Thursday, February 12, 2009

American Idol Night - '09

This is night 4 of week 2 of Hollywood Week. Yes the math doesn’t work but stretching the week out over 2 weeks and 4 shows makes lots of cents for FOX. Just think of all the ads they can sell for horrific movie previews, fast food restaurants and chewing gun. Seriously people what is with all the gum ads? Do idol-wannabes all have Halitosis?

Here are our illustrious judges; Simon “The only Judge that Matters” Cowell, Paula “I Drink too Much Cough Syrup and that’s why I Love Everyone” Abdul, Randy “I can’t even spell Dawg” Jackson and Kara “I can Display Cleavage Like Paula Too“ DioGuardi

We have many questions to answer tonight:

Will BFF's Jamar Rogers and Danny "#1 Sob Story of the Week" Gokey continue to be co-joined at the hip or will daring surgery be performed live on TV to separate them?

Will Tatiana the Terrible and Nathaniel “Drama Queen and all-around Queen” Marshall finally be given the boot, proving that God actually does watch American Idol and cares about it?

With the show being set in what looks like a Victorian Goth-like Mansion, will Paula dress like a vampire from Twilight?

Will we actually see singing tonight on a show that is supposed to be about singing?

Oh and who will be the final 36 contestants?

So on with the show…all 2 hours of it! Two hours of watching idolettes sit in front of the judges and be told yes or no. Why do we put ourselves through this?

The judges are in large velvety blood red chairs…looks like something my Italian grandmother had back in the old country. Paul’s hair looks great but not sure about the dress. Looks like a blue crepe paper bag. Randy is sporting some paisley from the 80’s but I like.

First up is Anoop Dawg. My man! And he’s in the final 36, duh!

Von “Cool First Name Boring Second Name” Smith. He bores me in general. I’d say he’s borderline. Borderline enough to get through.

Cody “I’d like to remake all 12 of the Friday the 13th movies” is forced to do a sing off. Alex Wamner…… is the second half of the sing off. Alex has the better voice but Cody has the ‘cooler’ look. Alex looks like a homeshool nerd – I should know. And Alex is through and Cody is going home.

Adam “Max Factor” Lambert is up next. He’s getting lots of airtime so he’s got to be going through. He looks real good in that Victorian room. Simon tries the old fake out acting like its bad news. But obviously he’s going through. He looks like a top 10 possibility.

Taylor Vaifuna is with us next. I like her and think she’s in. Randy does the hesitating thing (poorly) and gives her the good news

6 girls in 60 seconds. Jasmine Murray and Arianna and Casey Carson and Stevie Wright and Mishavonna and Megan Corkery are all in.

Joanna “The Ringer” Pacitti. I like her. Nice last name. Pretty girl. Not annoying. Even though she’s not na amateur I’d put her in. They drag it out and then let her in.

T’K Hash, Reggie and Chris somebody are all axed.

Kendall Beard is in and very emotional.

Jen Korbee is forced to sing…which means Kristen McNamara will be singing against her. I vote Jen. Let’s see…the judges babble/fight. Simon seems to want Jen The Very Attractive Blonde Girl. The judges keep dissing Kristen’s clothing choice. Kristen is in. Simon and I both disagree with the choice

Alexis “Two-Tone Hair” Grace is in the hot seat and is in. Idol we know that if you show lots of highlights and personal stuff about the person before they go in, that they are usually going on.

Scott Macintyre is in. He’s the blind, I man visually impaired dude. Like the judges were going to whack a blind guy. They will let America do that.

Lil Rounds, the mother of 3 is up next. I’m digging her. Big voice. First we get the ‘dramatic’ pause and then she’s in the top 36 (that’s no reference to the bra she needs to go buy)

Felecia Barton is given the axe.

Ashley “I’m all Legs” Hollister is also axed.

Devon Baldwin is axed.

Frankie “Goes to Hollywood” Jordon the stay at home mom is up. She’s going upstairs with Jessie Langston. Sing-off? Frankie is very nervous and singing softly. Not great. But not awful. Jessie brings it a lot stronger, more confident. Simon calls it a horrible song. They drag them both back on the carpet. Paula gives the good news to……..Jessie. Simon tells both of them they couldn’t win. Paula and Kara give out hugs.

A few more get canned while I was watching Rambo 2 on another channel.

Big Voiced 16 year-old Allison with the red hair that matches the judge’s chairs is a Final 36.

BFF's Jamar “My Face is Pin Cushion” Rogers and Danny "#1 Sob Story of the Week" Gokey, The Donk and Rob wannabes. Are promised us after the break. We get a long segment of these to best buds. Kinda like Andy and Barney or Starskey and Hutch. I’d like them to both go home cause I’m sick of FOX’s shameless playing up the dead wife angle and the BFF garabage. Even better would be a sing-off between the two. But alas its not to happen. Danny is through. Now Jamar walks the green mile to get to the judges room…..but first another commercial. Time to go watch Rambo snuff out some more commies. Ok I made it back for the verdict. Jamar is gone. The Dynamic Duo is broken up. Jamar is shocked, Ryan is shocked, Danny is shocked, the rest of the contestants are shocked, Obama is shocked and calls for a stimulus package to give Jamar his own show. Got help a brother out.

Ricky, Matt, Jorge, Brent and Ju’not THE BOWIE GUY are all through in about 13 seconds of footage.

Stephen, the dude with the cool hair who forgot the words last time is top 36.

Now we get a tour of the mansion. And a glimpse of Nick/Norman doing is stuff. Please let this guy through. I love him. He’s great material. Of course so are the 2 drama queens but they need to go home. And Norman/Nick is staying around…YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!

We have a half-hour left and Tatiana The Terrible and Nathaniel The Drama Queen are still to go.

Jackie Tohn with the smoke-whiskey cured voice is on the chair. She’s in and is very very excited.

Tatiana the Terrible montage. She sings well but is possibly the most annoying person ever. Seriously. Paula gives a ring. Simon calls it a shameless promotion of her jewelry line. Randy gives her the ‘good’ news. Good for who?

Jackie “Guy not a Gal” Midkiff is singing off against Nathaniel our favorite drama queen. But first we here about his horrible childhood. Ok it was rough, but he still needs to leave. Jackie sings first and does well. Nathaniel sings ok too. If I close my eyes I can listen to Nathaniel. I don’t know who to pick talent-wise. Jackie is obviously non-offensive. The judges decide……on Nathaniel. So both of our DQ’s are still in.

Next up after a break. The Welder and the Oil Rigger square-off. Instead of singing maybe they will have them fight in a cage match. One can hope.

This show is long. I want to go to bed. Rambo just blew-up a village.

Kai Kalama is in. He’s got great hair too. It's all about the hair. Anne Marie and some other people get in too.

And then there were two. Welder and Oil Rigger dudes. We get a look back at how they got here. Both of them are likable and seem like family guys. Hopefully the judges will pull a ‘surprise’ and let both in. Matt does just ok. Next Michael sings. I think he did better. Time to see what the judges think and wrap this puppy up. And duh…….I was right. Yeah me.

That’s all folks.

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