American Idol '09

Since we are in the middle of March Madness, could we please but a shot clock on Paula’s ramblings that are passed off as comments? We are willing to give her 24 seconds.

Could we also ban the judges fighting, talking and petting each other like a bunch of hormonal teenagers in the back of a ’76 Camaro when they are supposed to be listening to the singing and then critiquing it? Are we the only one who finds it rude and self-centered?

The theme is rumored to be "top 100 iTunes downloads." Whatever exactly that means. We would hazard a guess that it means top 100 of all time. For grins we checked the Top 10 Downloads on iTunes as off noon 3/31/09. 7 and 10 are the only ones we’ve heard and the only reason we’ve heard #10 is cause AI has been pimping Ms. Clarkson’s new album.

1. Boom Boom Pow - Black Eyed Peas
2. Poker Face - Lady GaGa
3. Right Round - Flo Rida
4. The Climb - Miley Cyrus
5. Kiss Me Thru the Phone - Soulja Boy Tell 'Em
6. Love Sex Magic - Ciara
7. Gives You Hell - The All-American Rejects
8. I love College - Asher Roth
9. Blame it - Jamie Foxx
10. My Life Would Suck Without You - Kelly Clarkson

If it the Top 100 it’s likely to be pop and hip-hop filled music. So it looks like song choice is going to be more important than usual. So grab a wine-cooler, put on your comfy pj’s and set back and enjoy the singing with us.

The Ryan starts us off by wading thru the Idolettes who are standing as stiff as Stonehenge. Our judges are introduced. Simon shockingly is wearing a black t-shirt; the 2 ladies are sporting dueling cleavage – again. Paula’s hair is looking nice – straight and bangey. Like and Egyptian queen out of the Ten Commandments movie.

Ok so it’s broader than we thought. They can choose any ‘popular’ download. Well that about covers everything. The Idol 9 are seen at Ryan’s Top 40 radio show – subtle plug for the show there Mr. Seacrest.

Anoop is doing Usher’s “Caught Me”. The Anoopster seems to be going for the bad-boy image/look. It’s not working for us. Maybe you ladies out there feel differently about him. Looks like a little kitty cat hissing and showing his claws trying to look tough. Randy likes the vocals but not the song choice. Once again Kara is channeling Paula and contradicts herself. Paula goes way way over the 24 second shot clock and makes no sense at all. We look for a ref to blow a whistle but alas none is to be found. Our only judge that matters, Simon, couldn’t stand it. Anoop’s retort sounds Paula like.

Side note – does this new Osbourne show that is coming on next look painfully bad or what? If this show last longer than 3 weeks than this country deserves to go down the drain.

Megan is doing Bob Marley’s “Turning Your Lights Down Low”. Ok we admit it; we are scared, frightened, petrified, and chilled to the bone. We haven’t been this scared since we were an intern in the Clinton administration. We are not seeing the Marley in Megan. Please prove us wrong Megan. We have been pushing for you harder than an auto-exec pushes for handouts. She is only going to be able to get by on being the only pretty blonde girl left for a short while longer. Once again, other than that unfortunate tatted up arm, Megan looks wonderful – the song not as wonderful. Megan Megan Megan. I love your quirky vocals but the overall performance was just so-so. Maybe she should have done her hair up in dreads and come out puffing on a big fat one. Not that we are not going to vote for the young lass. Kara starts the wrong song choice bit and gets heckled by the crowd. Classic, one of the best Idol moments. Paula – loooonnnnggg again. Simon and Randy really let her have it. We feel bad for Megan and offer her our handkerchief and shoulder.

Danny is doing Rascal Flats’ “What Hurts the Most”. I do not know this song. Modern Country eh? They sing about air-conditioned tractors? Legal whiskey instead of moonshine? What hurts the most are our ears! Kidding folks it’s not that bad. For a slow country song by a singer we don’t like. We do like the fiddle player. There should have been more of her. Sounds like a performance Paula would like. Oh and surprises of surprises she unleashes the Cougar again. Guess she figures it’s been long enough and Danny is ready to date again. Simon loves it too. Randy says something about the mike stand, uh? Kara does her Paula’s twin sister bit again and talks about moving the crowd and goose bumps. So they love it, guess that’s why I work at a software company and not a record company. Either that or they are just in the tank for him until the bitter end.

Allison of the horrible dye job is doing “Don’t Speak” by No Doubt. Allison is playing a bit of guitar tonight. I didn’t know she played guitar. She really could have used some help from wardrobe. Her dress looks like a red and black Christmas tree, kind the Third Reich does Christmas. But her vocals are incredible – 16 years old? Nice. Randy liked her but questions her outfit too!?! And he calls her Dude. Paula tries to act hip and young by calling Allison’s guitar her axe. She’s so silly. Simon hates on her outfit too and says she was playing dress-up.

Scott is doing a Billy Joel song. I despise all Billy Joel songs. Scott’s doing “Just the Way you Are”. And once again the mean people in charge of Scot’s makeup and wardrobe play “let’s mess with the blind dude”. What is with the HAIR and the genuine imitation vinyl leather jacket people? Seriously. Last week it was pink pants and this week it is an 80’s hairstyle that would make John Stamos proud. Scott did Scott tonight. It was nice and about the best we can expect from him. His vocals are only going to be so good. Paula is patronizing about his blindness by acting like she’ not patronizing his blindness. Simon calls it his best showing so far – true but… Randy calls it second best of the night. (we roll our eyes) We are no longer reporting what Kara and Paula have to say, it just doesn’t matter.

Matt is doing the Fray’s “You Found Me”. We like this song alright, Matt too. Let’s go man. Matt and his Members Only jacket are behind a keyboard – what is this 80’s night and no one told us? He’s down in the mosh pit, isn’t that Ryan’s gig. Any how we like the song and Matt’s rendition of it. The judges don’t like it as much. Even Paula “I heart everyone” doesn’t like it. Simon, Randy and Kara don’t like it at all either. A big phooey on you judges. After beating him up a bit Kara shamelessly plugs him by saying he doesn’t deserve to go home. We hate the judges tonight. We are taking our ball and going home.

Lil is doing “I Surrender” by Celine Dion. Whoa she changes her look more than we change our underwear. Plastered down helmet head and hideous blue dress. Once again she shows off her big old voice but we are not Lil fans at all. Sounds like a Vegas lounge act. RanKarula no likey. Simon doesn’t like it either. Seacrest goes in the crowd and talks to Lil’s cute little girls and then puts one of the kids in Randy’s. A shameless ploy by Idol to get America to vote for Lil after a lackluster performance? You be the judge.

Adam is doing “Play that Funky Music (white-boy)” by Wild Cherry. Once again Adam has the slicked back werewolf hairdo going with a bit of vintage 70’s Travolta thrown in. The worst thing about this song is that it causes Paula to stand up and dance in her little red prom dress, thanks for nothing Adam. Good job, not my favorite Adam performance but still the best of the night. Has he won already and everyone else is fighting for second? Um, too soon for that. Paula compares Adam to Steven Tyler and Mick Jagger – a bit overboard there big girl. We need to throw some water on her. Simon and Randy loved it too. Kara says it was like "Studio 57." Too Funny! Yo Kara Dawg nice job trying to act hip. Subtract 3 from that number dear.

Kris is given the sweet pimp spot tonight and is going last. He’s doing “Ain’t no Sunshine” by Bill Withers while sitting at the piano. Lots of pianists on tonight’s show. A very nice solid performance by Kris. Not my favorite of the night but plenty good enough to get him through to next week and propel towards the top 3 and possible even the win. Randy loves it. Kara and Paula are idiots. Simon loves it too. Says it was a great arrangement.

Our quick rankings of the performances. Not how we are actually voting – our phones are reserved for Megan and Megan alone. At least until the batteries die.


1. Adam
2. Kris
3. Allison
4. Matt
5. Danny
6. Anoop
7. Megan
8. Lil
9. Scott