A Non-Catholics Guide to Mass

Written by popular demand – ok one person asked for it but that’s better than nothing.

Ok here’s what you need to know to get through a Mass without standing-out like a vegetarian at a cannibal convention.

First a warning (not to beat a dead donk…but). If you enter the church and find out it’s the priest day off, go ahead and sit down but be prepared to bolt if need be. The Deacon will probably be doing the Baptism or Wedding or Communion Service (similar to a Mass – but very lame). If the Deacon is not there and you see a woman in the 60 year-old or better age-range, wearing a pants-suit or a semi-clergy looking outfit...run! Don’t’ even hesitate and pretend like you are heading to the bathroom, just get up and run from the church, screaming is allowed. This person is either a radical ‘nun’ leftover from the 60’s and 70’s or a ‘priest wannabe’ lay person (regular person not clergy) or both. There are a whole gaggle of older women who hang around certain churches just waiting for the priest to ask them to help out or for the priest to go on vacation so they can get their hands on the keys to the church. For some reason they haven’t figured out that after 2000 years the Catholic Church is not going to change its mind and allow female clergy. Why these women don’t leave and join a church that does allow it is a great mystery to me.

Ok here’s how to get a handle on this Catholic Mass think. I know it can be confusing and us cradle-Catholics tend to forget that not everyone knows what to do at Mass.

Heck I don’t know when to sit, stand or kneel half the time. There is a Catholic parody of The Clash’s “Should I Stay of Should I go” called “Should I Stand of Should I Kneel”. It’s funny cause it hits the truth. When I accidently stand at the wrong time I just grab the seat of my pants and act like I’ve got a wedgie that needs fixing and then sit back down like nothing happened. This wouldn’t be so embarrassing if my Honey didn’t make us sit up front.

The best way to know what to do is to sit towards the back and follow the crowd like a lemming. Of course that means getting there early so you can get a seat in the back…the way Catholics avoid the front of the church, you would think all priests had B.O. or bad breath.

The kneeling parts of Mass are the most solemn and important parts. Some visitors aren’t comfortable with the kneeling. It’s ok to sit during these parts just try and be as quiet as possible. This would be the worst possible time to have to go to the potty or be sick…just ask my Robert aka ‘Puke in Church Boy’.

You can follow along with a lot of the Mass in a booklet called a Missal that should be in the pews. You aren’t excepted to do the parts that require the congregation to respond. But you can if you won’t.

The choir leader will announce the number to each hymn to be sung. Sing if you wish, you might be the only one.

The ‘sign of the peace’ is about the only time you might have to actively participate. The priest will say “let us offer each other a sign of peace”. People will turn to each other; shake hands and say something like “peace be with you” or “peace of Christ”. It’s some touchy-feely commie-pinko thing that was added to the Mass in the late 60’s/early 70’s. It’s annoying but pretty painless. Plus it makes Rachel happy since it’s the only time her 18-old will let her kiss him. If you want you can just fold your arms across your chest and scowl at people, it works for me. The worst is the priest who has to come of the altar and shake everyone’s hand within reach…you’d think they were running for public office.

Kids are welcome at Mass. If they get to loud just take them to the cry-room if there is one or to the back of the church. Some Masses will have a nursery or Sunday school if you want to use those.

If communion is offered just stay in your seat and let others pass by. Don’t get in line and go up. Some churches encourage people not receiving communion to come up anyway with their arms folded across their chests to receive a blessing. While this is fine for little kids, adults look like real dorks doing this. Especially when it’s a lay person not a priest giving out communion.



Don’t call the priest: Mr. or Reverend. If you aren’t comfortable calling him Father than just say hi.

Now if you happen to wander into a charismatic church and want to fit in, here is a primer on how to speak in tongues. Just repeat these two phrases over and over in a fast cadence: “Shot of vodka” and “She came in a Honda” while holding your arms up like you are signaling a touchdown.

Be careful when you leave the parking lot. It can be like a demolition derby out there. What with people rushing to get out as fast as they can to go watch football or go shopping or hit Mickey D’s for another nutritious breakfast.

What I can’t tell you about:

1) The secret handshake
2) The paddle-line initiation to join
3) What days we bring out the rattle-snakes
4) What our church colors are
5) The secret catacombs beneath each church
6) The magic underwear
7) How to get out of Purgatory (actually if you figure that one out let me know)


And if you try to find out any of these things I’ll rap your knuckles with a ruler.

Other than that y'all are welcome to come to Mass anytime you want.