Thursday, April 2, 2009

American Idol '09

Top 9 results show

Will we have a third week in a row with a Creepy Geezer/Hot Young Girl duet?

Have the winds shifted and is Adam now the Judges/Producers favorite instead of Danny? Did the Idol powers that be finally realize that people might actually buy an album by Adam and that Danny would sell about 42 albums total, all to relatives?

During the Ford Music Video will Scott finally get to drive?

Will tonight’s show be more fun than a colonoscopy without a sedative?

All these questions and more will be answered tonight on your American Idol

Once again people we will be here with you all night long to see you through the pain of having to endure more filler than a prison meatloaf or an exotic dancer convention and more hot air than the G-20 meetings. You think AI results shows are painful imagine sitting in on some of those meetings in London.

Our down and dirty off the cuff prediction at the end of last night’s show was that Lil, Scott and Megan would be in the final 3 tonight. Upon further review we are putting Anoop in the bottom three and taking Lil out. Not because we think she was good last night but we doubt that a member of the judge’s holy trinity will be in the bottom 3. What’s that you say? It’s America that votes and decides who stays and who goes. You sweet dear naive people. We love your childlike trust in the system. Sure your vote counts (probably) but they are heavily influenced the judge’s comments and by the order of performance and other not very subtle things they do on the show. Witness Ryan plopping one of Lil’s kids in Randy’s lap – like that was spontaneous and unplanned. Unfortunately we are afraid that Matt could find himself in the bottom 3 again – a victim of the judge’s unfair and delusional comments about his performance last night.

Who’s getting booted off? Beats us. We are horrible at this. We will go will Anoop. Why? Why Not?!

You will have to forgive us if our typing is off a bit tonight. Our side still aches from the laughter expended last at Kara’s expense. Her ‘Studio 57’ comment is still killing us. We guess that this Studio 57 she hangs at is 3 better than the original Studio 54. Stop drinking from Paula’s Magic Coke Cup during the commercial breaks. We never thought it possible that there could be a worse judge than Paula, Kara baby you are in the same zip code as her.

Loose lips sink ships – in case anyone out there cares, on a radio show today Paula spilled the beans about next week’s theme. It’s "songs from the year that you were born." So I hope y’all are ready to relive the 80’s.

Tonight Lady Gaga will be performing; yeah we don’t who/what that is either. We ourselves are Gaga for a Lady but we don’t think that has anything to do with this. Go ask your teens they will have to explain it to us. Ok we did a quick Google search on Lady Gaga. Warning be careful if you do an image search. As best we can tell Lady Gaga’s (it’s one person by the way) claim to fame is having slutty pictures taken of herself and posted on the web. We will watch her performance with remote in hand. Also performing will be David Cook – taped a few weeks ago.

Enough of my ramblings it’s show time.

Once again Ryan is in a conservative suit. Going for some of the bank bailout money we guess. Before we start we have to listen to the judge’s talk about last night’s performances. The only thing of note is that Paula appears to be wearing a lavender negligee that is danger of overflowing.

Our campfire sing-a-long tonight is Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing”. Ok we hated this song back in the day at Teen Club on Friday nights, give us some AC/DC, Black Sabbath and Van Halen any day, but that being said this is our favorite group lip-sync sing yet. Ok so that’s not saying a lot but we are trying to be nice here people it is Lent after all.

During the week the Idol Chef made a chocolate layer cake for Scott. Scott informs us it was supposed to be a 3-layer cake but it’s actually a 4-layer cake. How he knows this we aren’t told. Do they make Braille cakes?

Matt, Megan and Kris are brought to center stage and left hanging. Adam, Lil and Allison are placed together in another part of the stage. Then Scott, Anoop and Danny are placed in another group. We are off to a commercial…oh the suspense. If one entire group is safe we are going with the Adam, Lil and Allison group.

We are back with a pre-recorded David Cook performance. Assumed taped. Vague shots of the judges who appear to be wearing different clothes. Lefty guitar player like Hendrix…didn’t remember that about DC. Mundane song. Not awful not great. Your basic pop-rock song. David and Ryan have on matching suits. David is presented with a platinum record.

Ok time for a bit of results. Kris is safe.

Matt is sent to the Metal Martini Stools of Shame (MMSS), wait a minute he’s not. Ryan’s idea of an Aprils Fool’s joke.

Megan is in the bottom three and Sent to the Metal Martini Stools of Shame.

Lil is Safe.

Allison is sent to the MMSS’s. Too many morons with phones in this country.

Adam is safe.

Scott is safe. How in the world is not bottom 3?

Anoop is our last bottom three.

Megan, Allison and Anoop. Ok so I got 2 of the bottom three correct.

Lady Gaga is singing “Poker Face”. Holy Mother of Pearl! We have no idea what that look is supposed to be. She looks like a hooker from Star Trek. And throw in some black dudes dancing like robots and you got a big mess. We wouldn’t even like this if we had some magic mushrooms. This crapola is at the top of the charts? I weep for the youth of America. We’d rather listen to Baby Elmo from last year than this garbage, and we usually like weird music.

Simon says only one of the bottom 3 is worth saving – um Allison Simon?

Ok Allison is sent back to the Couches of Safety. And all is right with the world.

Anoop is sent back to safe land. And Megan is told that she won’t be saved before she sings. Well it was fun while it lasted. Sorry Megan we did our best. We have calluses on our fingers from dialing for you last night. I know all you Megan haters are happy. But guess what? Now we have to listen to at least one more week of boring Scott – thanks a lot people.

Ok kids that’s it. Have a great night.

Adios, God Bless and Goodnight.


Mau said...

JP could not stop laughing at Lady Gaga. I turned to Food Network, just in case. I didn't think I could trust that crazy hussy.

coffee maker said...

now that Adam Lambert has pulled off performing "Play That Funky Music," I'm reasonably sure he can pull off anything