American Idol '09

Alright it’s Disco Night!!!

I’ve pulled by white leisure suit and platform shoes out of mouth balls, dusted of my Bee Gee albums and plopped them on the turntable (kids albums and turntable are like antique iPods) and Sam and I have been practicing the Hustle – which is a bit tough when you are 5 months preggers (she is - I’m not). But we are getting pretty good – almost ready for Dancing with the Stars.

I really despise Disco. I was around 12-15 when the disco craze was going on. It’s what drove me to new-wave and punk rock and some classic rock – so disco actually did me a favor. I even bought a “Disco Sucks” shirt (am I allowed to use that word honey when I’m talking about a historical fact?) that lasted about 2 weeks before my mom found it and threw it away.

Even though I hate disco, I must admit that I am looking forward to tonight to see what the Idoletts do with this theme. Will it have to be the 70’s classic disco songs that they are forced to choose from or can they do new disco artists songs? Like Scissor Sisters (actually listenable) or that horrid Lady Gaga.

Who doesn’t want to see Adam do “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” or “YMCA”. Although tonight might be a good time for Adam to pull out one of Queen’s Disco-ish songs. I really want to hear him do a Queen song sometime this season.

It is a shame that Scott isn’t around, I’d love to see him do a humorous take on “Kung Foo Fighting” or “Shake Your Booty”.

We also need to can two people after tonight’s performances since the judges used their much hyped “Judge’s Save”.

I really hope that 2 of the peeps (Lil and Anoop) are total train-wrecks so it’s obvious who should be voted off and then we can have strong Top 5. Actually I figure it will be Lil and almost anyone else - except for Adam - who will get booted.

My Rankings going into tonight

1. Adam
2. Allison
3. Kris
4. Danny
5. Matt
6. Anoop
7. Lil

I figure the bottom 3 will be the same as last week: Matt, Anoop and Lil. Flip a coin to see who stays.

I’m also starting a betting pool on how many minutes Idol goes over tonight. Really people, can’t FOX afford a stop watch? Can we please go back to 3 judges next year? Simon and any other two people will do.

Ryan is still looking very dapper in his suit and tie but he appears to have a fake tan thing going.

Holy Pink Sweaters Batman!!! Look at what Anoop is wearing.

And we are off and running right away (maybe we won’t go over) with Lil Rounds doing “I’m Every Woman” by Chaka Khan. Lil’s hair is looking hot but that skin tight black outfit is not flattering to Lil’s…um…large…well, um…large can. It was very messy (the song nor her rear end). All over the place. Lots of energy but a mess. Randy is not impressed. Kara is looking good tonight and wins the cougar contest over Paula. Paula says something about Lil’s inner-goddess in her Paula-speak language that only she can understand. Simon says she looks sad and then proceeds to trash her and make her look even sadder. Simon thinks she’s done and I must say that I agree. Time to go home to the kids Lil. It was a nice run. And people, please no Simon voting backlash. Don’t go texting Lil’s number just because Simon was dissing her.

Kris Allen is up next and doing “She Works Hard for her Money” by Donna Summer. Um ok whatever. Interesting. Much better than the original to this disco-hater. I like the arrangement with the drums and Kris strumming his guitar. Sweet vocals too. Let’s see what Simon and the Gang of Three have to say. Kara digs it. Paula-speak says something about men shopping in the women’s department. Like me Simon is lost and confused by Paula. Simon loved the performance and so did Randy. Top notch Mr. Allen.

Is the chick on Fringe like the worst actress ever or what? She makes the actors from the newest Star Wars movies look like Oscar winners.

Danny is doing a song I actually like, Earth, Wind and Fire’s “September”. I love this song but not Danny doing it. Dude is wearing a Member’s Only type jacket – earth to Danny that’s an 80’s look. Danny might be the only white-guy who dances worse than I. Blech on the song and the dancing. RanKarula liked it – phooey on them. Of course Paula took 200 words to say that she liked it. Plus she threw in a sexy vocals comment. Stay true to yourself cougar. Simon liked the vocals but thought it lacked Star Power – well said sir.

Allison is doing “Hot Stuff” by Donna Summer. Allison is dressed so horribly that it just might be cool. I can’t decide whether to applaud her outfit choice or puke. She’s either wearing black scuba-suit pants or she spray-painted her legs black. She’s also sporting some Rick James-like stacked heels. Awesome vocals though. Randy calls it a bit self-indulgence – true but it was fun. Kara didn’t like the arrangement either. What in the hell did Paula say? You don’t know either? I think she said "The word compromise does not even exist in your musical vocabulary". Simon loved it (the song not Paula’s comments). Simon is on the mark tonight.

Do we have to see that disturbing “Square Butt” Burger King commercial with that pedophile King dude every stinking week? That’s it, no more Whoppers for me.

Adam is in a black suit with an interesting pointy hairstyle. He’s doing “If I Can’t Have You” by the Bee Gees. Starts off very slowly with beautiful vocals. Now will he get crazy with it or stay calm. He gets a bit over the top with the vocals but still they are awesome. Paula appears to be crying. Because of the song or cause her Coca-Cola cup of booze is empty? Randy Loved it and so did Kara, who channels Paula and rambles in Paula-speak. Speaking of rambling – Here’s Paula! Paula is very close to throwing her undies up on stage. Adam, dude, change your phone number, hotel room and maybe consider moving out of the country. Simon is very confused by Paula once again. Simon calls Adam’s vocals immaculate.

Matt is doing “Staying Alive” by the Bee Gees. Ugh this song choice is not going to make Matt stay alive. I’m not feeling the love. I like Matt’s vocals ok but not the whole overall presentation – the arrangement, the dancing etc...An Matt please lose the hat already. Randy actually agrees with me – whoa. Kara liked the song. Paula pulls out a bowling analogy. Do we think Paula actually bowls? Simon calls it desperate and says he has to get out of ‘Idol-Land’ and needs to grow-up.

Anoop is still going for the Miami Vice look with the pastels and 2-days growth of stubble. Not sure how that fits into the Disco theme of tonight. He’s singing “Dim All the Lights" by Donna Summer. The chorus says to dance the night away. How about sleep the night away. A real snoozer tonight by Anoop. Vocals are ok but man it was boring. At least he was short and we will end on time. Kara liked it. The cougar says something about real men wearing pink and that Anoop has great teeth. Simon calls it mediocre and a horrible version of the song. Simon is on fire!

Ok my off the cuff rankings after tonight.

1. Adam
2. Kris
3. Allison
4. Danny
5. Matt
6. Anoop
7. Lil

Pretty darn close to my pre-show rankings. What say you?

Hey did you hear what Ryan said at the end of the show? Did he really say Baby Elmo was going to be performing tomorrow night? Stick an ice pick in my ears right now please. Y’all might be on your own tomorrow not. I don’t know if I can handle David Archuleta again.