Vote, Hire, Rent Me Cause I'm a Christian

Jesus loves the little children
All the children of the world;
Red and yellow, black and white,
They are precious in his sight;
Jesus loves the little children of the world.
Sunday School Teachers Everywhere

Does it matter? Should we care? I don’t care. But maybe I should, I don’t know. Help a brother figure it out.

A fellow blogger brings up a good discussion point. Should we care if someone, be it an American Idol contestant, a plumber we hire, a piano teacher etc.....is a Christian?

This was originally in regards to Danny Gokey, Idolette wannabe and alleged Christian. Alleged because how the heck do I know? The man is smug, arrogant, fakes humility, pimps his dead-wife for advancement and is facing a cruelty to kittens charge back home in Milwaukee – ok I made the last one up. So maybe he is a Christian of sorts. Maybe he is the World’s Best Christian. I have no idea.

Lord knows I know a lot about being a bad Christian, having personally been a bad Catholic for 44 years now, so I should fit right in with the old Gokester. I mean you don’t spend as much time as I do in the Catholic Penalty Box one Saturday afternoon a month and call yourself a good Catholic. Heck I haven’t qualified for the express confessional since I was a wee little lad. For my non-Catholic readers, there are at least 2 confessionals in a Catholic church and one of them has a sign that says “10 Sins or Less” kinda like in a grocery store. This one is for people with just a few minor sins; things like: lusting after your neighbors second new BMW in as many years, or the fact that while his kids are inside practicing the violin or playing chess, yours are eating their boogers and playing happy birthday on their armpits. Or when you secretly laugh at the fat person in front of you in line at McDonald's when they order: 2 Big Macs, extra large fries, an apple pie and a Diet Coke. Yea I know, I’m going to be in purgatory for a very very very long time.

So let’s assume he is Christian for the sake of argument. And a good one at that (I’m feeling generous today). Because unlike John Vianney and Padre Pio I can’t read souls, but I’m pretty sure my wife can read mine – which scares the hell out of me, literally. Should this matter in our voting or rooting for him? Should it matter in other things of everyday life? Like hiring a new employee, finding the right plumber or a good leg waxes.

I owned a Christian Bookstore for 10 years and got to meet and know 100’s and 100’s of Christian’s. Some were great people who are still friends of mine today. Others were annoying jerks. Always trying to “Out-Jesus” you. “Our church has 3 hour Sunday services with 2 hours of preaching plus we go another 2 hours on our Wednesday Night Spirit-Filled Prayer Meeting and Bake Sale Revival Night”! Well bully for you! We have an 8 o’clock Sunday morning Mass that is music free and lasts 40 minutes PLUS we have Friday night Bingo with dollar beers from 7-9! Sitting in church doesn’t automatically make you a Christian any more than sitting in the garage makes you a car. My non-Christian friends are very similar. Some are great people to be around and some are total tools. So unless you are talking about the things of eternity, what does it matter?

Let’s say you have a Catholic, a Baptist, and a Heathen’ plumber all vying for a toilet replacement job at your home. More than likely the Catholic and the Heathen will both just give you and an estimate and some references if asked. The Baptist on seeing your 13 Christian Fish plastered on the back of you van will start talking to you about being a Christian and why you should hire him because he’s “a brother in the faith”. So should I hire him because of that? Should it factor in my choice at all? I guess all things being equal; same skill level and price, I’d hire the Catholic first (at least my church would get some of the money back in the collection basket), the ‘Heathen’ second.

I’d hire the Baptist last of all. I mean come on people. I’m going to trust someone who doesn’t drink or dance with fixing my porcelain throne? Please. (Yo Rob, you don’t dance or sing either). Well now that is true, but during my borderline professional drinking career I danced plenty. Of course my dancing was a cross between Danny’s White Bread dancing and Meghan’s Spin-Cycle Washing Machine style. Plus they would be elbow deep in slime working on your pipes and trying to ‘save’ you at the same time – kinda freaks me out and gives me the creeps. Note: I’m not really picking on Baptist, they were just the first that came to mind.


People also bring up the ‘more wholesome’ argument. As in “Joe Bible Song singer is a Christian and therefore more moral and therefore deserving of support”. There are 2 big problems with this train of thought. 1) 99% of Christian Singers are lame imitations of their secular counterparts. I mean apart from The 77’s, Jars of Clay, DC Talk and Rich Mullins – who is any good? Make that later Rich Mullins music. His early stuff was pretty sappy. That Mighty Dog song was catchy but incredibly trite. (um, Rob that would be “Awesome God” not “Mighty Dog” you dyslexic buffoon). The 2nd issue is what more moral Christian singers? Oh you mean I should buy Sandi Patti CD’s. Oh wait she had an affair with her manager and divorced her husband. Ok then maybe Michael English. Never mind, almost forgot that he had an affair and knocked-up some woman. Well then how about superstar Amy Grant. Opps – had an affair with Vince Gill and then divorced her husband to marry Mr. Gill. Well we always have BeBe Winans, member of that Uber Wholesome Gospel family, The Winans. Well wholesome other than his arrest last month for beating his ex-wife that is.

Ok, you get my point? Things aren’t always as they seem. I’m sure most ‘Christian’ recording artists are ok people, but you just never know.

Anyway people what are your opinions on this? Should I be voting for Smuggy McSmuggerson to win American Idol because he claims the cross of Christ as his standard? Should I be hiring Patty McPraysaLot to clean my house because she can shout hallelujah louder than the next gal?

Should someone’s Christianity be an overriding factor, a tie-breaking factor or no factor at all?

If I applied this practice to music or the movies, I’d never own a CD or DVD. It’s all so confusing. What’s a sardonic guy to do?

(oh – and no matter what you say, I ain’t voting for Mr. McSmuggerson tonight)