American Idol Night - '09

Tonight we are in lovely SALT LAKE CITY (SLC). Home of last year’s runner-up Baby Elmo, the 2002 Winter Olympics, Robert Redford, Ted Bundy, The Osmonds and Roseanne Barr. It’s also where The Donk has is summer retreat. He likes to go there a few times each year for mediation and contemplation on the meaning of life. Or maybe it’s to watch Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life.

And we are off and running. Here’s Baby E himself, some fat dude pulling up his shirt, The Osmonds and someone in a pink rabbit suit looking like Ralphie from Christmas Story.

We see lots of people lined up all night waiting to get in – probably drinking non-alcoholic beer. Paula and Kara are actually not showing cleavage for a change. All males 14-24 just changed to the channel to Ultimate fighting. Randy is here and probably just doubled the number of black people in SLC. Simon gets fawned over and pawed my various female fans (Brigham Young rolls over in his grave)

First up is a story of Alan Osmond’s son David. We meet his family – there might be more people at his house than mine. Pleasant guy with spiky hair. Both father and son have MS. David is singing a Take 6 song for the judges. He’s got a nice voice. Misses a few notes but overall he’s good. Paula, Randy and Kara all babble. And then surprise surprise he gets the yellow ticket.

Here is our first commercial break. I won’t be listing the commercials tonight. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is on ABC Family so I’ll be switching over during the break. Plus let’s face it who cares about the commercials.

And here is SLC’s only ‘Goth’, Tara Matthews. She gives Goth’s a bad name. And she claims to have ESP. Maybe she should use it to win the lottery and buy some new clothes. And of course she’s predictably bad. Why? Why do we have to have these people? Another foil for the judges to have at. Simon and crew are surprisingly restrained. Goth Girl gives us half a peace sign on her way out.

And here is tonight’s horrid singer montage. Lets hope it’s the only one of the night.

Next up is Chris. Chris with his Simon t-shirt, Simon head on a stick and a large dude in a pink bunny costume. I had day-dreams of scenes like this in college. Randy is digging on the Bunny. But both are sent packing after Bunny hugs and picks up Simon.

Commercial time, we are promised good singers when we return. Let’s hope so. Off to see Wonka.

SLC is a pretty looking city. We get to see lots of people being polite ala Archie. The Seacrest and his flannel wanna be shirt give the contestants some advice.

Next up his Frankie Jordan from Hollywood. She’s an Amy Winehouse wannabe. She’s not bad but something about her bugs me. Maybe it’s that she looks like Amy but in an attractive non-scary way, bit why should that bug me? Simon likes her, Paula does too (of course), Kara and Randy fall in line also and she’s going back home to Hollywood. Seacrest makes the Frankie goes to Hollywood joke, I wanted to do that.

Next up is another mom, Megan Corkery. With a very tattooed arm and a frumpy dress. She could actually be pretty if someone gave her a makeover. Part of her singing is good, part scares the dogs in my neighborhood. If she can get rid of the mad notes she’s got a good jazzy voice. The judges love her. Why? Cause she’s different they say. Well in that case let guy with pink bunny man through.

Break time but first a promo for our SSN (Sob Story of the Night). Some cute ‘free spirit’ with a deceased hippy dad. Apparently ‘free-spirit’ is code for needs to shower.

Back from break with pimply face Andrew. Who does ‘soul’ without soul and is booted.

Here is High School class president, Austin Sisneros. He seems like a nice kid, hope he doesn’t stink and get made fun off. He sounds gospel like. Not the right sound for this show. Ok he’s doing another song….by Raffi….I hate Raffi almost as much as I hate Barney. Randy, Kara and Paula all give him a pass. Simon says he’s likable but needs to act younger. Austin cries and smiles afterwards. A Baby Elmo in training?

Lumberjack in training, Seacrest, tells this is where they made the High School musical movies. And here is collection of people crying. And more bad auditions in high speed fast forward.

16 year old girl with a name I can’t pronounce and recently from and island I didn’t catch the name of is up next. Ok her name is Taylor. She’s very tall and is singing Joyful, Joyful. Good voice. Paula, Randy, and Kara gush over her and more importantly Simon likes her too.

Another promo for SSN and you are treated to more ads and I get to watch Willy Wonka. Good screen work by LOL – Violet is turning into a big fat violet blueberry, love that part. I can’t stand bratty kids.

Here is 17 year old Rose Flack our ‘free-spirit’ and SSN of the night from Idaho. Rose is living with her best friend and her family. Her dad died when she was 13 years old and her mom died when she was 15. Rose apparently doesn’t own shoes – must be rough on the feet during the Idaho winters. She’s got a brother who doesn’t seem to know what a bar of soap and water are either. Yes I’m being mean and yes I know she lost both her parents. I feel bad for her. I’m just sick of FOX and their making money of the sad stories. She has a good personality. She’s singing I Feel the Earth Move. I like her voice, I still think she needs to be cleaned-up, but the girl can sing pretty well. The judges aren’t thrilled with her voice but think she has something special so she’s thru.

And that’s it for tonight. Oh what’s this? AI is on for 2 hours tomorrow night. From NY and Puerto Rico. And then we will be down with the auditions and we go to Hollywood next week.