouts

5 mile trail run and 1,200 yard swim at lunch time

American Idol Night - '09

Warning this is an un-edited post. The owner of this Blog takes no responsibility (for pretty much anything he does) for what’s said below. All slights are intended.

We come to you tonight from lovely San Francisco. Land of sunshine and beaches. Does this mean we will have a repeat of night one’s Tall Skinny Singing Bikini Babe? Will Randy, with all the work he’s had done on his face, feel right at home? Will Paula skip the show to go sunbathing? (What? San Fran isn't real hot - Oh i must be thinking of san diego - my bad) Will Simon be wearing his traditional grey/white t-shirt? Will new girl had some ‘Dudes’ to her already tiring saying of ‘Chops’ and ‘Total Package’?

This and other burning questions will be answered on tonight’s edition of AI.

Ok its looking a little cold there, maybe this one wasn’t filmed last summer.

The Seacrest starts the show and gets critiqued by the judges

First up is some girl whose name I can’t spell and/or pronounce but she has an incredible annoying laugh and a weird dress with a mosquito net attached to the bottom of it. More laughing and finally some ‘singing’. Oh so dramatic during the judging. Paula with her 10 year-old Michael Jackson hat on says yes, Randy and his very smooth face says yes and new girl says yes. So her and her annoying laugh are off to Hollywood. One can only hope her psychic is wrong

Ford commercial and an announcement that they are the sponsor of AI…Ford must of gotten their bailout check at the inauguration today.

Olive Garden commercial – have I ever blogged about them before? – Italian Fast Food….blech. it’s sacrilegious, unless you are Irish or British and have no idea what good food is

Nick Reed 17 year-old High School student with orange hair – probably gets stuffed in his locker a lot by the jocks

Unemployed dude wearing my grandmother’s drapes as a jacket is up next. Kinda looks and sounds like a wolf baying at the moon. He starts to show what’s under his coat – the Fox censors reach for their buttons

Next up is Jesus, no not that One, the non-walking on water one. Got his wife and kids with him. He’s not awful. He plays the Kid Card. Kids come trooping in with their signs. Jesus II and Gabriel (really). Randy has him sing to his kids. Schlocky but it works.

Side note – Randy appears to being a necklace made out of colored macaroni noodles, probably stolen from my house.

We now break to pay the bills and for Paula to buy a new hat – hopefully

RS is wearing a white t-shirt with a black sweatshirt over it…a little too casual?

Dalton ‘Rubik’s Cube’ Powell sings a Smokey Robinson song. He has about 1% of Smokey’s voice. He’s very bad and shy.

Here’s another break, man that was a short segment. I guess this is an hour commercial where occasionally American Idol breaks out

A little montage of Simon and Kara spatting…boring.

Here is some chick with wild skunk hair who is studying anatomy or something. Learning all the parts of the throat. Maybe she’s studying to be a serial killer…her name is something like A-Killer…what? Oh its Akilah. She butchers two songs and then goes into a lecture on body parts and the judges’ resumes. When she messes up and says that she "sang from the wrong rectum." ?huh? Paula leaves and the Serial Killer won’t leave. Now Kara tries to get rid of her. That was kinda bizarre. Ok that was really bizarre

And shockers of shockers, more ads. The first one is for Weed or maybe it’s against weed. You can’t really tell. No cameo appearance my Jason Castro in the commercial…weird…
Here’s an Acura commercial…hmm…maybe Obama didn’t give Ford a check today after all

We are 45 minutes into a 60 minute show and it stinks so far…can no one in San Fran sing. Where’s Janis or The Dead when you need them.

We are back with 10 second clips of a few people that made it.

Here is Annie Murdock. Going do some Bonnie Raitt but has no idea what she wants to sing. She is also unemployed (a sign of the recession) and not likely to get a job as a singer anytime soon. Simon thinks she sings like a booze hound.

Here is slightly hyper Adam (who my teen girls think is cute). Doing a little queen tonight (for the Donk I suppose). I like him. Simon calls him theatrical. But says yes and so do the others so own he goes. He says had a crash on Paula when he was 10 and proceeds to kiss her hand

Yes more commercials at least we got to see two whole auditions that segment

Here is our last of the day. Kai the Lama,(excuse me? Oh Kalama) our requisite sob-story for the night. This dude takes care of his mother who has seizures. He casually mentions he’s not dating anyone at the moment…Ladies? He’s very confident and he’s not bad. I like the hair. (its all about the hair). More Simon/Kara cat-fighting and Kai is thru to HW. And Randy dishes out his first Dawg of the night. We almost made it without a Dawg. A shot of Kai calling Mumba (mom I guess).

12 from SF make the cut – worst city yet

Ok that’s it for tonight – I’m off for a late night run with Uncle Bryan

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Today's Workouts

9 mile run right before lunch at the track of the local high school. Plus a short run planned for later tonight after AI. Probably 5 miles or so with the kids Uncle Bryan.

edit - ran 7 mile after AI. 16 total for the day.

If it's the 20th of the Month

It must be date-day. 19 years and 4 months anniversary. Sam and I went to lunch at a local family restaurant. Cream of Crab soup for both us. Plus a cheese steak sub for Sam and an Italian salad for me.

Monday, January 19, 2009

What’s in a title?

When did we start supping-up job titles? Does it make people feel better about themselves and their jobs? Do they have that low of self esteem that they have to have an important sounding job title?

Secretary has become Administrative Assistant

Babysitters are Childcare Providers

Bank Tellers are Customer Service Representatives

Sales Clerk’s are called Sales Associates

Sandwich Artist equals Subway employee

Housewife’s are known as Domestic Engineers

Garbage Men are Refuse Collectors

Even Drug Dealers and Strippers have gotten into the act. They now like to be called Street Pharmaceutical Engineers and Clothing Removal Specialists respectively

So maybe Nurse’s Aides should be called Gluteus Maximus Wipers

Even my job title sounds a lot more important than it is. I’m a Software Tester and that title is fine with me but officially at my company my job title is ‘Senior Quality Assurance Engineer’. Seriously. Sounds pretty important don’t it? Bet you wish you were me now….LOL. What you don’t know is that a trained monkey or even a donkey could do my job. Right Donk?

Oh yeah I forgot what brought all this on. Sam dropped off the door to our wood stove today at a glass repair shop. One of the teenagers, who shall remain nameless (Caleb), broke the glass in the door. Anyway the shop called later in the day to say that the ‘Technician’ would be looking at it tomorrow and let us know his opinion. Dude just put another stinking piece of glass in the door. Heck I could do it if I wasn’t so darn lazy and un-handy.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Their Goose Wasn't Cooked

I'm sure by now everyone has seen the news stories of the plane that had to land in the Hudson River after messing up it's engine/s when it hit a flock of geese. The pictures and video's are quite amazing. Mad props to the pilot for the wicked landing.

You may or may not have seen that the Feds rushed to assure everyone that they didn't think that the 'Goose Attack' was not terrorist related. Do we actually pay these people?

On a related note, Greenpeace has filed an animal cruelty lawsuit against; US Airways, Airbus (the manufacturer of the plane), the planes pilots and Henry Hudson the British sailor who explored the river and had it named after him........and who died in 1611. Spokesmen for the Hudson Family declined to comment for this article.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Not Quite Sure That's the Way it Works

Mary (5) "I want mommy to eat lots of chocolate so we can have a black baby this time. I really want a black baby sister"

Today's Workouts

21 mile run in the lovely cold weather before breakfast.

American Idol Night - '09

Night two of the auditions.

These auditions are from Kansas City, home of last year’s winner David Cook.

Is it just me or has Randy had work done? Botox maybe?

Jason ‘420’ Castro is here with his brother who is trying out.

Chelsea is up first and she’s not good, Simon and Randy break out the cat falling of the Empire State Building comparison. The ladies try to be nice. Apparently I think like Randy and Simon (not something to be proud of – I know), right before they started with the cat stuff I said to the family “She sounds like a cat being tortured’

Ashley ‘I have Cher Bangs’ is up next. She messes up the words but then restarts and nails it.

It appears that Judge Kara’s go to word is going to be ‘Chops’

After a long commercial break….are we sure ther is a recession? You wouldn’t know it from the amount if commercials. I guess AI can still command the major jack for its ad spots

Casey is up, weird outfit combo (pretty dress with cowboy boots) but cute and can sing. The judges agree too

Brian ‘Former opera Singer Wannabe’ Big voice, not a good voice, but a big voice. Kinda Freaked me out. Randy breaks out his first ‘Dawg’ of the night

Another long break to pay for some more Botox shots for Randy and grey t-shirts for Simon

We get to briefly meet David Cook’s parents

Then we are ‘treated’ to a host of bad singers. Fodder for the judges.

Now we have Von ‘I’m not Dorothy’ Schmidt singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow. The judges leave him and us hanging for some more commercials.

Hey want do you know, Ford is still in business. It’s an ad for some vehicle called Flex. Or maybe that’s not the name and what it does? I’m not sure I was in too much shock that Ford still made cars

Hey we are back and the Vonster is going to H-Wood. Kara breaks out her second great Chops of the night. Maybe she’s getting paid per Chop

Now we have a Jason Castro flashback (Jason probably has a lot of flashbacks). And they bring out Jason and his bro Michael who is trying out this year. He’s got some Pink and Black emo-hairdo going. He’s so-so. Kara calls him ‘ballsy’ and sends FOX’s censors scrambling for the beep button. The judges send him through. If I worked at LAX I’d check Jason for weed and Michael for ecstasy

And that’s it for that segment back to our main program of the night, commercials

A yellow and orange suited guy is signing “Do you want a banana?” I will have nightmares of that dude for years to come.

Next we have big tough dude (like the oil rigger from last night). I think I’m going to like him and I do. Randy says no, Kara and Paula say yes………and Simon goes along with the chicks.

Seacrest hasn’t annoyed me once tonight and he has on a brown and green strip shirt that I’m digging….hmm what could that mean?

Jasmine ‘Jazz’ Joseph is doing her Dorothy impersonation too. How many people are going to try and sing Somewhere over the Rainbow tonight? I mean I understand we are in Kansas…but…She gets the heave ho.

More Wizard of Oz references…..

Jessica Paige Furney is doing a Janis Joplin song – that’s a tall order. But the girl has some lungs on her and belts it out pretty well and is heading west

And yes it’s time for more commercials –shocking I know

We are back with some rappin’ sisters. One very small and one very large. Asia, the bigger of the two, goes first and is bad. India, the smaller one, isn’t too bad. The judges send India and whacks Asia.

Jamar ‘Bartender’ Rogers – I sure hopes he mixes drinks better than he sings. But apparently I know zero about music since the judges send him on.

Coming up after another 600 commercials we are promised a moving and dramatic story

Now we are back and it’s Danny Gokey’s story (he’s Jamar’s ‘brother’ – not a real brother since he is white an Jamar is black – but you probably figured that out by yourself). His wife died recently. I assume he’s going to be good or else they wouldn’t have done the heart-breaking story on him, not even FOX would stoop that low would they? And yes, he is good.

Oh no, now we get a handful of truly awful women. More casualties for the judges to make faces at and fun of. The judges seem more restrained this year. A Kinder Gentler AI?

Now we have Anoop, a mildly geeky looking Indian dude, who can sing. The judges are surprised that he can sing and give him the yellow piece of paper.

And back to the painful and ridiculous all singing “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” and then thankfully it’s over and we get to watch commercials instead.

We are back and its ‘gimmick people time’. A whole assortment of the weird and crazy – no way to list them all. Except for one, Andrew, who sends in two ‘cheerleaders’ to warm-up the judges for him. Tall skinny white dude is going to sing “My Girl”. Simon says no to Andrew and the cheerleaders. Randy says yes but then changes his mind. The cheer squad starts bawling. And Andrew is sent away. And there are even more cheerleaders waiting outside with The Seacrest.

Band Director Asa Barnes. He looks like a cool regular dude. Randy gives him two Dawgs. He’s going to sing a MJ song (Michael Jackson not Jordon). Simon questions why he chose that song, Asa says cause he likes the song. The judges all say yes. Asa is greeted outside by very cute little daughter and pretty preggo wife.

Break time people, smoke if you got em.

Here’s a strange looking cat wearing a medal he won for singing way back in grade school. He has some mommy-complex and is doing the idol audition to prove to momma that he can sing. Momma was right.
The song he sings is one he wrote about his mom and then he sings one about his grandma. He might need some therapy.

And now a high-energy ‘crazy’ black dude, Dennis Brigham, he says he had a dream about Simon saying he was the best. It’s a nuts and over-the-top performance. Somehow he talks the 3 minor judges into sending him on, Simon is not fooled.

Hey get this, its commercial time again, I know, I’m shocked too. Most of the ads are for either fast-food places or movie and TV promos. It seems America no longer makes anything but we like to sit around and eat and watch movies and get fat.

Red Dress, Red Streaked Hair girl is first up after the break. She is grating on the ears. The judges cut her short and axe her. She threatens to bring down the wrath of God on the judges.

A pleasant mother of 3, Lil Rounds, is up next, she has a sob story too (real one), tornado trashed her place. She’s doing Stevie Wonder, minus the glasses and blindness, she has a good soulful voice. Kara really likes, Paula Loves her, Simon gives her a fantastic and Randy agrees. Good, she’s a real person.

So at the end of the show the tally is another 27 giving the golden ticket.

I have no time to proofread this, so be nice people. I’m off to bed to get some shuteye before my long run in the am.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

RIP Mr. Roarke

Ricardo Montalban, aka Mr. Roarke, dies at 88

What kid watching TV in the late 70's - early 80's didn't want to go to Fantasy Island?

He also played in many other shows, musicals and movies. Including Khan in Star Trek-The Wrath of Khan. But he will always be best remembered as the disher-outer of fantasies in Fantasy Island.

88 years is a pretty good run so don't be sad. As Mr. Roarke would say "Smiles, everyone... smiles!"

Today's Workouts

5 mile trail run and then a 1,200 yard swim with Sir Donk

American Idol Night - '09

Ok Sam was out for the evening and I was bored so I watched the show even though I said I wouldn’t. Here are a few random thoughts from last night’s show

We are in lovely Arizona for auditions

A rocker wannbe who cries - a lot

Paula flipped-off Simon

A scary tatted-up girl got through, reminiscent of Carly from last season

A unintelligible geek who almost barfs and things like cross between Freddy and Jason. Actually there were a few of those

A black person with a kinda Mohawk haircut who I couldn’t tell if it was a he or a she

A sweet 16 year-old girl who Simon is actually nice to and lets her through

A guy with a freakishly deep voice

Crazy 16 yo wearing pink who is a HUGE Kara fan – she has stalker written all over her

An oilrig tough guy who sings a Boyz II Men song!?.....and is good – go figure

‘Bikini Girl’ who almost gets into a cat-fight with Kara and Paula. if you close your eyes and just listen to her, she actually sings well

Detroit’s woes seemed to have affected the advertising, there weren’t 42 Ford commercials

Some guy who calls himself ‘Sexual Chocolate’ – dude stole my nickname

Ryan Seacrest is still a dork – albeit a rich one

17 yo Goth-Emo hybrid who makes horror movies with his camcorder - who sings better than you would think from looking at him – judges think so too and give him the a golden ticket (it gets one to Hollywood not Wonka World)

According to the promos a blind-dude is coming on. Simon wouldn’t make fun of a blind person would he?

Sweet southern gal who sings Sittin on the Dock of the Bay and sells it

Some squirrelly dude that Simon doesn’t like but Randy and the rest do so he gets through…I’m with Simon on this one…oh well maybe with a band backing him up he will sound better

Time for blind guy, college at 14! I don’t find him great but he’s ok. The judges send him on to Hollywood. Hopefully they really liked him and he wasn’t sent through as a feel-good story only

So bottom line, we got some good and some mediocre singers (no one particularly great) going to Hollywood.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

They Are Back!

Before American Idol starts tonight, let’s guess what’s going to happen.

Randy will say Hot a lot and call male and female contestants alike ‘Dawg’

Paula will:

a) Show too much cleavage
b) Seem to be drunk and/or high
c) Inappropriately gush about how much she loves some underage boy singer
d) All of the above

Simon will either be incredibly rude in criticizing someone’s performance or think they were the best he’s ever heard.

New judge Kara DioGuardi will struggle to get a word in. Although it’s possible the other 3 will let her talk at least on this her first night.

Regular updates will be posted once they get to Hollywood or a truck stop off I-80 outside Des Moines Iowa or wherever they are having the finals this year. First we have to get through the more obnoxious early auditions.

The original 3 Mouseketeers
Newcomer Judge Kara

Today's Workouts

Nice and semi-fast 9 mile run this morning with the kids Uncle Bryan

Monday, January 12, 2009

I Love Karma

Apparently the TSA's (those of the motto 'You are Guilty until Proven Innocent') new uniforms are making their stormtroopers sick.

From the Washington Post - "skin rashes, …runny or bloody noses, lightheadedness, red eyes, and swollen and cracked lips." Or at least that’s what the American Federation of Government Employees (AFGE) claims. It "estimate[s]" that 200 or 300 "workers" have complained of such symptoms.

The tormentors are now being tormented by their new uniforms - there is a God!

The new uniforms (including badges) have a cop wannabe look (the better to terrorize passengers with?) and were unveiled last summer to the tune of a $12 million price tag. 12,000,000 of your dollars and mine.

Allegedly it's the formaldehyde used to make the uniforms permanent press that are causing the trouble - didn't we just have a similar problem with bra's and some woman's tata's?

No word on whether or not their jackboots were too tight also.

The real police aren't too thrilled with the new digs either. Police officers and their unions across country are worried about the TSA impersonating the real police.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Today's Workouts

Lunch time - 3.2 mile run and a 1,200 yard swim

After work killing some time - 3.5 mile run

My Dog Ate My Presentation

And other reasons for missing work.

For the record I missed Zero days of work in 2008 - other than vacation days of course...oh and that doesn't count time spent blogging at work...or running...or swimming...or hanging out with The Donk...or grocery shopping...or...oh nevermind

From MSN

Most memorable excuses
If you decide to take tomorrow off, it behooves you to tell the truth. But if you'd rather get a little creative, take a look at what excuses employees have given for not going to work:

1. Employee didn't want to lose the parking space in front of his house.
2. Employee hit a turkey while riding a bike.
3. Employee said he had a heart attack early that morning, but that he was "all better now."
4. Employee donated too much blood.
5. Employee's dog was stressed out after a family reunion.
6. Employee was kicked by a deer.
7. Employee contracted mono after kissing a mailroom intern at the company holiday party and suggested the company post some sort of notice to warn others who may have kissed him.
8. Employee swallowed too much mouthwash.
9. Employee's wife burned all his clothes and he had nothing to wear to work.
10. Employee's toe was injured when a soda can fell out of the refrigerator.

By Jason Ferrara vice president of corporate marketing for

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Today's Workouts

15 mile run this morning before work.

Catching up

Some highlights from the past month or so that I haven’t been blogging

• Barbara, Joey, Robert and Dominic are taking piano and seem to be doing well
• Advent was good but crazy busy at times
• Sam’s family all came over for Christmas the Sunday before Christmas. 60+ people – surprisingly all the valuables still seem to be here
• Cecilia (Hunter) was in a pres-school CCD play. She was an Angel – a real stretch of her acting ability. She wanted to be a rock but that part was taken apparently. Sam directed said play.
• We always buy our tree on Christmas Eve (tradition and we are cheap). This year all the lots in town were out of trees by then. Almost went the fake tree route but the kids revolted. Found one a few towns over.
• Eric (The World’s Fattest Baby) pulled all the TV equipment off the shelves, broke the DVD player. Second one he has broken in the past 6 months
• The economy still stinks but my job is going well and we are hanging in there ok.
• Sam is getting new French doors that are desperately needed but not the second set of washers and dryers she covets. Hey I gave her a baby too – you can’t have everything. We are in a recession after all
• Alex (18) is home from college break and is sharing a room with Mary (5) and Cecilia (3). She doesn’t seem to thrilled that we gave away her room and she has to share with the little girls
• Caleb got his learners permit 2 months ago and is doing well learning how to drive
• Christmas day we went to 8am mass then spent the day at the grandparents. The big gift this year was a Wii from my brother and assortment of games and accessories for it from my dad and stepmom.
• My Christmas haul was mainly triathlon related stuff: Rollers for biking indoors (basically something to kill yourself on – google them), swim mp3 player (can listen to music underwater), Garmin GPS watch (can use it to tell how far and fast you have run), French Press (indirectly workout related since it lets me get caffeine into me in a tastier way), and an assortment of clothes.
• Josh is still at the seminary and wasn’t home for Christmas. We will go up and see him in April. Over New Years I took Joey, Robert and Dominic to NH for a retreat. We stopped for the night each way in CT at Josh’s seminary. We had dinner, morning mass and breakfast with him each time. He is happy and doing well.
• Lizzie is also doing well – probably because she has her own room (Alex’s old room)
• Barbara is babysitting a lot and has more money than God
• We currently have 11 rolls of toilet paper in the house, enough for 3...4 days tops - if we conserve. I'm planning on going to DC to ask congress for a bailout plan to get us some more TP.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Today's Workouts

Lunch time workouts: 5.5 mile run in the rain and then 1,300 yard swim - inside ;)

"The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated"

Sorry to have been gone so long. I was busy trying to engage in some more irresponsible parenting.