Stuff Catholics Like

All Hallows Eve and All Saint’s Day

Instead of going on about how I'm dressing as Sarah Palin this year (hey I've got nice shoes and legs too)or how Sam is dressing up as Angeline Joline (I know Sam is a lot better looking than that - what can I say she wants twins too).

Go here for some thoughts and ideas about these two great feast days

Stuff Catholics Like

Long Hair - Ok so this doesn't just apply to Catholics, so sue me.

#12 May be Delayed Longer Than Expected



AKA - Sam cut her hair again.

No she didn't really shave it off ala Brittany Spears. But it's around shoulder length now. It's gotten progressively shorter over the years. So a 'Brittany' hair-do in the near future isn't that far-fetched. 5 years ago, when she really loved me, it was down to her waist. Sure it might have hung in the toilet when she sat down and yes on occasion it would get caught in the car door on exiting (its not like anyone ever drove away when it was stuck in the door). All those things are a small price to pay for love.

The first time she really whacked it off she made me do it! First she tricked me (not hard to do) into saying yes to a haircut. She said she wanted to donate to 'locks for love' so some little girl with cancer could have a wig to wear while going through treatments. Now how am I supposed to say no to that? Even I'm not that cold-hearted. Then to save money she had me cut it off. Sam has nice long straight hair so she had me cut off 24 inches...2 feet! That is a whole lot of hair. I imagine some girl has a beauitful wig now becuase of it...ok so that was worth it.

I know I know, what is it with us guys and long hair on our women? Why do we like it so? Is it a leftover gene from our caveman days when we used to drag women around by their hair? Is it because we love to get our hands all tangled up in it and smell it? Or maybe it's because the norm in society is for men to have short hair and we have Hair-Envy?



Don't get me wrong, she's still stunningly beautiful. And hopefully there will be a 12 soon, sure can't hurt to try.

Of course I'm not saying she has to have it down to the ground. It is possible to have hair that is too long. Unless you are locked in a castle tower of course. Then anything goes.

Stuff Catholics Like - Votive Candles

Lighting votive candles in front of an altar or statue is a long standing Catholic tradition.

Most Catholics have lit a votive candle at some point in their life. It may have been when they were young and just used it as an excuse to play with matches (not that my kids would ever do that) or maybe when they were older at a funeral or wedding.

They are lit for many different reasons; for the dead, the living, a sick pet, for a son to get a job and move out of the basement, to get rid of a daughters creepy Goth boyfriend, and that oldie but goodie - a special intention held in the silence of my heart.

The standard procedure is to make a small suggestion donation, light the candle, and then kneel down and say a prayer for the intention desired.

I have know idea what all the colors are for...maybe San Francisco churches

A good picture of Votive Candles in action

From Newadvent.org

Candles were, and are, commonly used to burn before shrines towards which the faithful wish to show special devotion. The candle burning its life out before a statue is no doubt felt in some ill-defined way to be symbolical of prayer and sacrifice. A curious medieval practice was that of offering at any favored shrine a candle or a number of candles equaling in measurement the height of the persons for whom some favor was asked. This was called "measuring to" such or such a saint. The practice can be traced back to the time of St. Radegund (d.587) and later right through the Middle Ages. It was especially common in England and the North of France in the twelfth and thirteenth centuries.

Stuff Catholics Like

Today’s post is brought to you by the letters M and C.

Mass Cards. For you non-Catholics. They are basically a greeting card telling you that the sending is having a Mass said for you or maybe a dead relative. They can be a one Mass deal, multiple Masses or a perpetual enrollment (kinda a life time membership – like joining a Bally’s health club).

You can get them at the local church where they will add the person’s name to the next available Mass or you can have an order of priests say the Mass. Many monasteries or orders of priests do this for fundraising. So while you can’t really charge for prayers (at least not since the days of Tetzel), they do come with a suggestion donation. Somewhere in the $5-$10 range.

They are normally given to someone for the benefit of dead relative. They are also given to people when they are sick or just as a thinking of you type of thing. Sam will give them to people as a thank you for favors done.

But I think that sometimes they aren't given for the right reasons. I’m picturing old woman using them as ‘weapons’ against people who have slighted them. Say Old Lady Cooper says something snotty about the behavior of Mrs. Snodgrass’ grandchildren. Just to show how forging and what a good Christian she is, Mrs. Snodgrass might send a Mass Card to Old Lady Cooper. If she’s really ticked she will send a perpetual Mass Card.

One note of caution, if you start buying Mass Cards through the mail, you will end up on the mailing list of every group of priests in the country. I never knew there were so many. We get sample Mass Cards almost daily in the mail. Of course then you will feel bad about throwing out these pretty looking Mass Cards and start saving them all. Pretty soon your house will look worse than crazy collects cat’s lady.

Stuff Catholics Like - Being First Out of the Parking Lot

Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to The Sacred Heart 500

Is trying to get out of your church parking lot like a NASCAR race? Or maybe it’s more like a demolition derby?

The priest could have just given a homily on patience. But Catholics (maybe other churches have this problem also) love being the first one out of the church parking lot (whatever happened to the First Shall be Last?). This happens in various stages at our church.

First you have those people who leave right after communion (the old ‘dine and dash’ or ‘Judas shuffle’). They are still chewing as they bolt out the door and make a beeline for their cars.

Then you have those who technically stay to the very end. As soon as the priest gives the final blessing (to them it sounds like 'start your engines') they are racing him down the aisle. Quick swipe at the holy water font then whoosh out the door and driving away in no time at all. They move faster than Rosanne Barr at an all you can eat buffet.

Thirdly you have parishioners who stay to the end and then run to their cars to start the race out of the parking lot. Tires screaming like a bunch of tweens at a Jonas Brothers concert. Whatever you do don’t walk or drive in front of these folks, they will run you down and turn you into road kill. These people don’t yield and they don’t stop.

It really isn’t even necessary at our church. We have a cop at every Mass to stop traffic on the main road and let people out. At the most it’s going to take about 5 minutes to get out. Barring some emergency do people really need to drive like Mad Max in a church parking lot…save that kind of behavior for Christmas season at the Malls.

And heaven help you if you are at the Noon Mass during football season and the Redskins have a 1pm game. The Mass normally ends around 12:50-12:55. Giving the devoted Skin followers even less time to make kickoff. Well if they were too hung-over from the night before to make and early Mass, tough.

Stuff Catholics Like

The Rosary is Old School

Real Catholics say The Divine Mercy (DM) also. Most Catholics learned the rosary at one time or another. Either as a child from their parents or CCD teachers or as adults in a RCIA or catechism class. But a lot of Catholics haven’t even heard of the Divine Mercy, let alone know how to say it. It is definitely for the hard-core Catholic. To relate it to music, everyone has heard of The Beatles and The Rolling Stones but only the cool kids have heard of Vampire Weekend. The Divine Mercy is the Vampire Weekend of the Catholic prayer world.

Don’t believe me? Take a poll. First go to a Mall and ask teens and young adults if they have heard of Vampire Weekend. The kids with the torn jeans and retro Iggy and the Stooges t-shirts will say yes. And then go ask the kids with the high-waters wearing Garanimals who look like they eat their boogers when no one is looking, they will answer no.

The Divine Mercy is along the same lines. All the hip (young or old) Catholics are saying the DM. Since the DM is also said on rosary beads it’s hard to tell what prayers some one is saying. And it would be kinda tacky to take a poll of people sitting in church praying – not that that would stop me. but one way to tell is this; if the person is wearing a t-shirt like the ones below, then they are probably praying the DM and not the rosary, or they may be saying both with a set of beads in each hand (the showoffs).





The prayers of the Divine Mercy are shorter than the rosary. So if you saw the person's hands flying over the beads than they are probably saying the DM not the rosary. Although I do know some people who can knock out a rosary in 10 minutes or less (he types while blushing).

You get bonus points (or indulgences) for saying the Divine Mercy at 3 in the afternoon (the hour that Christ died).

This is not to say that the Rosary is passé or lame. I mean it's not the Vanilla Ice or Milli Vanilli of the prayer world. No it’s still the Mother of All Catholic Prayers.

For those of you not familiar with the Divine Mercy see here for more information

Stuff Catholics Like

Holy Cards

For those not in the know, Holy Cards are similar to baseball cards. But instead of Babe Ruth on the front you have someone like Saint Francis. And instead of the amount of home runs or RBI’s on the back of the cards, holy cards have stats like: patron saint of what, # of miracles performed, how long it took the lions to finish him off, or if their eyes were gouged out. And people think being a professional ball player is tough.

My younger kids all have 3-ring binders with pages and pages of holy cards in them. They collect them and trade them just like baseball cards. Not all the cards are of saints. They also have a bunch of remembrance cards from funerals we have gone to. I guess some of those people could become saints someday. That would be like having someone’s Rookie Card then. Man I wish we had Jesus’ Rookie Card, that one would be worth a mint.

We do draw the line at sticking holy cards with St Joseph or the Blessed Mother on it in the spokes of the kids’ bicycle wheels.

Stuff Catholics Like

Burying Saint Joseph

Hey my name is St Joe
got a house you need to go

Plant me in the ground down deep
and your house you wont have to keep
(set to a hip-hop beat)


Ok here's the deal for those of you Catholics who don't know about this practice. You non-Catholics might never get this one. Actually I'm not sure I get this one either but it's one of those things, like hair-shirts, the inquisition and indulgences, that makes being a Catholic cool.

When you want to sell your house you take a statue of St Joseph and bury it in your backyard, upside-down and facing the direction you want to move. Once you sell the house you are supposed to dig up good St Joe and take the statue with you to your new house and place it on the mantel or some other place of honor.

Here is a brief overview of where this custom came from:

The custom hearkens back at least to the great St. Teresa of Avila (A.D. 1515 - 1582), foundress of the Disalced Carmelite Order. As her Order spread, a new convent had to be built, and in order for a new convent to be built, land must be had. When the nuns found a particular piece of land that was perfect for their purposes, they also found that their coffers weren't full enough to purchase it, so they decided to ask the intercession of St. Joseph, burying medals imprinted with his likeness in the ground of the desired property as a sign of their prayers. It worked.

It also worked for Blessed Brother André Bessette, who was able to get the land on which he built the Shrine of St. Joseph of Mount Royal, in Montreal, Canada by praying to St. Joseph and burying a St. Joseph medal on the grounds of the future site as a sign of his prayers.

Now, both of these events deal with acquiring land, not selling it, and they deal with St. Joseph medals, not St. Joseph statues. Nonetheless, over time, the folk custom came to be for sellers of homes to bury a statue of St. Joseph as a sign of prayer asking to find a buyer and hasten the sale.

I wonder just how many plastic (the spotted-owl kissers aren't going to like that) statues are buried in backyards all over the country?

Sam and I owned a Catholic Bookstore from 1990-2000. We sold 100's of St Joseph statues, especially during the housing slow-downs. At first it bothered me when I found out what people were doing with them - particularly when it was people without faith being all superstitious like - but it was either let people buy them for that purpose or not sell any St Josephs at all. Which hardly seemed fair to others with legitimate devotions.

So I did what any good American Capitalist would do, I found a supplier of cheap small St. Joseph statues (made in China and painted with lead-based paint of course) and marked them up real good. Of course if I knew the person and they wanted the statue for, how should we say, more purposes they got a more normal mark-up.

My favorite were the old Jewish Lady Real Estate agents who came in looking for a St Joe statue to help them sell houses. They would buy them by the case.

A close second were the people who didn't know exactly which saint it was they were supposed to drop in the ground like so many tulip bulbs. Someone would come up to the counter with a St Jude or St Anthony statue in their hands, all excited because their house was finally going to sell. Me? I just kept my mouth shut and ringed-up the sale, Cha-Ching! Hey it's not my fault if they don't know which saint to ensconce (ensconce is my word of the day - it's fun to have a word) in the dirt.

So would that be a sin of omission on my part or just damn funny? 8 years later I'm still not sure but I'm going with the latter.

A priest friend of mine is pretty sure that if I'm lucky enough to squeak into heaven (obviously after a long stint in purgatory) that I'll be greeted by good Saint Joseph and he'll peg me with a well deserved dirt-clod. Fair enough.



This is not to suggest in the least that St Joseph isn't a powerful intercessor, he is. But maybe having a statue IN the house, and a candle in front of it and trying a novena might just be a better way to go about it.

Try this one or this one.

Stuff Catholics Like

Offering it up or Offer it up.

Offering it up refers to offering something bad, hard, tough to do; to God for the benefit of the souls in purgatory, the salvation of others, for those who are sick, to win the lottery - kidding, it doesn't work, trust me - I should know.

It's similar to Non-Catholics saying "Suck it up".

This can be a formal daily process. For example making a Morning Offering each day where you offer to God all the days works, pains, joys, sufferings...everything. Or at daily Mass where we join with the sacrifice of the Mass.

Or it can be informal, done through-out the day. It could be bumping your head on the bar when getting off the floor, putting up with an obnoxious co-worker (not that I've ever had one of those), missing a long traffic light cause some guy running 26 miles gets in your way. Instead of swearing like a woman in labor, you offer the situation up to God to use your suffering as needed or for something specific.

The only problem with it is that I sound like a dork at soccer games (as opposed to just looking like one). It's much cooler to yell "Suck It Up Princess" when my kids get hurt than "Offer It Up". Oh well, we Catholics must make these small sacrifices...guess I'll just have to offer up having to say offer it up.

So if you ever hear a Catholic say "to offer it up", you will know what they mean.

Stuff Catholics Like

Scapulars.

That's Scapulars not Spatulas, not Dracula, it's Scapular.


The Brown Scapular of Our Lady of Mount Carmel

The Black and Silver Spatula of Rob's Kitchen

The small scapulars consist essentially of two quadrilateral segments of woolen cloth (about two and three-quarter inches long by two inches wide), connected with each other by two strings or bands in such a manner that, when the bands rest on the shoulders, the front segment rests before the breast, while the other hangs down an equal distance at the back. The two segments of cloth need not necessarily be equally large, various scapulars having the segment before the breast of the above dimensions while the segment at the back is much smaller. The material of these two essential parts of the scapular must be of woven wool; the strings or bands may be of any material, and of any one colour. The colour of the segments of woollen cloth depends on the colour of the monastic habit, which it to a certain extent represents, or on the mystery in honour of which it is worn. Here, however, it must be remarked that the so called Brown Scapular of the Carmelites may be black, and that the bands of the Red Scapular of the Passion must be of red wool. On either or both of the woollen segments may be sewn or embroidered becoming representations or other decorations (emblems, names etc.) of a different material. It is only in the case of the Red Scapular that the images are expressly prescribed.

Wearing of the scapular shows that you are a seriously hardcore Catholic. It doesn't get much more old-school than scapulars, well except for hair-shirts and chastity belts maybe.

Guidelines for receiving the indulgences attached to the scapular: One must be enrolled in the Scapular by a Priest. New scapulars do not have to be blessed. They should be worn at all times and only removed for short times.

A scapular is not a 'get out of jail free card'. You need to be of the right spiritual disposition to receive the benefits that go along with it.

With permission you can substitute a four-way cross, that's what I did. You just have to ask a priest. You still receive the same spiritual promises that accompanying the scapular. I find the cross and chain more practical with my running, biking and swimming. The cloth scapulars get pretty funky after awhile with all my sweating - doesn't seem very respectable.
Sterling Silver 4-way Cross


So if you see someone wearing one, don't mess them cause they've got connections in high places.

Stuff Catholics Like

Communion Services - NOT

Ok for you non-Catholics, Communion Services (CS) are Mass wannabes or Mass Lite. They are the Vanilla Ice and Milli Vanilli's of the church world.

They are used in place of Mass, normally on weekdays but sometimes on Sunday's, when a priest isn't available to say Mass. They follow the same basic pattern as the Mass but omit the consecration of the bread and wine (the most important part). Communion is distributed using Hosts that have been previously consecrated by a priest.

Usually, but not always, a Deacon will perform them. Sometimes it's a nun or, God help us, a lay person (regular dude or dudette). The lay people that do them are almost always some grey-haired priest-wannabe lady who can't wait to get up there on the altar and play church. One of the worse parts is the almost forcing of people to hold hands during the Our Father. Touch my hand hippy dude and it's go time. A half hour of this is way more painful than running a marathon, trust me.

I can't go to them any longer. My net grace for the day ends up in the negative. The ton of grace I get for receiving communion is wiped-out (and then some) by me wanting to stuff the person performing the CS into the baptismal font or using them to reenact the stoning of St Stephen (not that kind of stoning Donk).

The painfulness of these things are fresh in my mind. Sam and I went to one last Monday at the beach. At our home church daily mass lasts 25-30 minutes tops. This CS lasted 37 minutes! Yes I timed it. The guy doing it, deacon maybe but I'm not sure, gave a 10 minute homily!!! My priests at home don't preach that long at Sunday Mass. Yo Chatty Cathy, it's 9am at the beach on a sunny day, shut the yapper and get on with it. I've got my skin cancer to work on.

Sam is much more patient than I am, duh. She goes to them a fair amount of the time and somehow tolerates them - I guess living with me for almost 20 years has given her infinite patience. The benefits of receiving holy communion out weigh all the negatives of the junk that goes with a CS for Sam.

Yes I know that in some cases they are better than nothing (barely). And that in some area's of the country that's all people can get on Sunday. But our area has plenty of priests and there is really no excuse for having then on a regular basis. Besides I hate them almost as much as I hate that pinko-commie Sign of Peace.

Ok, I feel better now. Deep breaths Rob...

Stuff Catholics Like - Day 7 at the Beach - Friday's Auto-Post

Daily Mass -

Since we are at the beach this week and have been going to 9am daily Mass as a family, I figured this would be a good topic for this weeks installment.

Catholics love daily Mass, that doesn't necessarily mean they actually go to it regularly. But they love to talk about going to it. It's kinda like a badge of honor to go to Daily Mass - like being a Super Catholic of something. It must have something to do with that daily infusion of Eucharistic Grace.

The blue-hairs and geezers go to daily Mass in droves at our church. I mean what else do they have to do all day. We kid cause we care. Actually they are a great example to the younger generations of how to live out their faith.

Lent is also a busy time at daily Mass. At our church, the pews of the chapel are packed during Lent.

Stuff Catholics Like

Folk Music vs Choir Music -

(I know I'm going to get in trouble with this one, but I'm going on vacation for a week tomorrow so I don't really care about anything else right now.)

A good way to start up a conversation/debate/cat-fight is to bring up the topic of what's better; folk music or the more traditional choir music.

Our church has both. There is a folk group that plays at the Saturday evening vigil Mass. There is also another folk group that alternates the 10am Sunday Mass with the choir.

Some people like the Choir. Robed-singers with choir director and an organ accompanying the older standard hymns. Lyrically you get better songs with this group. The songs tend to be older, more reverent and better written while the folk songs are mainly from the 60's and 70's, have banal lyrics and can be almost sacrilegious (think Beethoven and Mozart vs. Haugen and Haas or the Ave Maria vs City of God).

A traditional choir can at times be painful to listen to also. Especially if the choir is small, the organist is bad or the song selection is poor.

Folk music was especially cool in the 70's when you had pantsuit wearing 'nuns' shaking their booty along to the music...heaven help us.

You don't see that these days (there is a God). But some of the churches still have things like bongo's, hand-clapping congregations, electric guitars and basses and other abominations.

Personally I prefer our 8am Mass that has no music or a nice Gregorian Chant Latin Mass, but we almost always go to the 10am Mass. So my choice at that would be the choir. Mainly because it sounds like 'church' music and because the lyrics aren't trite.

I'm not a folk music hater, I own over 30 Bob Dylan albums, I just don't like it during church.



PS - all you folkies out there...I still love you.

Stuff Catholics Like

"The Rosary", says the Roman Breviary, "is a certain form of prayer wherein we say fifteen decades or tens of Hail Marys with an Our Father between each ten, while at each of these fifteen decades we recall successively in pious meditation one of the mysteries of our Redemption." NewAdvent.org

Catholics love their beads. Large ones, small ones, stone or plastic or wood, most Catholics have lots of rosaries in their house. Lying near the family bible, around the neck of a Mary statue, hanging from a bed-post, dangling from the rear-view mirror in their cars. The may never use them or even remember how but they are there. The might have been a hand-me down from a dead grandmother or a 1st communion present or maybe they bought themselves a new pair when they started having kids and wanted to teach them.

The blue-hairs in particular are fond of them. You can see them before, during and after Mass fingering their beads. Praying for deceased husbands, wayward children, the grand-kids, their arthritis, to be regular again and a myriad of other intentions. Hopefully some of them are praying for me also.

Kids of course love rosaries, the large wooden painted ones and the plastic glow in the dark ones in particular. They wear them around their necks, whip their little sisters with them, play tug-of-war with them until they break and the beads go flying all over the place. This happened to my good pair at Christmas morning Mass around 10 years ago.

We were at 8 o'clock Mass in the 250 year-old chapel that is used for special occasions. This is a popular and crowded Christmas Mass. We always go to this Mass and we always sit up in the choir loft. One of the little ones was acting up so I gave her my rosary to hold. And of course another one of the little guys decided he wanted it too. So a tug-of-war ensued and my black onyx and sterling silver rosary was the loser. Beads went fling everywhere, including a few that fell down to the pews below. The worst part is it was during the middle of Mass and I couldn't yell at or whack them...ok maybe that was a good thing...at least from the offenders point of view.

Stuff Catholics Like

Large Families

(In solidarity with my sister from another mother.)

Ok in general Catholics are know to have larger families than on average. Do statistics support this? I have know idea. Let's not let facts get in the way of my fun people. Besides to be above average in the US you only have to have 2.2 kids. The current 2008 birthrate for the US is 2.1. So all you people with 2 and half kids...give yourself a gold star. Congratulations, you are above average.

Not that it's a contest though. Too bad, I never win anything. Radio contests, Irish sweepstakes, basket of cheer, Russian mail-order bride, lotto etc...zilch, zip, nada, nothing. Well other than Sam's heart which is the coolest prize ever.

"Are All Those Kids Yours?"

"Don't you know what cause that?"

"How do you do it?"

etc...

We get the above questions or some variation of them all the time.

A few of the responses I've come up with:

Yes, they are all ours

Yes, we have a TV; we just don't need it to entertain ourselves

Well, they are all hers at least

No, they keep following me and I can't ditch them

Yes, except for Sam she's the Mother

Yes, I know what causes it and I like it

No, this is not a daycare

No, we aren't Mormon we are Catholic

We had planned on two; but my wife can't count

Yes, we are just trying to be open to life

You should enjoy our large family; they will be paying your social security

We didn't plan the first few; why start now

We have too many? Maybe I should off a few

Kids? What kids?

How do we do it? Well Sometimes I'm...oh never mind

Stuff Catholics Like

A Friday Feature.

Free Coffee and Donuts – as Catholics we flock down to the basement, church hall or another location where coffee and donuts are being served after Mass. As the first notes of the closing song are being played, parishioners can be seen heading out in droves before the priest has even left the alter. People need to get a head start to get the best choice of donuts. If you aren’t fast enough you won’t get the chocolate donut with the sprinkles or the Boston crème filled one, you will get stuck with a powdered sugar donut or worse, one that my kids have taken a bite out of and put back. And the only coffee left will be from the bottom of the pot and filled with grounds. My own kids are guilty of jumping the gun on “Donut Sunday”. By the time I finally get down to the basement they are already on their second or third ones.

At our church we have coffee and donuts after the 10am Mass on the 3rd Sunday of the month. It’s the kid’s favorite Mass of the month. It’s my ace in the hole for the inevitable “Why do we have to go to Mass?” question that at least a few of them are going to ask on Sunday mornings. Saying “its donut Sunday” is a lot easier than saying “because I said so”. It gets a better response too. Makes me wish we had coffee and donuts every Sunday.

At our church the Youth Group does all the work for Donut Sunday. They leave collection baskets out on the tables so people can leave a donation. I’m sure they hardly ever break even let alone make a profit. Catholics can be real cheap. I’m guilty of almost never remembering to throw some money in. And after all these years with the amount of kids I have and the amount of donuts they eat, I’d have to take out a second mortgage to catch up. Sorry youths.

But these get togethers are a nice thing to have. At ours we get around 150-200 people down in the basement. The adults get to visit, the little kids run around and eat, and the teens stand in groups and pretend they aren’t having any fun and want to leave. It’s a great time for parishioners to catch up with each other, exchange church gossip, complain about the music during Mass and critique the priest’s homily.




With apologies to Stuff White People Like and the Stuff Catholics Like websites. I haven't read these websites but I imagine they are similar to this.