American Idol '09

“As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool returns to his folly.”
Proverbs 26:11

And yet here I am, back for more pain, suffering and punishment on American Idol results night. Enduring 60 minutes of some of the most banal and trite TV out there. Which is saying quite a bit considering the state of network shows. Putting up with all this just to see the final moments of the show when someone gets the boot. Putting myself in misery just to watch someone else’s misery. These are strange times we live in my friends. Strange times indeed.

Here are my bottom 3 after further consideration:

• Scott
• Anoop
• Lil

I’ve got Scott leaving on a jet plane tonight back to Arizona. And then over the next 2 weeks we will get rid of Anoop and Lil. I really think Danny should be in the bottom 3 based on lasts nights’ awful performance but I’m sure the voters aren’t cool enough to see through Danny, yet. If any of the other 5 were to happen to get voted out by America in the next two weeks then the judges will use their save card. They also might save Lil to keep the female and black quotient up.

That would give us a top 5 of:

1. Adam
2. Kris
3. Matt
4. Allison
5. And dare I say it? Danny

Randy has his grandma-ma’s drapes as a shirt on, Kara is looking purplie, Paula thinks its 1940 and she’s wearing long evening gloves or maybe she’s Cinderella getting ready to go to the ball. Simon has a bizarre looking part down the middle of his hair. Ryan Seaweed looks ok though in his pretty-boy way.

Man they must be really hard up for filler tonight. They have pulled Frankie Avalon away from the shuffle board at the nursing home to perform live tonight. Actually he looks alright for a geezer.

Tonight’s group sing-a-long is brought to you by the letter “S”. Silly, Sappy and sorry. Ok as far as these group sings go it’s tolerable. Allison sounded great. Scott kinda danced. By the way they sang Kylie Minogue's "Can't Get You Out of My Head."

A long behind the scenes look at the making of the Ford Music Video and then the actual video. It’s set to Ms Spears’ song “Circus”. Filler city baby.

Finally...

Adam, Kris and Anoop are told to stand up. Adam is safe – how shocking. Kris is safe and Anoop is sent to the Star Trek Martini Stools of Shame (STMSS).

Preview for “17 Again”. Hollywood is so hard up for ideas that they have to do “Big” in reverse?

Flo Rida? Please – must we be subjected to this? Lady Gaga last week and now this clown! I’ll have my hand on the remote just in case and I’m sure FOX’s censors (if they have any) will have their hands on their bleep buttons. He’s ‘singing’ his version of Dead or Alive’s ‘Right Round”. Sampling I think they call it. I can’t understand much of the lyrics, which is probably a good thing since the ones I can understand are pg-13. Couple that with half a dozen sluts dancing around behind him and I think our whole household will have to go to confession tomorrow. Borderline soft-core porn. Short chat with him so he can pimp his tour and new album.

Ah but there is more. Ryan promises us someone named Kelly “Dill” Pickling will be singing. But first........

Danny “I Have an Unlimited Glasses Budget” is safe and so is Matt.

Scott is sent to the STMSS’s. Ryan walks him over to them, awkward.

Our two ladies are left and are told to stand up. Allison is safe and Lil is not.

Did I call the bottom 3 or what? I rule you drool!

Simon says there is one person they would consider using the Save on. Lil? Maybe Anoop? Nah. Don’t think we will find out tonight. Old Scotty is going to be beamed up and out I would guess.

Kelly Pickle Jar is lip syncing some country ditty. Double boring but she has legs for days. The song is almost as long as her gams. She finishes up screeching a verse or two and making a face like she is constipated. And guess what she has a new album out too. Apparently she was on Idol before I started watching it. Maybe she’s a popular country singer but darn if I’ve heard of her before tonight. Is it Pickling or Pickler? I can’t understand what Sea biscuit called her. Ok it was better than Flo Rida – what kind a name for a guy is Flo anyways? Flo is a waitress at a greasy dinner or a hairstylist in a cheap salon, not a rapper.

Back to the results. Seafoam sends Lil back to the couches of safety. And then we break again.

Drum roll please...Scott is gone and will sing for his Idol life. Ok we all know he’s not going to get saved but at least he gets to sing one more time and have a few moments of fame. Good for him he seems like a nice guy. Scott sings, Kara dances, Paula cries and the two guys chat.

Simon claims that 2 judges want him to stay and two want him to leave so they debate some more. Is this serious? Or are they just killing time?

Ryan asks Scott if he ‘watched’ his performance from last night and what he thought about it. Nice job asking the blind dude if he watched video.

Finally Simon tells him he’s not coming back. They give Paula the final word to gush about how inspirational Scott is and some other platitudes. God how did I anger you? How long must your people suffer The Cougar? Where is your sword of justice in our hour of need? When will you smote our enemies?

That’s it for this week folks.

Adios, God Bless and Good Night. Love you all – even The Donk.