American Idol '09

Round 3 of “These Are the Best 36 Singers in America?” The last of the group of 12 contestants performs tonight. After tonight and Thursday’s Wildcard Show we will have our Final 12.

First off let me say that I’m voting for Ju’not (pronounced Juno – yeah I don’t get it either but just go with it) cause he’s from my hometown. Even though his name is funky and even if he sounds like a donkey being neutered with a chainsaw (ok so those are really pluses with me), he’s getting some of my votes. I’ll vote for others too (maybe) but just wanted to say up front that Ju’Not is my boy

The Seacrest starts us off with a spiel about how much the singers have put on hold and given up to be here. Ryan is looking dapper and relaxed. More professional than last week.

Simon is sporting the standard grey shirt and what looks like a new flattop haircut – very 50’s. Randy says “yo, dawg, knocked it out the box, you know, on fire, dude’. Paula says “colors of the rainbow, mumble mumble sing the telephone book, I heart purple unicorns and pink fuzzy bunnies, I like licorice”. Kara tries to sound like the music industry insider she is supposed to be but just sounds clichéd and boring. Come on Kara you can do better than this.

Von Smith is up first. We get a short interview with him. He seems alright. He’s doing a Marvin Gaye tune, “Your All I Need to Get By”. He’s dressed nice other than some red Bozo the Clown sneakers that have to go and he sings ok but all I’m doing is comparing him to Marvin and his voice is a lot weaker. Bad song choice I’m thinking. But low and behold the three headed monster RanKarula are wetting themselves over him. Simon say Von reminds him of Clay Aiken which just makes me hate him out right. Simon keeps playing up the Clay Aiken comparison…just call him gay already Simon, you know you want to. So is he one of the judge’s Chosen Ones? Nah couldn’t be. Maybe he has some pictures of Randy and Simon dancing around together in leopard-print tutu’s.

And commercial time and I’m off to watch a little Happy Gilmore

Taylor Vaifauna, the high school girl, we are reminded again for the 100th time, is singing “If I ain’t got you” by Alicia Keyes. I don’t know this song. Guess I’m not hip, just ask my wife. She’s a very pretty girl but the boots gotta go. What is it with the contestants’ footwear tonight? Anyway she’s a nice singer but forgettable. I won’t remember anything about her by tomorrow. Kara wants to know what it is like to go shopping with Taylor and is cold?!?! Simon mocks Kara – you go Simon. Whoa she makes Ryan look like a dwarf. I know, I should talk.

Back to watch Happy whack some golf balls.

Coke and Idol are having a design a Coca-Cola cup contest…um ok.

Next up is Alex Wagner-Trugman. I hope he doesn’t make it just cause his name is a PITA to type. He’s singing “I Guess That’s Why They Call it the Blues” by Elton John. I hate all Elton John songs. I’m physically incapable of listening to any Elton song. I get a shaky and my bladder goes weak. This is painful to watch. Is he truly bad or is it just that I don’t like him and this song? I think it’s him not me, it has to be. I’m perfect, just ask my wife. Paula says he gave us our money’s worth tonight…well maybe…it is free TV. Simon calls him a little hamster trying to be a tiger. Right on Simon. Randy is lukewarm – personally or about Alex I’m not sure. Kara says “at least you do you”, I now have a confused look on my face. Kinda like a dog starring at ringing telephone and trying to figure out what he is hearing.

Alright, Happy made the pro golf tour.

Arianna Afsar is singing “The Winner Takes it All” by Abba. Ok I can’t stand Abba either but I do like Arianna so I’ll give it a chance. Ok I gave it a chance….I still like Arianna but I hated the song. Hopefully the judges liked it better and can pump it up some. Or not. Simon hates it and says it was like a funeral arrangement. Simon is brutal, honest, but brutal. Randy didn’t dig it either. Kara wants to see the Cute as a Button Arianna. Too gloomy and serious. Paula to the rescue, kinda. Arianna and her cute brown doe-eyes look like they are going to cry. I feel bad for her and I’m borderline heartless, just ask my wife. I need to vote for her few times.

Happy is in a suit at night on the golf course with the sprinklers on.

Ju’Not “My Man” Joyner is up next. He can totally blow donkey lungs and I’ll love him. We get a brief glimpse, to brief for my taste, of how he got here. My Boy is doing Plain-White T’s “Hey There Delilah”. I am so sick of this song but it’s Ju’Not so who cares. He can do no wrong. I do really like Ju’Not’s voice. Now, holding my breath, what will the judges say? Randy loved it! I love Randy, tonight. Kara liked it too! I love Kara, tonight. Paula likey him too, I love Paula, tonight. Simon liked it well enough and gives some advice and says he was probably nervous. Ju’Not mentions something about getting a cortisone shot in butt…don’t worry about that folks, that’s how we roll in my hometown, just ask my wife. So Vote Ju’Not. Early and Often!!!!

We are back and we are on the Red Velvet Hooker Couches. Talking with Nathaniel who is so far out of the closet he’s in the front yard and Kristen the annoying girl whose dress blends in to the couch.

Kristen McNamara is singing “Give me one Reason” by Tracy Chapman. I love this song. She’s actually pretty good. I like her voice. She annoys me but I can live with that. I like her voice. Kara is happy her hair isn’t purple anymore and wants her to dial in the outfit and do a more poppy song. Paula has a gaudy watch on. Simon is trying to figure out who she is. He rips the outfit and song choice but says she does have a good voice. Randy and his ugly vest agree with Simon. Ok so let’s get her a stylist and help her with the song choice and see what happens.

Nathaniel ‘The Ultimate Drama Queen” (queen being the key word) is up next. He is doing “I Would do Anything for Love” by Meatloaf. He looks like a cross-dressed Pat Benatar. I hate this, I mean dislike (it’s Lent) this guy with a passion. I will admit that he has a good voice at times but I can’t look at him, it hurts. Simon is channeling me tonight. He calls it almost excruciating. RanKarula says he’s entertaining. Oh grandma is in the audience, she says she is used to Nathaniel’s music. Paula has on a huge ring. Ryan brings Nathaniel over to the judges table to meet Simon. Nathaniel “The Aerobics Instructor” sits on Paula’s lap and looks like he’d rather be sitting on Ryan’s.

Happy is fighting Bob Barker….classic.

Felicia Barton one the 100 or so stay at home mom’s on the show is up next. She’s the one who got the callback to replace The Ringer, Joanna Pacitti. Felicia is singing “No One” by Alicia Keyes. She’s like a mellow Joan Jett (um Rob, Pat Benatar, Joan Jett?! Man you are old). Ok she’s not terrible but not Top 12. She is very pretty, how did that scruffy hippie looking husband of hers get her. Paula has on big earrings and loves her. Simon liked the first part better than the last. Randy is lusting after her. Someone throw some cold water on Randy. And maybe on Kara too…down girl.

Now we got blind guy being exploited. Scott McIntyre is singing “Mandolin Rain” by Bruce Hornsby. I love me some Bruce Hornsby every now and again. Maybe he’ll get behind the piano, I like him better then. But no, he’s on a stool. Not bad but still not great. Good stage presence, he looks comfortable. Ok someone has to say it: would he have gotten this far if he could see and Idol couldn’t play up his blindness for the sympathy story line? Randy says not perfect but great in parts. Kara pulls out the music cliché book. Paula has on a Gi-normous necklace. Oh no, even Simon appears to have drunk the Scott Kool-Aid too. Simon will be amazed if he doesn’t sail through. The Idol fix is in. We now know who one of The Chosen Ones is. I just hope we get to see him with a piano. He’s very good that way.

Kendall Beard is singing “This one’s for the Girls” by Martina McBride. She’s got a country-pop thing going. I don’t care for country-pop music, ok I hate it. But she’s cute and having fun and has a great accent and I love me some southern accent, just ask my wife. I’ll leave it the judge and RanKarula to say how it was. Kara needs to quite banging on the damn desk. Paula says she has the best outfit out there. Great, thanks for participating Paula. Simon “it’s not my cup of tea”. Once again he is channeling me.

Happy learned to putt…cool.

Jorge Nunez is up next. He’s got a cool name. I like Jorge. Jorge! That’s fun to say. Oh No Another Elton John Song….”Don’t Let the Sun go Down on me”. Ok I’ll be in the bathroom doing the Technicolor-Yawn…I don’t remember eating that. Ok I’m back. How was he? Good I hope. I like Jorge. I just cannot listen to an Ms John song. Paula is all gaga. She wants to squeeze him and who knows what else. She really needs to be canned. Simon the only judge that matters likes him too. Randy likes Dawg. Kara seems to want to sleep with him also. Jorge is starting to cry. Cause he’s so happy he did well or because Kara and Paula both Heart him or both.

Our last performer of the night is Lil Rounds. Mother of 3. Lots of mothers on this year’s show. She is singing “Be Without You” by Mary Jay Blige. She looks like a bumble bee with a big old stinger, not that there is anything wrong with that. Mary Jay Blige is really not my style of music. I know I’m un-cool, just ask my wife. Simon calls it brilliant and says it was his favorite of the night. Randy and his Mickey Mouse watch rave over her. Kara tries to act cool. Like ‘sister’ cool. Kara give the fake hip black girl act a break. It’s patronizing. I missed what Paula said. Is she still standing?

Ok folks that it. I got Jorge Nunez, Lil Rounds and Ju’Not Joyner going through. We need to add some color to the top 12. The paleness of the group is blinding. Speaking of which, I don’t really think Ju’Not is going through. Scott McIntyre is obviously favored by FOX for his storyline, just like Dead Wife Danny..
I’ll re-think this before the results show. Gotta think how tween and teen girls will vote.

Please America don’t vote through Nathanial. Please!

Go with God but go.