For Men Only

It’s all about the credit

That’s my motto for a happy marriage. So having trouble lately pleasing the misses? Need to get out of the doghouse? Leave the toilet seat up one too many times? Ruin her new silk dress by drying it on high with your jeans? Are you at wits’ end to come up with some new way to make her happy? Then boy do I have a solution for you. Getting credit for doing something nice is the way to go. You don’t even have to actually do anything or even mean it. It’s the offer/thought that counts. And she never has to know if you do it right. Call it the Dire Straights method; “Get your money for nothin get your chicks for free”.

You can even get credit when you know that you won’t have to do anything. For example; you notice that the dinner dishes are done but offer to do them anyway or you know your wife is busy Tuesday night but you ‘pretend to forget’ and you offer to take her out for dinner and dancing knowing full well that she can’t go. And no this is not cheating; it’s only cheating if you get caught. Warning: you can only play this card so many times. She will catch on and call you on it or worse change her plans and take you up on your offer. And if you are a non-dancer like me this is worse than purgatory.

So be careful, this is potent stuff you are playing with. This technique is not for amateurs. Just like the 18 year-olds that go out every New Year’s Eve and think they can drink with the big boys but end up passed out in a shopping cart in the parking lot of a Piggly Wiggly wearing their underwear on their head and with a ‘I’m in love with Boy George’ sign around their necks (I still haven’t forgiven my college buddies), you newlyweds need to tread lightly here.

Lots of times you can get credit and have fun. Last night after dinner I was playing Smear the Queer (link provide for those of you who didn't grow up in cool neighborhoods) with 4 of the boys out in the front yard. Actually it was kinda a hybrid of football and Smear the Queer (hey no comments, I didn't make up the name). Anyway this is something that’s enjoyable for me and makes my wife happy.

Or you could just go ahead and do something nice that your wife likes and get credit that way. Buy her flowers, go for a walk with her, read to the kids at bedtime…all those are things women like and they really aren’t painful for us husbands to do. Don’t worry I won’t think any less of you if you take the easy way out.

The whole point being to keep building up credit in the First National Bank of Marital Bliss. This credit can be used in different ways. One, the bank gets so full of credits that your wife takes it into her own hands to reward you. And I'm guessing it will be better than the standard bank gift of a free toaster or steak knives. Or you may have to withdraw the credits for a rainy day. Like when you come home at 4am from playing poker with the boys, park the car in the neighbor’s front yard and start baying at the moon.

Guys consider this a public service announcement. No need to thank me. No, please, off your knees, I’m not a god. There’s no reason to worship me. But do feel free to send all the money or running shoes you want. But whatever you do don’t tell my wife about this post. I’m pretty sure she hasn’t caught on to me yet.