Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Hello from Sunny Florida

I’d love to spend my week (on our second honeymoon) posting while down here – but rubbing suntan oil on and worshiping my hot wife is taking up all my time. Playing Cabana Boy is not as easy as it sounds…and you should see the bathing suit she makes me wear, it would make Madonna blush.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Wedding Vow Renewal

Our 20th Wedding Anniversary was last night (hence the lack of an American Idol report - so if you were hoping to see an Idol Finals post here this morning, blame my bride). We renewed our vows at the chapel we were married in and had a party in one of the church hall's next to it.

It was touch and go whether or not the event would actually happen. Just like the actual event 20 years ago, we nearly killed each other planning it.

Not sure exactly what this renewal of vows means. I guess it's like the military where you re-up when your enlistment is up. So I guess I'm in for another 20 years - maybe we will consummate the marriage this time ;)

Thanks for a great time sweetie - I LOVE YOU!!!

Here are a few pics:

Alex doing a reading at Mass

Cecilia the Flower Girl

The Vows - Sam laughing cause I asked if I could cross my fingers

Someone cooked way too much food

No shock as to who was first in line for food

The cake was smaller this time around

Alex giving a speech about how wonderful her parents are - she must have got into the beer

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

20 Years and Still Going Strong

2 reasons I love you for each year we have been married

1. I love your soul
2. I love your face
3. I love your faith
4. I love your mind
5. I love being married to you
6. I love you body
7. I love your optimistic personality…even if it annoys me at times
8. I love that you homeshool our kids
9. I love that you have faith in me
10. I love the taste of the salt on your skin
11. I love waking up in the morning with your hair in my face
12. I love your smile
13. I love your hair…even though you cut it short
14. I love you during labor
15. I love how hot you look when pregnant
16. I love that you stay home with the kids
17. I love that you support my working out
18. I love that you feel safe in my arms
19. I love how you cuddle up next to me in the winter for warmth
20. I love your laugh, the nice one, not the cackle
21. I love that you don’t like to go shopping
22. I love when you wear blue jeans and diamond stud earrings
23. I love you when you cry
24. I love that you can’t balance a checkbook and might not even know where we bank – that’s trust
25. I love to watch you sleep
26. I love that you don’t call me at work 20 times a day
27. I love how you can nurse a baby and coach a soccer game at the same time
28. I love when you make my lunch for work and put notes in it
29. I love when you rub my shoulders
30. I love when you hug me from behind
31. I love that you are the pick of the litter
32. I love when we pray together
33. I love that we are BFF’s
34. I love your eyebrows
35. I love your warmth
36. I love when you try and do new things on the computer
37. I love that you are more beautiful at 40 then you were at 16 when we met
38. I love how you are selfless
39. I love that I love your more today than the day we were married
40. I love TTN

American Idol '09

Adam vs. Kris, Rock-God vs. Humble Pie. Who will win. Adam is the presumed front-runner but Kris may be peaking at just the right time. Plus I gotta think Danny Gokey’s voters will be more likely to support Kris than Adam.

Show Time.
All our judges are dressed up. Randy looks a bit like a Black Bozo the Clown but not in a bad way. Kara is going with the always elegant black look, Paula is glowing, literally, in a fluorescent lime green dress and a freshly applied spray-tan, even Simon has risen to the occasion and is wearing a sport coat. All and all they don’t look to bad at all. Plus I’ve spent all season ripping them so it’s about time I acted a bit nice.

Tons of former idolettes in the house tonight.

Adam song #1 – A repeat of his Mad World. A performance that I loved. But why the repeat? Is that normal for the finals? Fog, cool clothes, a touch of make-up…he looks like a cross between Jack the Ripper and a Switch Hitting Vampire. Another excellent performance by Adam. Rankarula loves it and Simon calls it a bit theatrical. True but so what? That’s kinda to be expected with Adam by at this point? Isn’t’ it? I know there are a lot of Adam Haters out there, but come on, that was a great song wasn’t it.

Kris song #1 – “Ain’t no Sunshine”. So yes I guess they do a song that they did earlier in the season. Kris at the piano doing a mellow song but with great, if not strong, vocals. Kris’ wife has been freed from her witness protection program and is back in the audience. All 4 judges liked it. Ok I think our Orange Goddess Paula liked it but I’m not sure what her pre-memorized lines mean. Any doubt now that the two best made it to the final? Simon says Kris won round 1 – trying to bait the voters into voting for Adam.

Adam song #2 – Simon Fuller has picked “Change is Gonna Come” by Sam Cooke. Mr. Lambert has changed into a silver suit and is doing a sweet bluesy rendition. At the end he Lambert’s it and rocks the vocal and dances like Janis Joplin trying to hold in a tinkle. All and all a great performance. Randy and Kara love it and Paula goes over the top crazy waving her hand in the air like she is riding mechanical bull. Simon says he’s 100% back in the game.

Kris song #2 – Simon Fuller has picked “What’s Going On” by Marvin Gaye. Kris is sitting with guitar and a couple of Ricky Ricardo bongo and box players. Makes me want to be sitting on the beach watching the sunset, and that’s a good thing for a song. Randy calls it a bit light. Kara basically says Kris could change the world with his songs. Simon calls it to laidback for a setting like this and at this point in the competition Simon may have a point but I liked it anyway.

Adam song #3 – “No Boundaries” co-written by Idol’s own Kara. Lyrics are kinda boring at spots but Adam rocks the sucker out without going nuts. Not sure if it’s the lights but Adam looks a bit orange too, must have been sharing a tanning bed with the Cougar. Randy calls it a bit pitchy at spots and not his favorite Adam performance. Kara obviously liked it. Paula has apparently used up her list of adjectives for the season. Simon basically crowned him winner with his comments.

Kris song #3 – his version of “No Boundries”. He’s doing a pop-light version. I liked Adam’s a lot better. Kris’ is fine but shows that Kara isn’t really writing Shakespeare with her song. Randy on the other hand liked Kris’ version better. Kara calls it a bit high for his voice. Paula of the bronze medal skin. Simon gives him some love too.

Carrie Underwood is singing us out while a video montage of the season plays. Those are quite the red boots she’s sporting. Like a fireman wading into a river to bass fish.

Alright that’s it. No more performances this year. Overall I thought it was a very good show tonight. The performances were top notch and Seafoam and the judges weren’t too annoying tonight. So who is going to win? I have no idea. I think Adam was better tonight (and better overall) but he’s certainly not everyone’s cup of tea. So who is more popular with America? Well I guess we shall find out tomorrow night. I like both of the singers so i can go either way, kinda like......oh never mind.......see ya tomorrow

Friday, May 15, 2009

Pet Peeve Phriday

Car turn signals – more specifically the improper use of them.

You got three types of turn signal users

1. The total non-users

2. The always use/long users

3. The proper users

In the first group are the morons who think the roads are built just for their exclusive use. These are the same people who weave in and out of traffic, talk/text on their phones while driving, run red lights, drive way over the speed limit and are just generally selfish idiots on the road.

The second group are people who use their turn signal for every single turn they make! It can be 2am with not a car in sight and they are turning into their driveway (and they live in a cul-de-sac) and they use their turn signal. Or their turn is coming up in a few miles so they turn their signal on 5 minutes ahead of time - just to be sure. Never mind that there are 20 other turns off that road before they get to theirs, they just gotta be ready. This group is normally made up of two groups of people. Group 1 is people over 65 and Group 2 is people I live with and am related to by marriage.

The third group are people who use the turn signal as need and at the proper time but who aren't OCD about it. If there is no car in sight and they are changing lanes on a highway, they don't bother. They have more important things to do with their hands while driving. Like holding their coffee or changing the channel on the radio when David Archuleta or Flo Rida come on.

I don't think I need to tell you what group I fall into :P

Thursday, May 14, 2009

American Idol '09

You can all just kiss off into the airBehind my back I can see them stareTheyll hurt me bad but I wont mindTheyll hurt me bad they do it all the time
Violent Femmes

6 good to very good performances last night, and what do I remember? The pathetic judging. If the judges weren’t arguing amongst themselves they were giving conflicting advice; nicking Kris for doing things they praise Danny for. Do we really need judges bickering amongst themselves and overshadowing the performances?

What is the purpose of the judges? To entertain us? Well partially, but mainly I’d assert they are there to over advice and constructive criticism to the contestants and to help the viewers to better understand what is going on. Instead we have fighting judges, the dueling cougar cleavage twins, Randy’s clich├ęs, Paula’s drunken-like behavior etc....basically 4 adults all acting like attention whores.

Did you see Simon and Paula fighting/feeling each other up after Danny’s first performance instead of making comments about it? They actually did the impossible and made me side with the Smugster – a hard thing to do indeed.

So putting aside the shenanigans of the judges, what did we see last night? Well we saw Danny being Danny. Danny takes a song and basically sings the song as is. He does an ok job and has a decent voice. But his performances are uninspired and unoriginal. He’d do a great job as a wedding or bar mitzvah singer (he does a mean Dradle song rendition) – but a pop star? I don’t think so.

Adam was not great for Adam. Part of it seemed like the sound equipment was messed up and part seemed like he was just going through the motions and coasting into the finals. Maybe he’s too busy working on something for next week and mailed it in this week. Beats me but he was average. I still think he has the best voice (when he controls it) and is the most entertaining of the three but would i buy an album of 12 songs of Adam going crazy with his vocals – i don’t think so. Now if he was fronting a good rock band and controlled himself at times, then yea I’d buy that.

I thought Kris was far and away the best tonight. And i thought his performance of Heartless was the best of anyone all season and that includes Tatiana, Megan and Norman. If Kris did an album like that I’d download and maybe even pay for it – kidding! I’d never pirate music as far as the Feds know.

So having said all that, that I think Kris was the best last night – I really think Kris is getting the boot tonight. Why? Cause the judges and producers for some unfathomable reason want a Danny vs. Adam finale. Personal hatreds aside, i really think Kris and Adam should go on and Danny should go home.

So who will it be? Adam, Danny or Kris? Unfortunately we will have to sit through 55 minutes of fluff and filler to find out. And it promises to be extra fluffy tonight. Besides the group sing and Ford video we are going to have to watch lots of video of the top 3 going home for their visits. On top of that Katy Perry and Jordin Sparks are performing tonight. It could be worse folks – Paula Abdul could give another performance.

Anyway enough of me, its time to get started.

Ben Stiller and gang plugging their new Night in the Museum movie and opening Idol for us – those zany guys!

Here’s our Boy Ryan and 3 of the 4 judges. Paula is nowhere to be seen, Ryan introduces the judges and Paula slips into her seat late, just like me in High School beating the bell to class. Speaking of High School, Paula is wearing another one of her prom dresses.

Kevin Bacon is in the house.

Another cartoon cutout Ford video set to “Break My Stride”. Ford must have been taken over by the Feds today. Because no private sector worker would ever make a video that lame.

Alicia Keyes is on stage promoting Idol Saves. She’s asking for donations. She’s reading off of cue cards in a total monotone voice, an actress she ain’t. We are treated (no sarcasm) by having some little African boy sing and dance for us. Sadly for the show, he is better than the Top 3 were last night. Even with the lip singing. It must be bring a poor kid to this country and torture him by putting him on Idol week. And then some more of Alicia proving that yes indeed she can read.

Danny is brought out and we get to hear about his trip back home to Milwaukee. Oh good the Idol cameras captured it all for us. Gee I hope they put it out on DVD for my collection. Sorry I had to run outback and up-chuck, what did I miss? Two!? Only two references to his dead wife. Well I guess that’s showing self control for FOX and Gokey Boy. Danny is sent over to the couch to cool his heels for awhile.

Next Kris is brought out and we see video of his trip to Arkansas. To show that I am and equal opportunity critic, it’s just as painful to watch as Danny’s video was. Kris did get free cheese dip for life from a local eatery – so he’s got that going for him, which is nice. His seeing his dad was kinda touching. He is sent to sit next to Danny, he looks like he’d rather sit next to Paula than Danny. These two really don’t like each other.

After I commercial break in which I watched the final minutes of the Caps getting demolished by the Penguins. Jordin Sparks and a lot of fog are performing a new song (I guess of hers). I know nothing about her. And after this performance I don’t want to. Another ‘Flavor of the Week” song that will be off the radio in a few minutes. I will give her this; she has a nice voice and looks fabulous. My teen daughters inform me that Ms Sparks won Idol a few years back. Before my time.

The promos for the new show “Glee” have be humming that damn “Don’t Stop Believing” song – curse you FOX.

And here is Adam and his visit home to San Diego. It’s annoying like the others but slightly more entertaining because of his over-the-topness (is that a word?). Adam applies eye-liner to the FOX San Diego weather girl. Ok then. Later on some crazy chick comes running up to him while pulling off her top. Like I said, slightly more entertaining than the other videos (no I didn’t look honey). Adam too is sent over to the couch to sit. And once again Ryan calls them the Three Amigos, yeah right.

Megan and Alexis are in the house!!!!!!

Katy Perry is singing her new song “Waking in Vegas”. She’s wearing a white and sparkly aerobic slut outfit with a cape attached that says Adam Lambert on the back. She looks like Elvis in drag. Her big bug-eyes are really starting to freak me out. She is one ugly broad, at least tonight. That is a totally un-flattering outfit. Oh and the song was an abomination too. They really need to do something about who they have to perform.

Finally some stinking results...........and Kris is safe!!!!! Way Cool!!!!! And in not too much of a shocker Adam is also safe.

Since Danny is being gracious in defeat, I’ll be gracious in victory. Great run Danny. You made it a lot further than I thought you would. Good luck and God Bless. Dany sings us out and does a nice job of it.

Just one more week and we are through with the show and you are rid of me.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Hand Washing for Dummies

It seems we Americans are too stupid to properly wash our hands on our own. So our glorious and all-knowing leaders have issued a "How to Wash Your Hands" guide - your tax dollars at work people. Be sure and watch the How to Video also. It's classic. Apparently you start with putting water on your hands - who knew....Also, all you OCD freaks (that's you Donk) out there will love the how-to turn off the water and exit the bathroom part.

From the Wallstreet Journal -

Put Up Your Dukes: Fighting Disease With Soap and Water

Fear of swine flu is fading, but there are still plenty of reasons to wash your hands frequently.

The list of infections that can spread via unwashed hands reads like the Biblical plagues, including staph, strep, salmonella, E. coli, hepatitis, MRSA (methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus), colds, flu and norovirus -- the infamous cruise-ship bug.

The importance of hand washing has been known since 1847, when a doctor named Ignaz Semmelweis suspected that maternity patients were dying in his Vienna hospital because med students treated them right after working on cadavers. When he instituted hand-cleaning, the deaths fell sharply.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says hand washing is the most effective way to stay healthy. But many people don't do it often enough, or long enough, to be effective. Here's a guide:

Let me summarize some of the Feds guidelines (you can't make this stuff up people)

Wash your hands every time you use the bathroom...also after: change a diaper, pick up animal waste, sneeze, cough or blow your nose. I'm glad they are there for us. I never would have thought on my own to wash my hands after picking up dog poop.

So how does one actually wash their hands? Glad you asked.

"Experts recommend using warm water -- mainly for comfort, so you'll wash longer. Use liquid soap if possible. Bar soaps can harbor germs, though they'll likely rinse off with water.

Use enough soap to build a lather. Lace your fingers together to cover all the surfaces. Rub the fingertips of one hand into the palm of the other, then reverse. Keep rubbing for as long as it takes to sing "Happy Birthday" twice. (Some experts prefer "Row, Row, Row Your Boat." But any tune will do as long as it lasts at least 15 seconds.)"

Personally I usually sing the 18 minute version of "inagaddadavida". But to each his own.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry when I hear the new ways the Feds come up with to spend the money they steal from us. I'm sure this is what the Founding Fathers had in mind when they wrote the Bill of Rights. Maybe there was a "right to clean hands" amendment that I missed during civics class. I did skip a Whole Lot of High School classes.

American Idol '09

They say
I need some Rogaine
To put in my hair
Work it out at the gym
To fit my underwear
Oakley makes the shades
That transform a tool
You'd hate
For the kids to think
That you lost your cool

“Pork N’ Beans” - Weezer

2 songs each tonight. One of their own choosing and one chosen by the judges (Simon).

If I was a judge and choosing I’d pick the following:

For Smuggy – I’d pick the ultimate poser song, “Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)” by the Offspring

You know it's kind of hard
Just to get along today
Our subject isn't cool
But he fakes it anyway
He may not have a clue
And he may not have style
But everything he lacks
Well he makes up in denial

So don't debate, a player straight
You know he really doesn't get it anyway
He's gonna play the field, and keep it real
For you no way, for you no way
So if you don't rate, just overcompensate
At least you'll know you can always go on Ricki Lake
The world needs wannabe's
So do that brand new thing

For Adam – I’d pick a David Bowie song like “Space Oddity” and have him dress in that androgynous style that Bowie perfected in the 70’s. If not that then I’d pick a Queen song. I really want to hear him do a Queen song again.

For Kris – I’d just go with something mellow and white-bread. Maybe some Air Supply or Lionel Ritchie.

Now if I was the actual singer and wanted to do well, here is what I would do:

Adam – I’d sing whatever I wanted to. I’d just pick a song I really liked and have a good time with it. Rock something out for fun bro. People know what he can do and people already either love him or hate him.

Kris – he needs to distinguish himself a bit and not be mediocre like Smuggy will be. I’d do a cool song but not go overboard with the coolness because he won’t be able to pull it off. Maybe something by Ben Harper, Jack Johnson, Ben Kweller or Vampire Weekend. Hip stuff but not overly so.

Danny – he needs to hit a homerun. There is no way he is increasing his fan base (35-55 fraulein’s from the Bible Belt). I doubt that many of Allison’s voters are flocking to Danny. They are probably voting for Adam. Danny is too much of a Dork for Allison’s fans plus they feel that he should have been the one to get booted not her. If I were Danny I’d pull out all the stops and play the Sympathy and Christian cards. I’d ditch the glasses and look right into the camera and sing some sappy love song to the housewives of Middle America and hope for the best. He has no hope of winning (unless in some weirdness Adam gets voted out this week) but he might be able to get to the Finals. But win? Never! Never I say! If Kris gets canned this week then his voters aren’t voting for Danny. Kris can’t seem to stand Danny (good taste Kris has). Did you see how he looked like he wanted to beat the snot out of Danny with his microphone during last week’s duet? Kris’ fans might not rush to support Adam but I don’t see a lot of them voting for Danny either.

So why do I find myself waking screaming in the middle of the night in a cold sweat? It’s not the thought of Rosanne Barr’s un-shaved legs that does it. It’s the deep fear that Danny will beat out the much more deserving and talented Kris Allen and get to the finals which disturbs my other-wise tranquil sleep in my over-sized bed – tranquil when the kids actually sleep through the night that is……it really is a wonder we have 12 kids.

And we are off and running – or not. For some reason we are having filler tonight. Top 3 going home, incoherent Paula reading off her 3x5 cards to explain her song choice for Danny etc…

Danny Gokey – Song #1 chosen by the Cougar – Terrance Trent D’arby’s “Dance Little Sister”. Danny should be kicked off the Island after that performance for two reasons: 1) wearing boots with pants 2) singing to Paula and making her dance too - and a bonus reason 3) his dancing. It wasn’t an awful performance but the part with him scatting back and forth with the sax player was cheesier than Mayor McCheese. The judges – Randy uses his first ‘Dope’ reference of the night. Kara liked the vocals and didn’t like the dancing. Paula’s writer wrote down that she should say she liked the dancing. Simon called the dancing desperate.

Kris Allen – Song #1 chosen by Randy and Kara – “Apologize” by One Nation. Questions. Why are they texting the song choice? Why is Kris wearing blue nail polish during his home visit? He and his wife playing dress-up? Kris is playing the piano and does a fantastic job in my lame non-humble opinion. Unlike Danny’s performance I don’t want to hurl. Randy dug it. Kara the moron uses a baseball analogy to say she didn’t really like it. Great music insider analysis as usual Kara. I think she stole some of Paula’s 3x5 cards. Paula – rambles way more than usual, so yes Kara swiped her cards. Simon rags on both the girls to my everlasting gratitude. Not sure what they were all fighting about but I really liked Kris’ performance.

Adam Lambert – Song #1 chosen by Simon - “One” by U2. Lots of name dropping by Simon and Paula. Like we care who is better buds with Bono. Adam is looking particularly like an Elf from LOTR tonight – which is slightly disturbing but much better than a stinking hobbit. Very nice vocals. It is silly hard to do an U2 song. So props for Adam for doing a great job at it. Randy liked it ok. Kara tries to out cougar Paula by going nuts over the top. Paula, not to be out done, shows off her new I HEART ADAM tattoo across her back. Don’t these girls know he plays for a different team? Simon loved it.

A bit of filler with Carrie Underwear over in Africa promoting Idol Gives Back. They are giving money for tents to help prevent malaria. Good cause and good job by Idol. Keep up the good work guys. Good filler for a change.

And now we get to see what they have chosen for themselves.

Smuggy McSmuggerson has chosen “You are so Beautiful” by Joe Cocker. I totally called this. Love song, gospel arrangement, singing into the camera to the desperate housewives of Akron, OH and Decatur, GA. Well I almost called it; he’s still wearing his designer glasses. I will refrain from judging his performance since I can’t stand him and I can no longer be objective. Sadly the judges are agog about it. Please don’t encourage people to vote for him.

Kris Allen has chosen “Heartless” by Kanye West. Just Kris and his acoustic guitar singing and looking pretty cool. I called this one too – that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Much better than the original and the Fray’s version. And way better than Danny could ever hope to be. I’d actually buy a CD of Kris’. This was my favorite performance of the night. Randy agrees with me. Kara cougars out again. Paula disses Simon. Simon liked the performance too.

And last up in the pimp spot is Adam. He has chosen Aerosmith’s “Cryin’”. I called this one too. Doing a fun classic rock song that he can justifiably go a little nuts with the vocals. Or maybe more than a little nuts. Adam is in his element. Having a blast. RanKara loved it. Paula says something about collecting frequent flyer miles that I don’t get. Simon asks people not to assume Adam will get to the finals and to vote for them.

Ranking them quick and dirty –

1. Kris Allen – loved him tonight, even more than Adam.
2. Adam – he is a victim of his own success. He was great tonight too but has set the bar so high.
3. Danny – he needs to shave

Idol only went over 4 minutes tonight. Buy a freaking stopwatch FOX.

Adios, God Bless and Goodnight

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

And Millions of Men Lose Their Sight

Not to mention their lunch.

Shirley Jones' Playboy flirtation

Brace yourselves, Partridge Family fans, said the New York Post. Shirley Jones, who played the wholesome mother of the singing sitcom family, might pose nude for Playboy at age 75, if her husband/manager Marty Ingels gets his way. "She's still drop-dead gorgeous," Ingels told Page Six.

Come on! She was ok looking at 40 when she was Mrs. Partridge but no one was clamoring for her to pose nude then and they sure aren't at 75. And the story begs the question - WHY? Is she hard up for money? Publicity? Attention?

Today's Workouts

11.5 mile run in lovely weather.

Vote, Hire, Rent Me Cause I'm a Christian

Jesus loves the little children
All the children of the world;
Red and yellow, black and white,
They are precious in his sight;
Jesus loves the little children of the world.

Sunday School Teachers Everywhere

Does it matter? Should we care? I don’t care. But maybe I should, I don’t know. Help a brother figure it out.

A fellow blogger brings up a good discussion point. Should we care if someone, be it an American Idol contestant, a plumber we hire, a piano teacher a Christian?

This was originally in regards to Danny Gokey, Idolette wannabe and alleged Christian. Alleged because how the heck do I know? The man is smug, arrogant, fakes humility, pimps his dead-wife for advancement and is facing a cruelty to kittens charge back home in Milwaukee – ok I made the last one up. So maybe he is a Christian of sorts. Maybe he is the World’s Best Christian. I have no idea.

Lord knows I know a lot about being a bad Christian, having personally been a bad Catholic for 44 years now, so I should fit right in with the old Gokester. I mean you don’t spend as much time as I do in the Catholic Penalty Box one Saturday afternoon a month and call yourself a good Catholic. Heck I haven’t qualified for the express confessional since I was a wee little lad. For my non-Catholic readers, there are at least 2 confessionals in a Catholic church and one of them has a sign that says “10 Sins or Less” kinda like in a grocery store. This one is for people with just a few minor sins; things like: lusting after your neighbors second new BMW in as many years, or the fact that while his kids are inside practicing the violin or playing chess, yours are eating their boogers and playing happy birthday on their armpits. Or when you secretly laugh at the fat person in front of you in line at McDonald's when they order: 2 Big Macs, extra large fries, an apple pie and a Diet Coke. Yea I know, I’m going to be in purgatory for a very very very long time.

So let’s assume he is Christian for the sake of argument. And a good one at that (I’m feeling generous today). Because unlike John Vianney and Padre Pio I can’t read souls, but I’m pretty sure my wife can read mine – which scares the hell out of me, literally. Should this matter in our voting or rooting for him? Should it matter in other things of everyday life? Like hiring a new employee, finding the right plumber or a good leg waxes.

I owned a Christian Bookstore for 10 years and got to meet and know 100’s and 100’s of Christian’s. Some were great people who are still friends of mine today. Others were annoying jerks. Always trying to “Out-Jesus” you. “Our church has 3 hour Sunday services with 2 hours of preaching plus we go another 2 hours on our Wednesday Night Spirit-Filled Prayer Meeting and Bake Sale Revival Night”! Well bully for you! We have an 8 o’clock Sunday morning Mass that is music free and lasts 40 minutes PLUS we have Friday night Bingo with dollar beers from 7-9! Sitting in church doesn’t automatically make you a Christian any more than sitting in the garage makes you a car. My non-Christian friends are very similar. Some are great people to be around and some are total tools. So unless you are talking about the things of eternity, what does it matter?

Let’s say you have a Catholic, a Baptist, and a Heathen’ plumber all vying for a toilet replacement job at your home. More than likely the Catholic and the Heathen will both just give you and an estimate and some references if asked. The Baptist on seeing your 13 Christian Fish plastered on the back of you van will start talking to you about being a Christian and why you should hire him because he’s “a brother in the faith”. So should I hire him because of that? Should it factor in my choice at all? I guess all things being equal; same skill level and price, I’d hire the Catholic first (at least my church would get some of the money back in the collection basket), the ‘Heathen’ second.

I’d hire the Baptist last of all. I mean come on people. I’m going to trust someone who doesn’t drink or dance with fixing my porcelain throne? Please. (Yo Rob, you don’t dance or sing either). Well now that is true, but during my borderline professional drinking career I danced plenty. Of course my dancing was a cross between Danny’s White Bread dancing and Meghan’s Spin-Cycle Washing Machine style. Plus they would be elbow deep in slime working on your pipes and trying to ‘save’ you at the same time – kinda freaks me out and gives me the creeps. Note: I’m not really picking on Baptist, they were just the first that came to mind.

People also bring up the ‘more wholesome’ argument. As in “Joe Bible Song singer is a Christian and therefore more moral and therefore deserving of support”. There are 2 big problems with this train of thought. 1) 99% of Christian Singers are lame imitations of their secular counterparts. I mean apart from The 77’s, Jars of Clay, DC Talk and Rich Mullins – who is any good? Make that later Rich Mullins music. His early stuff was pretty sappy. That Mighty Dog song was catchy but incredibly trite. (um, Rob that would be “Awesome God” not “Mighty Dog” you dyslexic buffoon). The 2nd issue is what more moral Christian singers? Oh you mean I should buy Sandi Patti CD’s. Oh wait she had an affair with her manager and divorced her husband. Ok then maybe Michael English. Never mind, almost forgot that he had an affair and knocked-up some woman. Well then how about superstar Amy Grant. Opps – had an affair with Vince Gill and then divorced her husband to marry Mr. Gill. Well we always have BeBe Winans, member of that Uber Wholesome Gospel family, The Winans. Well wholesome other than his arrest last month for beating his ex-wife that is.

Ok, you get my point? Things aren’t always as they seem. I’m sure most ‘Christian’ recording artists are ok people, but you just never know.

Anyway people what are your opinions on this? Should I be voting for Smuggy McSmuggerson to win American Idol because he claims the cross of Christ as his standard? Should I be hiring Patty McPraysaLot to clean my house because she can shout hallelujah louder than the next gal?

Should someone’s Christianity be an overriding factor, a tie-breaking factor or no factor at all?

If I applied this practice to music or the movies, I’d never own a CD or DVD. It’s all so confusing. What’s a sardonic guy to do?

(oh – and no matter what you say, I ain’t voting for Mr. McSmuggerson tonight)

Monday, May 11, 2009

Guess We’ve Been in a Recession for 20 Years Babe

If this article is true, then with 12 kids in 20 years my salary must have been in recession all that time.

Recession 'entertainment' may beget new baby boom

SPRING HILL, Fla. — It happens a lot during hurricanes and blizzards. People spend more time at home. They don't venture out, which means they end up entertaining themselves any way they can. Now, during a struggling economy, it's happening again. Bad times in the boardroom, it seems, can make for good times in the bedroom.
Obstetrician Natalie Leibensperger knows this firsthand, judging from the recent baby boom she's seeing.

People are having sex, and a lot of it.

"You've lost your job, or you've lost your house, and you're having to cut back on everything. You're not going to go to the movies or go out to dinner," she says................................................

Today's Workouts

Workout’s this past week:

Mon – 5.15 miles running
Tue – 11.24 miles running
Wed – 5.27 miles running
Thu – 21.17 miles running
Fri – 7.77 miles running
Sat – 3.62 miles running
Sun – 7.12 miles running

That gave me around 61 miles for the week.

Obama Motors, Inc

Now that Los Federales are in the car business (with the Auto Worker’s Union’s help of course) what types of cars will Obama Motors (OM) be producing? Fortunately I’ve obtained a confidential White House Press Release for my readers. This won’t be out until Tuesday, so mum’s the word


Office of the Press Secretary
For Immediate Release May 12, 2009


My loyal subjects, it is with great hubris that I announce to you that besides being the supreme being of the United States of America, I have also appointed myself the Grand Poo Pa of the company formerly known as General Motors (GM). Of course there will be drastic changes in the way cars are manufactured and the cars that will be produced. But not to worry, I will be involved in all aspects of running the new company, including designing the new cars. While I can’t discuss all the details yet. Here are a few facts to wet your appetites. We expect the new cars to be out in 10-15 years so hang on to your old cars for awhile or better yet take a bus. I know it may seem like a long time to wait but it will be well worth it. And since I’ve anointed myself as dictator for life there really is no rush.

There will only be 2 models available: The Hope and The Change

• 4 seats max to encourage population control (larger model available for pet owners of course)
• Color – all cars will be Green, literally. Except for the limited edition pink model to benefit breast cancer research and the rainbow colored edition, known as the “Adam and Steve”, to benefit aids research
• Radio’s that only get NPR
• Of course the company will be called Obama Motors after the new Messiah. But as a bone to the honkeys, all dealerships in the South we have the option of using the name Bama Motors. So be sure to have your BM today.
• Safety and Emissions inspections will have to conducted monthly
• Top speed of 55 mph – except for police models of course
• Built in smoke detectors that shut the car down if cigarette smoke is detected (of course the ash trays will be replaced with Soy Latte holders)
• Obviously no A/C
• No leather seats so has to keep PETA happy
• One model will be powered by a combination of gasoline, ethanol, Chiclets, and bean sprouts
• The other will be powered by cow flatulence – how the car’s tank is refilled, you don’t want to know
• If of child-bearing age, all cars come with free birth-control
• If over the age of 65, all cars come with a DIY euthanasia kit. Please dispose of all syringes in an environmental friendly way

Exaltedly Yours,


May 12, 2009.

Does anyone find it interesting that at the press conference for the new Obama Motors, the Feds and Unions announced a “5-Year Plan” to turn around OM/BM? Do people not remember the Soviet Union and their failed 5-Year Plans? Also, where is the public outcry over this?

Friday, May 8, 2009

Pet Peeve Phriday

8 hot dog buns and 10 wieners in a pack! Come on people. Let's get the amounts even already people! What do I have to do? Buy packs that equal a common amount? 5 packs of buns and 4 packs of wieners so I have 40 of each. Is this some conspiracy to make me buy more?

Other business don't do this. Socks don't come in 3's to go along with a pair of shoes. Altough - the way we lose socks around here that might not be a bad thing.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

American Idol '09

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

Results Night

I watched the performances again today (yes I have no life) and have switched Danny to the bottom and moved Kris to 3rd. That attempt at screaming at the end of ‘Dream On’ was horrendous. I think Danny was better in the duet but his solo was a lot worse than Kris’s. Kris wasn’t great but he’s not a rocker and he did his best and held his own.

1. Adam
2. Allison
3. Kris
4. Danny

But I still think Kris will get the boot even though I think he’s better than SMD (Smug Mediocre Danny). Why? I’m not really sure. Maybe because of my past sins I feel that God is going to punish me by keeping Danny around awhile longer. Of course that doesn’t explain why the rest of America has to be punished by SMD. Lord if you see fit to have The Danny given the old heave-ho tonight I promise: to never again go through the 10 items or less line with a 12-pack of Coke Zero, to refrain from ripping tags off of mattresses at department stores, to stop hating cats, to never get into a land war in Asia, to almost always wear clean underwear, to stop imitating Alf and to stop using my wife’s razor when she’s not looking.

The special guest singers tonight are Daughtry and No Doubt. We have also been threatened with Paula singing her new song. Of course there will be the Ford Video and Group Sing A Long to look forward to. Actually with the Rock theme still in play, the group sing might not be as painful to digest as Mrs. Kotter’s tuna casserole.

And this is American Idol!!!!!!

How many suits does Ryan have? Simon broke out his black shirt for the occasion. Paula and the well-aged girls are making their nightly appearance. Randy is in a red sweater and looks a lot like Clifford the Big Red dog – no offense intended to Clifford. Kara is doing the black outfit again and trying to look like a bad mamma jamma.

Ford Video – Cutout idolers in a 2-D land ala A-Ha’s “Take on Me” video – lame.

Group sing – Alice Cooper’s “School’s Out (for Summer)” with Slash on lead guitar. The most funnest group sing this year. Still a bit silly at times but a major improvement over some of them. I’m mean come on, Slash in his Top Hat! What more could someone want?

Ok it’s Paula Time! Y’all ready? Got earplugs at the ready for yourselves and any children and small pets in a 10 mile radius? Holy mother of pearl what has Idol wrought? There is nothing like a 46 year-old lip-syncing woman dressed like a working girl from a Vegas bordello to get the evening going. There is 3 minutes of my life I can never get back. I can’t stand Paula and even I’m embarrassed for her.

And the madness continues with Gwen Stefani and No Doubt singing “Just a Girl”. “Just a Girl” is a tolerable song, and Gwen and the band have loads of energy but is she purposely trying to be act like and idiot? A nice outfit……maybe a hairbrush and Gwen could be fairly attractive. Instead she looks like a bride from the show “My Redneck Wedding”. I mean come on a wife-beater with a neon-green bra underneath? Even The Donk wouldn’t wear that – at least not in public. And the fruitcake drummer with the Mohawk and tutu on could be her groom or his.

Alright time for some results – All four are told to stand up and Ryan reads back the judge’s comments. Ryan says he’s going to send one back to safety and in a somewhat shocker, Kris is the first one sent to safety. Which promptly has me worried about Allison now. We know it’s not Adam so our red-headed Puerto Rican firecracker could be in trouble.

And here is Daughtry – living proof that you don’t’ have to actually win Idol to do alright in the music bizz. So take heart whoever gets let go tonight. Wasn’t Daughtry the 4th place finisher? Daughtry is one of those safe kinda vanilla rock bands. Nothing I’d personally buy but a whole lot less disturbing than Paula’s performance. I mean at least I don’t feel defiled and violated and like I need a shower after watching Daughtry.

Ok its go time. I was doing my Go Home Danny Gokey dance (patent pending) all during the last commercial break. Time to see if it worked. Adam is safe – no kidding.

Down to Danny and Allison..........and........funky monkey dance didn’t work!!!! Danny is safe and Allison’s going home. Proving that mainly dumb people own phones in this country.

Allison is gracious if not a bit sad. Well done young lady!!!! Allison sings for us one more time while Smug Mediocre Danny (SMD) gets to live another week. Ok that does it, I’m using Sam’s razor.

Would any of you actually buy an album by SMD?

Why is SMD more popular than Allison? Help me out with this people. Danny was horrible last night and average most other nights.

Phooey – so much for sticking pins in my Danny Gokey doll. That was a waste of $27.99 plus shipping.

Ok I’ll get over it. Have a great night everyone.

Adios, God Bless and Goodnight

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Frugal Mom Helps Family Get Out Of Debt

Angela Coffman, also known as Frugal Mom, is helping another local woman save big.
Coffman said she found ways to save money and get her family out $100,000 debt in less than a year.
"When I hear what she's done with her family, I think, 'Why not? Anyone can do this,'" said Julie Apple, a mother of three.
Apple said her family has $21,000 of debt -- $6,000 from a car loan, $7,000 in student loan and $8,000 in credit card debt.
So, Coffman met with Apple.

Read the rest of the article here

See her website here Grocery Shrink

American Idol '09

Welcome to the jungle
We take it day by day
If you want it you're gonna bleed
But it's the price you pay

Gun N’ Roses

It is Rock night for our Fab Four. Which should pretty much make it easy for them all to find good songs to sing since that covers 1000’s of tunes. The biggest drawback that I can see is a lot of the songs could be really up-tempo and cause Paula to stand up and dance like a drunken bar wench.

The rumor out on the street is that each contest will be doing a song solo And a duet with a fellow contestant. How great would it be if Adam and Danny sang Wham’s “Careless Whisper” or Culture Club’s “Do you Really Want to Hurt Me”

And of course tonight’s guest mentor is Slash – while I hate the mentor-thing – I love me some Slash. I have no idea if he can still speak in complete sentences but I’m looking forward to him none the less.

And This is American Idol!!!!!!

Ryan is way too formal for rock night. Dude get some jeans and an old Zeppelin shirt.

Our Fab Four are looking their rocky best. I give Allison credit for looking the best overall, Adam the most outrageous, Danny the tamest and Kris the most out of character.

Nice video montage of Slash’s career and his approach to mentoring. He’s at the Roxy with a band and rocking with the idolettes. My favorite mentor by 1000 miles.

Adam is doing “Whole Lotta Love” by Zeppelin. He’s definitely got the pipes to do Robert Plant and he’s got the “Gay Bikers on Acid” look down pat. This song’s got more than enough crazy vocals for him to have fun with. And Adam kills it! Randy says Slash and Adam should do an album – exactly what I said during the song. Kara just goes totally “Paula” and really needs to be hosed down or horse whipped or flogged on the quarter-deck. Plus what’s with the ridiculous Rocker Chick look? It ain’t you babe. Paula probably lusted after Adam too but I’m trying not to listen to her tonight, it makes me homicidal. Simon basically calls it impossible to top.

Allison is singing Joplin’s “Cry Baby”. Miss Allison is sporting some new hair-do that she got from Adam’s stylist. And some black lizard-skin pants. Slash says she needs to get over her fear (which has been her problem this year). I think the advice helped, she looks more relaxed and comfortable in her skin. Randy doesn’t love the song choice says she should have done a song with more melody. Kara says she looked nervous – I don’t think she did. Paula says she should play Janis in a movie. Simon thinks she looked comfortable.

Up next we get Kris and Danny doing a duet. Man I hope this isn’t totally fruity. Oh who am I kidding that’s exactly what I’m hoping for. That means Allison and Adam will be singing together later – cool.

Kris and Danny are doing Styx’s “Renegade”. Have I ever told you people how much I hate Styx? No? I’d rather listen to Paula Abdul’s new album than Styx. That being said I actually like this version better than the original. They did well together (and this from a Danny Hater). Randy likes it. Kara calls it pitchy but good overall. Paula and ‘the girls’ babble. Simon says Danny was better than Kris. True.

And we are back with Kris who is singing “Come Together” by The Beatles. Kris gets to play Slash’s guitar – freaking cool!!! I’m not sure about the song choice; Kris doesn’t seem ‘bad’ enough for this song. Instead of The Beatles it sounds more like Aerosmith Light. Kris looks like he is having fun but he’s not a rock dude. Maybe he should have picked a mellower song. Randy liked it ok. Kara did not. Holy cow I find myself agreeing with Kara. Paula speaks and I stick ice picks in my ears. Someone let me know what she said. Simon calls it boring and safe and it’s like eating mice for lunch – huh? Oh he said ice. Huh?

Danny is singing “Dream On” by Aerosmith. Slash says Danny could go either way. Well now. I think Danny can do well with the slow parts of the song but is he gonna try and hit the high rocking parts? Well yes it appears so. Curse you Danny who have Paula dancing and a jiggling. I did not like the last half of that song. And he really can’t pull-off the tough rocker guy thing. I do give him credit for trying it. Randy agrees with me. Biker Babe Kara is not impressed either. She says she sees Danny doing earlier Aerosmith like "Crazy" or "Cryin’”. Kara, “Dream On” is from Aerosmith’s first album released in 1973! “Crazy” and “Cryin’” are from the 90’s! Some industry insider she is. The Dancing’ Lush says it’s not the right choice for him. Simon compares the last note to a horror movie scream but then puts in a plug for Danny. Why? Well because he’s Danny Gokey – one of the chosen ones.

And we finish off the evening with Adam and Allison singing “Slow Ride” by Foghat. Quite the interesting pants selection by Adam. A bit like Elvis in ‘Jailhouse Rock’. Unlike Chris and Danny, Adam and Allison actually look like they like each other and are having fun. Whereas Kris looked ticked to be stuck with Danny. Ok that was a whole lotta fun. RanKarula loved it and thinks they should record a duet together – why not? They share hairstylists. Simon says Adam may have saved Allison – whatever. Allison wasn’t bottom 3 last week Simon.

I liked the duets and say bring them back next year.

Prediction time.

It no longer matters when Adam gets the boot; he’s going to get a chance to make a record. Of course we have known that for weeks.

1. Adam – love him/hate him. He’s got some serious pipes
2. Allison - she seems to get more and more comfortable each week. Don’t think she can win but I can see her getting to the finals with Adam.
3. Danny – I can’t believe I’m putting him above Kris. But his solo was just as bad as Kris’s but he was the better half of the duet. I feel dirty now. I need a shower
4. Kris – sorry dude. I think it could be the end of the road for you. But I’m pulling for you. Vote for Kris people! Send Danny home!

But since this is basically a popularity contest at this point and no longer a singing contest, I have no idea who will go home tomorrow night. It could be any of the four – and that includes Adam.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Forget Porky Pig

Ricky Raccoon is the real health risk.

Rare Disease, Raccoon Roundworm, Strikes Two in New York

New York City health officials are reporting two cases of raccoon roundworm; a disease contracted through contact with raccoon feces. It can cause permanent nerve damage and death.

The department's Sally Slavinski says:

"Parents should closely supervise small children in areas where raccoons live to prevent possible ingestion of raccoon feces."

So all you people who are over reacting about the swine-flu "epidemic" can now add Raccoon Roundworm to your ever growing lists of things to fear - things that only the government and media seem to thing are a big deal....hmm, I wonder why that is?

I'm glad NY health officials are warning parents not to let their kids eat raccoon poop. What a great public service government officials provide. NY residents must be so proud when they pay their taxes to know that they have officials like this looking out for them.

Isn't "not eating poop (any poop)" part of parenting 101? If health 'experts' are only warning about eating raccoon poop, does that mean that opossum, fox and deer poop are ok?

One major plus of the people acting like sissies about the Swine-Flu, Catholic churches in my area are making the 'sign-o-peace' optional. It took people getting ill for this bane of the liturgy to get de-emphasized but it's a start. Maybe if I turn loose some raccoon's in our church I can get rid of this pinko-commie plot forever. Or better yet I'll have all the kids wear pig-noses to Mass next week, that should do the trick.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Man Rules

I got no time and nothing to say so you are getting an oldie but a goodie from someone better than I

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1 "

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports - It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Hunting or Fishing.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.