American Idol '09

They say
I need some Rogaine
To put in my hair
Work it out at the gym
To fit my underwear
Oakley makes the shades
That transform a tool
You'd hate
For the kids to think
That you lost your cool
“Pork N’ Beans” - Weezer

2 songs each tonight. One of their own choosing and one chosen by the judges (Simon).

If I was a judge and choosing I’d pick the following:

For Smuggy – I’d pick the ultimate poser song, “Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)” by the Offspring

You know it's kind of hard
Just to get along today
Our subject isn't cool
But he fakes it anyway
He may not have a clue
And he may not have style
But everything he lacks
Well he makes up in denial

So don't debate, a player straight
You know he really doesn't get it anyway
He's gonna play the field, and keep it real
For you no way, for you no way
So if you don't rate, just overcompensate
At least you'll know you can always go on Ricki Lake
The world needs wannabe's
So do that brand new thing

For Adam – I’d pick a David Bowie song like “Space Oddity” and have him dress in that androgynous style that Bowie perfected in the 70’s. If not that then I’d pick a Queen song. I really want to hear him do a Queen song again.



For Kris – I’d just go with something mellow and white-bread. Maybe some Air Supply or Lionel Ritchie.

Now if I was the actual singer and wanted to do well, here is what I would do:

Adam – I’d sing whatever I wanted to. I’d just pick a song I really liked and have a good time with it. Rock something out for fun bro. People know what he can do and people already either love him or hate him.

Kris – he needs to distinguish himself a bit and not be mediocre like Smuggy will be. I’d do a cool song but not go overboard with the coolness because he won’t be able to pull it off. Maybe something by Ben Harper, Jack Johnson, Ben Kweller or Vampire Weekend. Hip stuff but not overly so.

Danny – he needs to hit a homerun. There is no way he is increasing his fan base (35-55 fraulein’s from the Bible Belt). I doubt that many of Allison’s voters are flocking to Danny. They are probably voting for Adam. Danny is too much of a Dork for Allison’s fans plus they feel that he should have been the one to get booted not her. If I were Danny I’d pull out all the stops and play the Sympathy and Christian cards. I’d ditch the glasses and look right into the camera and sing some sappy love song to the housewives of Middle America and hope for the best. He has no hope of winning (unless in some weirdness Adam gets voted out this week) but he might be able to get to the Finals. But win? Never! Never I say! If Kris gets canned this week then his voters aren’t voting for Danny. Kris can’t seem to stand Danny (good taste Kris has). Did you see how he looked like he wanted to beat the snot out of Danny with his microphone during last week’s duet? Kris’ fans might not rush to support Adam but I don’t see a lot of them voting for Danny either.

So why do I find myself waking screaming in the middle of the night in a cold sweat? It’s not the thought of Rosanne Barr’s un-shaved legs that does it. It’s the deep fear that Danny will beat out the much more deserving and talented Kris Allen and get to the finals which disturbs my other-wise tranquil sleep in my over-sized bed – tranquil when the kids actually sleep through the night that is……it really is a wonder we have 12 kids.

And we are off and running – or not. For some reason we are having filler tonight. Top 3 going home, incoherent Paula reading off her 3x5 cards to explain her song choice for Danny etc…

Danny Gokey – Song #1 chosen by the Cougar – Terrance Trent D’arby’s “Dance Little Sister”. Danny should be kicked off the Island after that performance for two reasons: 1) wearing boots with pants 2) singing to Paula and making her dance too - and a bonus reason 3) his dancing. It wasn’t an awful performance but the part with him scatting back and forth with the sax player was cheesier than Mayor McCheese. The judges – Randy uses his first ‘Dope’ reference of the night. Kara liked the vocals and didn’t like the dancing. Paula’s writer wrote down that she should say she liked the dancing. Simon called the dancing desperate.

Kris Allen – Song #1 chosen by Randy and Kara – “Apologize” by One Nation. Questions. Why are they texting the song choice? Why is Kris wearing blue nail polish during his home visit? He and his wife playing dress-up? Kris is playing the piano and does a fantastic job in my lame non-humble opinion. Unlike Danny’s performance I don’t want to hurl. Randy dug it. Kara the moron uses a baseball analogy to say she didn’t really like it. Great music insider analysis as usual Kara. I think she stole some of Paula’s 3x5 cards. Paula – rambles way more than usual, so yes Kara swiped her cards. Simon rags on both the girls to my everlasting gratitude. Not sure what they were all fighting about but I really liked Kris’ performance.

Adam Lambert – Song #1 chosen by Simon - “One” by U2. Lots of name dropping by Simon and Paula. Like we care who is better buds with Bono. Adam is looking particularly like an Elf from LOTR tonight – which is slightly disturbing but much better than a stinking hobbit. Very nice vocals. It is silly hard to do an U2 song. So props for Adam for doing a great job at it. Randy liked it ok. Kara tries to out cougar Paula by going nuts over the top. Paula, not to be out done, shows off her new I HEART ADAM tattoo across her back. Don’t these girls know he plays for a different team? Simon loved it.

A bit of filler with Carrie Underwear over in Africa promoting Idol Gives Back. They are giving money for tents to help prevent malaria. Good cause and good job by Idol. Keep up the good work guys. Good filler for a change.

And now we get to see what they have chosen for themselves.

Smuggy McSmuggerson has chosen “You are so Beautiful” by Joe Cocker. I totally called this. Love song, gospel arrangement, singing into the camera to the desperate housewives of Akron, OH and Decatur, GA. Well I almost called it; he’s still wearing his designer glasses. I will refrain from judging his performance since I can’t stand him and I can no longer be objective. Sadly the judges are agog about it. Please don’t encourage people to vote for him.

Kris Allen has chosen “Heartless” by Kanye West. Just Kris and his acoustic guitar singing and looking pretty cool. I called this one too – that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Much better than the original and the Fray’s version. And way better than Danny could ever hope to be. I’d actually buy a CD of Kris’. This was my favorite performance of the night. Randy agrees with me. Kara cougars out again. Paula disses Simon. Simon liked the performance too.

And last up in the pimp spot is Adam. He has chosen Aerosmith’s “Cryin’”. I called this one too. Doing a fun classic rock song that he can justifiably go a little nuts with the vocals. Or maybe more than a little nuts. Adam is in his element. Having a blast. RanKara loved it. Paula says something about collecting frequent flyer miles that I don’t get. Simon asks people not to assume Adam will get to the finals and to vote for them.

Ranking them quick and dirty –

1. Kris Allen – loved him tonight, even more than Adam.
2. Adam – he is a victim of his own success. He was great tonight too but has set the bar so high.
3. Danny – he needs to shave

Idol only went over 4 minutes tonight. Buy a freaking stopwatch FOX.

Adios, God Bless and Goodnight