American Idol '09

It's live results night.

So what is this twist that S&S referred to at the end of last night’s show? I’d have to guess that one of the two who are being sent home tonight will be the judge’s selection. Or maybe the judges will give themselves veto power over the voting and for the rest of the season they can choose to keep the bottom vote getter if they want to. And send the second to last one home.

I’m going with Jorge and Jasmine getting to go home and not have to suffer the Idol Top 10 tour this summer. With Michael, Megan and Anoop also as possibilities.

On tonight’s show Kanye West and Kelly Clarkson will be performing. West will perform his recent hit song 'Heartless', while Clarkson plans to perform 'My Life Would Suck Without You', from her album that's due out tomorrow. Oh joy. Hopefully “Beaches” or “Steel Magnolias” is on Spike TV tonight so I can switch over, if the teen girls in the house will let me. There may be a wrestling match for the remote tonight.

And it’s show time!

“The next hour will change the lives of these 13 people..........” so intones The Seacrest to start us off tonight.

Ryan is in a dark suit with white shirt looking like an undertaker. Randy is dressed somewhat subdued again with a simple shirt and an assortment of beaded jewlrey. Kara is wearing some accordion looking black jacket. Paula is also in black but showing more cleavage than a Hooters Convention with a bunch of her Home Shopping Network jewelry lost down in there. Simon - yawn – is in black.

Ok here is the deal; the judges get one ‘Save’ to use to keep someone who America votes off. Just one and they can’t use it after we get down to the top 5. If they do use it then the next we 2 contestants will be down sized.

We get a video tour of a swanky mansion where they are all staying. It is over the top fancy; bowling alley, gym, and computers automatically hooked up to Sardonic Catholic Dad. They all love it, well except for Scott who they drop of at a Super 8 as a joke.

Our campy group sing tonight is a Jackson 5 medley – as far as group sings go its not horrible. It looks like it should be on the Brady Bunch, but all these group sings do.

Other filler tonight includes a recap from last night. I still think Paula looked like cross between Janet and Michael Jackson and Cornelius from Planet of the Apes.

Seacrest is interviewing the contestants and for some reason is calling them by their last names?! Which leads into our first infomercial. It is a Ford commercial with the Idolettes singing “We Will Rock You”. My guess is we will be subjected to a different Ford Video each week.

Michael is Safe. Allison is Safe. A quick shot of the judges and Paula is flashing the country. Hopefully the youth of America are in bed. What is this show rated anyway. Ryan has Jasmine come down and stand center stage and leaves her there looking like she’s waiting to go to the chair, Ryan tells Matt that he is safe. Kris and Megan are made to stand and Kris is safe. But Megan is brought down to stand with Jasmine. And…not much of a surprise it’s Jasmine who is gone. I am 1 for 1. If they whack Jorge too then I’m perfect – but y’all already knew that. Ryan mentions that Jasmine’s gone unless the judges want to use their save. Obviously they aren’t going to use it on her nor are they going to use it this early. And Randy confirms it. Why get the poor girls hopes up at all? Ryan is an ass. Then he tries to act human again by consoling the crying girl. I guess we are going to have to hear that question when each person gets the boot.

Kayne West (guess the house fell on his brother Kayne East) is singing some song I’ve never heard. Which isn’t surprising since I’ve never heard a Kayne West song in my life. This is painful to listen to where is Neil Young when you need him most? This sounds like something The Donk would listen to...he’s not known for his taste. Well he does have good taste in workout partners and wives. Thankfully we don’t have to have an interview with him. He’d just diss Radiohead again.

Ok we are back to get some more results. Scott is Safe. Alexis is Safe. Danny is Safe. Anoop is sent to center stage. Adam stands up, please, stop wasting our time. Adam is safe. Jorge and Lil are told to rise. Lil is safe. Jorge joins Anoop at center stage. Shot of the judges. Simon looks painfully bored. After the break one of them is heading on home (contestants not judges). Apparently Idol hates people of color tonight. Just another example of The Man putting the little guy down. Also after the break Kelly Clarkson is singing.

We get about 5 minutes of trite talk between Kelly and Ryan. Kelly is singing her new sucky suck song. Doesn’t the American Idol Wardrobe and Makeup Department own a hairbrush? Kelly looks like she has been sleeping on the streets over top of a steam grate for the last few weeks. Her backup band has about 34 guitarists in it. The song is actually called “My Life Would Suck Without You”. My life would suck with this song. I really do not like pop music. Which begs the obvious question, why do I watch it? 5 teenagers. Now that’s not to say that Ms Clarkson doesn’t have good pipes, cause she can sing. Just not my cup of coffee.

This is it. 33 million votes came in last night Ryan tells us and...Anoop is safe. Jorge is singing and Paula, God help us all, is dancing and the girls are in grave danger of falling on the judges table. No woman of 46 should be showing that much skin. It is really embarrassing and also nauseating. Grow up and lay off the hooch girlfriend.

Simon bluntly passes on using the judges one Save on Jorge. And as is often the case (just ask my wife) I’m a genius and predicted tonight’s 2 victims correctly.


Adios, God Bless and Good Night