Neil Diamond Night on American Idol

Neil Diamond is still alive…who knew

He is actually only 67. It sure seems like he should be older. I spent a good part of the 70’s listening to Neil Diamond on 8-track in my dad’s car or at home. Dad also played a bunch John Denver and Olivia Newton-John 8-tracks. But through lots of therapy I’m now pretty much ok. Although on occasion I will have a Tourette's like episode where I burst into a medley of ‘Physical’, ‘Sweet Caroline’ and ‘Thank God I’m a Country Boy’. The kids just throw cold water on me and I’m good as new.

I also accompanied my dad to a few of Mr. Diamond’s concerts when I was a young lad. There is one memory that stands out most from these shows. One no amount of lsd can get rid of. Near the front of the stage were two, how shall I put this, um…upper middle-aged plus-sized women. Each had on a glittery t-shirt. One with the word ‘Neil’ on it the other with the word ‘Diamond’ on it. Ok, pathetic but not horrible. Then the lights went down and the two ladies must have flipped a switch on the back of their shirts, because the words ‘Neil’ and ‘Diamond’ lit up and started blinking. I don’t even want to know where the batteries for the shirts were. Thankfully for my 12 year-old mind, neither woman threw their underwear up on the stage. I don’t think even Sigmund Freud could have helped me recover from that.

Unlike last week when I didn’t know the songs, I’m embarrassed to admit that I know all of these songs. Why couldn’t it be Neil young? Never mind I wouldn’t want these people butchering the real Neil’s songs.

A brief recap of the performances and random thoughts about the performers and judges:

Jason Castro – The prettiest one left. No apparent talent but the tarts down in the mosh-pit aren’t going to let him go this early in the contest. He sang ‘Forever in Blue Jeans’ first. Boring but not painful. He’s wearing blue jeans…might have been more original to sing it in a tux. He’s signing ‘September Morn’ second. He sits on a stool with a guitar and sings to the young girls of America who keep him on the show week after week. Not as bad as the first song but other than tween girls, does anyone like his singing? I’d pick him to get voted off if the chicks didn’t love his pretty eyes so much.

David Cook – smug, arrogant and lousy hair (my 15 year-old son likes his hair) but the only one left who can perform. Now he’s acting like he’s in charge of the show…what a tool. He’s singing two little known songs of Neil’s. But of course I know them. He does a rocking version of ‘I’m Alive’. Not half-bad for what he has to work with. But that means it was only half good. His second song choice is ‘All I Really Need is You’. The mosh-pit girls are doing the wave (see me rolling my eyes). Lame performance. Hideous Jacket and hairdo. Of course the judges like it because he’s one of the ‘Chosen Ones’ (him and the other David). Whatever.

Brooke White aka The Virgin Nanny – Curly or Straight hair…make up your mind already. She’s doing ‘I’m a Believer’ and ‘I am I said’. First ‘I’m a Believer’. Predictable. Interesting pants…looks like a gray mermaid. She could easily be gone next week. Next she is going to sing ‘I am I said’. I don’t think this is a good choice for her. It’s a guy song. Let’s see. Here she goes. Wow not the train wreck I thought it would be. Not great but it’s ok. She may have saved herself for one more week.

David Archuleta – fake, not a sincere bone in his little body. ‘Psycho Stage Dad’ for a father. He’s going to sing ‘Sweet Caroline’ first. He might have a pretty little voice but he doesn’t have the pipes for this. Sounds like he’s singing at a beach party or around the camp fire. Now he’s going to sing ‘Coming to America’. I can’t stand this song. Go ahead and play the patriotic card. Oh the horror. Someone vote this phony off. I think I just threw-up in my mouth. He just proved he can’t sing upbeat songs. Enough of this ballad singing pansy already. Why am I watching this show? It just makes me mean. Oh yeah, I have teenage daughters that’s why I’m watching it. Of course the judges (the borderline pedophile Paula in particular) love it because he’s the other Chosen One.

Syesha – Perky and fun at times. Would make a good Broadway actress or maybe cruise director on the love boat. She’s singing ‘Hello Again’ first. Woah! What happened to the hair? Is that real? Makes her look old…and not in a good way. It appears someone has stolen her shoes. I fell asleep. Is the song over? Rather boring. Next she’s singing ‘Thank the Lord for the Nighttime’. This one’s a little better. More upbeat. Kinda fun. At least I stayed awake this time. My daughters like her dress and want it. She’s pretty but fix the hair. That’s about all the nice things I can think of to say. Simon thinks she might be in trouble tonight.

Ryan Seacrest – fix the hair already. How does this guy make so much money? What a country.

Randy – get some new material. We know everyone is your ‘dawg’ and every singer is ‘pitchy’.

Paula – what’s in that cup? Sober up already. Do you have to dance every song? It’s a long time from your Laker Girl day’s honey. You’re my age. What the heck is she wearing? Oh my! After round 1, Paula thinks Jason has sung twice already?! She needs to go to rehab.

Simon – rude and obnoxious at times but at least he tells it like it is. Quick and to the point. But please get a new shirt and button it up for the love that all is holy.

My bottom two:
Syesha and Brooke
With Syesha going home.
We shall find out tonight.
I can hardly wait.
I’m all a quiver with anticipation.

This show has officially Jumped the Shark.



Ok Donk have fun making fun of me.