Thoughts on Large Families and Responsible Parenting and Generous Parenthood

With all the brouhaha over on Mrs. Bean’s site (and other places) regarding whether or not couples are being irresponsible or not by having more kids while on some form of government aid (or to very loosely paraphrase some of the more harda$$ commentators “I don’t want my hard earned tax dollars going to pay for your brats to have milk to drink because y’all keep breeding like rats”.

Against my better judgment I’ve decided to open my big pie-hole on the issue.

A little background. While people would probably call my Catholicism ‘conservative’ or ‘traditional’ (just plain Catholic is fine with me), politically I’m a Libertarian. I have yet to meet a government program that I like and I would have actually voted in a national election for the first time since ’92 if Ron Paul had been nominated. So if anyone should be opposed to Catholics getting ‘handouts’ for their large families, it’s me.

I would love to see all of the welfare programs done away with and the stolen tax dollars given back to their rightful owners. I think that going back to when churches and other private charities were the main helpers of the poor would not only be a wonderful thing but would work a lot better than the incredibly wasteful programs that the Feds run. People generally seem to want to help others, if they were allowed to keep the money that they actually earn, tithes and gifts to charities would skyrocket. But in the meantime, and until we elect good people, this is the system we are stuck with.

I think we can all agree that parents need to do their best to provide for their kids themselves. But what if they can’t for one reason or another for either a short time period or a long one? What if they need help with food or medical expenses or utility bills etc…? Why shouldn’t they use any help that is available?

And all you people whining about ‘the poor breeders’ using tax payer funded programs; I hope you aren’t using any yourselves. I’m sure your kids aren’t in public schools, play in public parks and playgrounds, take federal grants or loans for college, go to State universities, drive on public roads (you really think the gas tax covers the highway expenses) or any of a 100 other government programs out there. And if you are so against these programs in general, you should be happy then if more people use them. The sooner they are bankrupted the sooner people will wise up and vote to get rid of them.

And what’s up with all the bashing of people who are in Grad School? People were commenting on how we didn’t need any more Theology or Philosophy majors we need doctors, and God help us, more lawyers! Lawyers?! Are you serious? You know why we need theology and philosophy majors? To teach future generations the correct teachings in situations like this. If someone wants to go to a private Catholic college and rack up student loan debt, that is their choice. Sure it would be nice if these private colleges weren’t so darn expensive. But they aren’t and it doesn’t mean going to them is the wrong thing to do or that they should stop having children if they are having trouble making ends meet for now.

How about we help them through the rough times and encourage them? I’m thinking a few more potential saints for the kingdom is worth a few food stamps or subsidized prescriptions. At least it’s a deal I’m willing to make. Would it kill people to be positive and helpful? It’s bad enough that the world gives us such grief about our family sizes; do we really need it from our church brethren (so called)?

So some of you think having to use WIC to get some milk, cheese, eggs and lousy cereal is a Grave enough reason to stop having children? (I’ve noticed a troubling trend over the years of ‘dumbing down’ what are grave reasons to not get preggo.) Well yes it could be, since grave reasons traditionally have referred to issues of health or poverty. But how are you people out there in cyber-space in any position to judge others based on just a few sentences of information on their situation. Just how poor do you have to be for the situation to be grave? The kids looking like Ethiopian famine victims or not being able to afford 2 weeks in Vail this year? See a Grave financial situation means different things to different people.

Even if they are in poverty it doesn’t mean they HAVE to use NFP. It’s still their choice. They are the ones that are responsible to God and know their situation best. And in case you haven’t noticed people aren’t exactly starving in the streets in this country or dying for lack of medical treatment. Maybe they would be justified in using NFP and maybe it’s possible they even should use it but how is this your decision at all?

And since some people seem to think that ‘us’ couples with large families look down on ‘them’ families (when did it become us vs. them?) with ‘only’ a few or no children, a few words on that might be appropriate. My wife and I have 11 children and we have relatives and friends who have a few and want more but have secondary-infertility problems or have none due to infertility problems. We (and no one else we know – and we know a Lot of large families) don’t look down on these people. We love them and pray for them and encourage them and include them in our families. We can never know all the circumstances of couples with ‘small’ families just like we can’t know all the circumstances of couples with ‘large’ families and not a lot of moolah. I’m sure there are couples with ‘small’ families who don’t follow the church’s teachings. But I have no idea which families do and which families don’t. And it’s none of my business.

On a personal note, there have been times early in our marriage when we used various programs to help us out. Overtime, with smart financial choices and better employment, our situation has improved dramatically. And while we aren’t well to do, we are making ends meet without much trouble. The way some of the people out there think, we should have stopped having kids for year’s # 2-10 of our marriage. That was when I quit a good banking job and we opened a Catholic Bookstore. I took a huge pay cut and we ate a whole lot of PB&J and Mac and Cheese during those years. Well if we had stopped having kids during that time-frame, then I wouldn’t have kids’ #’s 3-7. Any of you people want to come tell my middle kids that?

I must say that all this fuss over NFP has caught me by surprise. I thought people used it for grave/serious reasons or they didn’t, end of story. There are a lot of people debating this and that about it. I guess since we have never in our 19 years of marriage used it (no seriously we haven’t – hard to believe I know), we have evidently been out of the loop. All this seems like another reason for a good solid spiritual director.

One other thing. There is a whole lot of bandwidth being wasted on a teaching (NFP/Birth Control) that most ‘Catholics’ ignore anyway. Nothing like Catholics eating their own.

Ps – I know this rambles but I’m heading to the beach in the morning for a week. I’ll ponder this deeply while baking myself on the beach and watching my blessings from above play in the waves. Hopefully I will be a Responsible Parent and not fall asleep in my beach chair.

Now if y'all will excuse me, I need to go buy a burgandy sweater for the beach. I hear it can be cold in August.


Update***See here for a much better article then I could ever hope to write***