What happens when Mom is doing errands and Dad is in charge

Mary: (4) “dad, Joey (10) colored all over Robert (8) with a pen”.

Me: “He what”?!

Mary: “Joey colored on Robert’s chest and butt with a pen”.

Me: “Robert get down here”!

A few minutes pass and I’ve forgotten about the incident.
Robert hollers at me that he’s going to take a shower. Light bulb goes on.

Me: “Robert come here for second”.

Robert: “Yes dad”.

Me: “Why are you taking a shower”? (asked as I’m starring at his face that has pen markings on it)

Robert: “Joey colored on my face”.

Me: “Anywhere else”?
Robert: “And on my chest and legs”.

Me: “Anywhere else”?

Robert: “No”.

Me: “Mary said Joey colored your butt”.

Robert: “Yeww Dad, that’s gross”!

For the record, Robert's tushie was ink free.

At Breakfast This Morning

Dominic (6)

"Hey, what's in my sock"?

reaches inside his sock and pulls something out.

"Oh it's a chocolate Easter egg".

"Anyone want it"?

He's such a thoughtful young man. And no, I don't have any idea why it was in his sock or for how long...as often as he changes his socks it could have been there since Easter Sunday.

Anyone else ever get these questions?

Don’t you know what causes that?
Are all those kids yours?
Isn’t that irresponsible?
Don’t you care about the environment?

Depending on my mood and who asks the above questions, the person may get a nice answer, a smart aleck answer, a stupid look or a size 9 running shoe in their nether-regions.

Yes, but the other 11 are at home.
Yes, I can’t seem to lose them. Can you run interference for me?
No, I just thought it would be fun to bring some of the neighbors kids with me to the grocery store.
Yes, we have a TV, haven’t you ever heard of commercial breaks?
No this isn’t a group home or daycare.
I hate the cold bring on the global warming.
My wife thinks I’m a hottie and can’t keep her hands off me.
Yes and they are the only reason you will be getting a social security check and not having to eat dog food.
You’ve obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a $#@%
I’ve never been accused of being responsible
Yes I know what causes it…and I like it.

And to the people who say: “How nice to see a large family these days and they are so well behaved”.
After making sure they are really talking to me...Thank you and God Bless

btw - we have been getting these questions since we had our third.

And the award for most self-promoting goes to…

I’ve decided I’m really not that nice of a person (my kids have know this for years), I’m the type of guy you wants to see Jared, of Subway fame http, gain back the weight….
I refuse to eat at Subway because of him. Well that and the fact that their food tastes worse than my mother-in-laws (kidding mom). I can't figure out exactly what drives me nuts about seeing him. But whenever I do, I get more worked up then Obama's Pastor Wright going on about Whitey. I guess having him for a spokesman has helped business. But I know I’m not the only one who has had it with him. Now it's the 10th anniversary of his weight loss and his mug is all over the place again. "The horror...the horror".
So Jared, do us all a favor and go have a ribeye steak and blooming onion from Outback Steakhouse
I will give him this; he’s not as bad as Peyton and Eli Manning. Those 2 will endorse anything. I swear they would have a sex-change operation if they thought they could get a Tampax endorsement. Now their old man is joining in the act. Sheesh. And yes I’m a Redskins fan. What’s that have to do with anything?
Man I’m in a jealous mood today…maybe if someone gave us our own TV specials like another large family, which shall remain nameless (Duggar), has, I’d feel better. I mean come on my kids are cute too – when they are sleeping. And while we don’t dress them all the same (heck I’m happy if only 2 or 3 are running around bare-bottomed), and they don’t all sleep together in 2 large military barracks style rooms (heck I’m not quite sure where some of them do sleep) and my kids names all don’t start with the same letter of the alphabet (at least I don’t think they do…honey what are all their names again?) I’d like some money for exploiting my kids too. I just can’t find anyone to Show Me the Money! I guess I just don't have enough kids. Maybe Sam was right and I need to get rid of those spandex bike shorts.

Remember people; around here we kid cause we love

ps I was kidding about wanting Jared to gain back the weight…at least I think I’m kidding

A Nation of Whiners

Why can’t families today handle their lousy 1.8 children (or whatever the current joke-of-a-birthrate is)? This morning I’m driving 3 of my 11 kids to CCD (and a few neighbor kids) and I pass the local McDonalds. The drive-thru is 20 cars deep and cars are lined up on the road trying to get into the parking lot to get some of that oh-so nutritious food. Most of these are the so called soccer moms (and some dad’s too) running late, again, to their little darlings soccer and baseball games. They’ve got their honking-big SUV’s piled up waiting for egg Mc Muffins, hash browns and plastic Disney-Movie-of-the-Month crapola and 1 or 2 kids in the vehicles. If they are going to drive those monster cars they could at least have the guts (or stupidity – your call) to fill them up with kids. But seriously, how hard is it to get up and have breakfast before running around like madman (or is that madpersons ?) all morning. At this point of the day I had already been grocery shopping, gone to the gas station and 3 of the 11 kids were dressed (the clothes might even had matched), had eaten breakfast, teeth were brushed and they looked reasonably respectable.
I just love the parents of 1 or 2 kids complaining about this and that…they are so much work (have some more so they have someone to play with), it’s so expensive (take them out of the designer daycare, designer camps and designer clothes you hoser. Like I make a lot of money), I don’t have the patience that you do (PATIENCE!!! HA!!! Ask my saintly bride how patient I am. The microwave makes me angry because it takes too long).
So come on people. If a putz like me can handle my family (barely), y’all can handle yours.
End of rant. Remember people, we kid because we love.

There is no place like home

Home safe from New Hampshire. Another 550 miles of driving. Just over 9 hours. Only 3 stops this time for coffee, gas, food, and coffee recycling.The boys were actually well behaved. Lots of wet and dirty laundry. The boys each showered at least once while they were up there. They also brushed their teeth daily and they might even have changed their underwear once or twice.
We had a good visit with Josh. Snow every where up there. Lots of fun and games and good food. My arm is dead from snowball fights and dodgeball.
Robert was the star of the week. All the big kids at the school loved him. He was like their mascot.

A re-telling of a conversation from Easter Sunday evening on the way home from my sisters house.

Joey (10 and should be a blonde): "Mom I lost my necklace".

Sam: "That's ok, we will call Aunt Chrisse when we get home and see if you left it at her house".

....a few minutes pass....

Joey: "Never mind I found it........It was around my neck".

Hello from NH

Up in NH this week. Brought 3 of my boys to visit their oldest brother who is in a HS seminary up here. Whole lot of snow still around here. Spent 9.5 hours in the car yesterday driving up here. 2 fast food stops, 3 gas stops and 4 coffee stops...Thank you Lord for Dunkin' Donuts.
Sam I LOVE YOU!!!

Happy Easter

Money Saving Ideas

Beyond ‘if it’s yellow let it mellow, if it’s brown flush it down’ water saving type tips.

Lower credit card bill this month?! Oh yeah, I haven’t been grocery shopping in 3 weeks…ah what the heck, it’s lent, it’s good for them. Seriously, my credit card bill is about $600 less than usual. That’s what happens when you don’t go to the grocery store for the big weekly shopping trip and just eat what’s in the pantry and freezer. Of course this is only a short term solution since you have to restock the groceries eventually and it only works if you were well stocked in the first place. But it was nice while it lasted.

A few weeks ago our power went out for the weekend. It wasn’t too bad, other than the kids playing with the candles and trying to burn down my house. Anyway we had no heat for the one night it was out. The inside temperature went down to 58 degrees. We just wore warmer clothes to bed and everyone was fine. So 58 has become the new temperature that I turn the thermostat down to at night. I still let them turn it up to 64 during the day…I’m not a completely insensitive.

Now if someone would just give me a free milk-cow or two.

How not to save money. Spend the day (today) at a soccer tournament. Drive 83.35 miles (each way) to the soccer tournament (you have seen the price of gas, right?). Bring enough food and drink to last from 7am-5pm. Pay tournament fees. All this so ONE out of eleven kids can play 3 lousy soccer games…Actually it was great to get to spend the day with alone with just one of the kids, doesn’t happen much.
There goes all the money saved by eating the pantry bare and freezing the family at night.

today's workout: 7 mile run

Good Friday - nuff said

Today's workout - 4.5 mile run

Holy Thursday

A few quick thoughts.

It’s Jesus’ last supper before he died. Dying is a possibility for any one of my kids nearly every night at my house during dinner.
Just once I’d like a meal where milk isn’t spilled, food isn’t thrown, people aren’t yelling at each other and Cecilia isn’t going potty in her pants…is that really too much to ask for.

But I digress, today is Holy Thursday; the day the Eucharist and the Priesthood were instituted. Our church always has a great Mass on this night and it’s even more special for us since Joseph, #6 child and #3 son, is becoming and Altar Boy tonight. Congratulations Joey!

I had a wonderful lunch out with my bride today. It’s our 18 years and 10 months wedding anniversary today. Fried calamari, pizza and Greek salad. I need a nap.

Today’s workout: a very windy 12 mile run. Legs felt good though.

“My name’s not Grace…” Morris Day and the Time

Is it possible to lose all the grace one has received from going to confession and receiving the Eucharist over the weekend by the following Tuesday?

Since it’s lent we (well Sam really) have been trying to get ALL the kids to daily mass as much as possible. We figure all the regulars at daily Mass should have to suffer too, it’s lent after all.
Yesterday I was working from home so I decided to grace them with my presence too. Got all the kids loaded into the Family Truckster (if you haven’t seen the movie Vacation you probably shouldn’t be reading this blog) by 7:52am for the 8:00am mass. So far so good. Only problem is the van wouldn’t turn over, dead battery. I notice that the van door wasn’t shut tightly because Caleb had put a carpet in it the night before. So the dome lights must have been on all night hence the dead battery. So after a few minutes of blowing my top and letting Caleb have it, and putting myself in a bad mood, I decide to jump start the sucker. Takes about 5 minutes of being hooked up to the Suburban (the small car) for the van to finally turn over and start. That’s when I notice that the hazard lights are on and probably had been since Sunday morning after we got home from Mass. So Caleb was right when he said he shut the door all the way after putting the carpet in…man I hate it when they are right…

My Graceometer is dangerously low.

Hopefully the battery isn’t dead dead and the charge holds. Otherwise I’m going to have to go buy a new battery and put it in. First I’m having my brother the cop dust the hazard light switch for finger prints and find out which one of the kids it was and then they are paying for it out of their savings accounts.
I have a sneaky suspicion it was Cecilia (2). Which shouldn’t be too hard to prove. Her prints are already on file with the local police, the FBI and Interpol. She is into everything. If there is makeup (Sam's not mine) all over the bathroom be assured Cecilia was around. If there is poop any place other than the toilet, Cecilia has been through the area.
If Cecilia aka Hunter was in a Steel-Cage Death-Match with Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer and Sarah Connor, my money would be on Hunter to be the last one standing.

19 down 64 to go

Is this carrying the “until death do is part” thing a little far?

Couple has been married 83 years…

I seriously doubt if Sam could put up with me that long…although it would probably qualify her for instant sainthood. But the thought of having her all to myself for 83 years is a major turn-on.

They say they haven’t had an argument since 1946, something that Mayme attributes to the fact that her husband, who is 101, is the strong, silent type who isn’t given to argument. “That’s why we got along so well,” joked the 99-year-old Mayme. “He never spoke out of turn. I didn’t give him a chance.”

I can relate Clarence, I can relate. Although I’m pretty sure I have managed to get in few more arguments than old Clarence.

But their biggest challenge came in 1948, when Clarence was diagnosed with tuberculosis.
According to “The Catholic Spirit,” the newspaper of the archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis, Mayme promised that if her husband survived, she would attend Mass every day for the rest of her life.

You go girl! I'm thinking Clarence faked the TB to get her out of the house each day.

She kept it up for nearly 60 years, until the couple moved into a retirement home within the last year. Now, she’s down to two Masses a week, but she still says the rosary regularly — another daily ritual for nearly her entire life. She offered few secrets to long life and a long marriage, other than to say they never smoke or drank — both seemed a waste of money.

They must not be Irish

Their faith told them to stay faithful through thick and thin, and they did that. It also told them to be fruitful and multiply, and they did that, too.

I’ve got that part down.

Their six children — three have been married for 50 years or longer — begat 39 grandchildren, who begat 101 great-grandchildren, who have so far begotten 40 great-great-grandchildren. If you’re keeping score at home, that’s 186 descendants.

Heck of a crowd at Christmas…no wonder they moved into a retirement home.
Sam always says she looks forward to growing old with me…I wonder if this is what she has in mind. I guess there are worse things to happen to one in life :)

Today is: "Awkward Moments Day" (I’m good at causing those), "Forgive Mom and Dad Day", "National Biodiesel Day"

Todays Workout/s: 7 mile run at lunch time.

It was the best of times it was the worst of times – don’t you just hate it when people start stories like that? How stinking clichéd can you get…
Anyway it’s Monday which is always a Tale of Two Emotions type of day. On the one hand part of me is happy to be going back to work for some peace and quiet and to get away from the potty trainee who goes potty everywhere but in the toilet. But I get kinda lonely on Monday mornings at work. Weird, I know. After two days of all the commotion and running around, all the fights and fun, all the meals and spills, all the mess and all the mess and all the mess (none of which is my fault of course)…you start to get used to the craziness and realize it’s normal. It’s just the way things are at our house. The quietness of the workplace is actually strange, creepy strange.
That’s what makes this new job so good. I get to work from home 2 days a week (anymore and someone might get their lungs ripped out). So Tuesday’s and Thursday’s I’m at home. One day at work, one day at home etc…best of both worlds. This new job has truly been a blessing so far.
Now to get back to work so I can keep this cool gig.

Today is: St. Patrick’s Day or is it? For all I know the liturgical ‘experts’ in this country have moved it to Ascension Thursday – I hear that date is free. Anyway being an Italian German American and married to an Irish Lass makes for an interesting day. I would normally wear all black today just to be annoying. But just to show how much I have grown, I’m wearing green boxer-briefs…so there.
Today is also: “Campfire Girls Day”, “Freedom of Information Day”, and “Well-Elderly Day” enjoy!

Peace Out

why I love my wife...

We met when I was 20 at a party in my hometown...I actually was digging her friend with the blue eyes, but her persistence was attractive. Later we met on occasions when we would bump into each other in town. She hung out with my sister. We visited when I was home from school and wrote and phoned often. We dated and enjoyed each others company. Although, after about a year and a half I decided to break things off. Then it took me about a week to let her know that I was planning on marrying her anyway. She laughed, since I had just broke her young heart. After another year and a half our paths came together again and we started dating again. It took about 3 months for me to decide that I wanted to marry her. She said yes, but it took my telling her that I would push her off Sugarloaf Mountain if she said no. I also mentioned to her that, "who else would give her 10 kids, a white picket fence and a dog?" After deciding that the dog must go and an eleventh child would be more desirable, she said YES!!! We are now the happy couple of eleven children in hopes of many more!!!

I came not to bring peace but a sword

Reflections on Palm Sunday

So we all slept until around 9am this morning which made the morning rush to get everyone in the van by 9:30 for Mass more challenging then usual. 30 minutes to get 10 kids dressed, hair and teeth brushed and out the door. I did my part by getting myself showered and dressed without bothering Sam. I did help out by occasionally shouting for everyone to hurry up and get in the van or I'd tear their faces off. As usual it all worked out and we made it to 10am mass at 9:45 - my OCD 'must be at everything early' was in full force - not sure what they would all do without me. Robert (8) had all ready gone to church early since he was singing in the children's choir - holy little bugger.
Dominic (6) was sitting next to me and wanting a cross made out of his palms. So Caleb (15) and I made him one during the first 2 readings. Don't worry I still paid attention to the readings...they were about God. Anyway it took Dominic all of 2 minutes to turn the cross around and hold it like a sword and start jabbing and slashing with it. I'm sure he was imitating St Michael and not Captain jack Sparrow.
But the kids all survived the seemingly 2 day long gospel reading. Of course the threat of losing donuts after church always helps. Never mind the fact that the donuts had been canceled, they didn't know that yet. Nothing like seeing your kids shout "Crucify him! Crucify him!" to warm a fathers heart (insert rolling eyes emotioncon here). None of the kids freaked too much upon finding out that they were donut-less...man they are getting holier by the minute...
The rest of the day...well lunch, watched The Incredibles, some basketball and The Nativity Story. Sam and I went for walk and then she road a bike and kept me company while i ran. The hot little momma did great.

Peace Out