American Idol '09

I apologize in advance for all the country music fans who I may insult tonight. It’s not personal. I do not like country music, not at all (well except for Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson). I dislike country music more than I dislike The Donk - seriously. Not that you can ever have too many songs about a tractor or a barn or Ellie Mae or square dancing or a county fair. Or better yet, a song about a guy driving his tractor out of his barn to go pick up Ellie Mae and take her to the square dance at the county fair.

Tonight is Grand Ole Opry (GOO for short) night and Randy Travis is going to be the first guest mentor of the season. You could put Randy Jackson, Randy Moss and Randy Travis in a police line-up and I wouldn’t be able to pick out who Mr. Travis is. Carrie Underwood and some dude named Brad Paisley will be performing on tonight’s show..The performers themselves will be choosing from an extensive collection of songs. Out of the 11 songs selected by the contestants I’m guessing I’ll know 3 of them.

In other Idol news. An insider has leaked who the producers and judges have decided will be the final four contestants. What you really thought it was all decided by you the viewer? The Chosen Ones are Danny Gokey, Lil Rounds, Adam Lambert and Alexis Grace. Not really much of a surprise, except for maybe Alexis – although Kara has been pimping her hard. Anyway just keep an eye on the judges and see if they pump up those 4 and beat up on the others more than the actual performances justify.

100,000 to 1! That’s the odds The Banker Seacrest tells it took for the 11 to get here. Ryan looks like he’s dressed for an interview at AIG – gotta get some of that bonus money Once again we get the big announcer voice introducing the judges and Ryan.

Paula has on a very long dress that is Carmen Miranda-ish without the fruit basket on the head. She probably could have used some of that dress length to cover up the girls. Her shoes are about to fall out. Simon is underdressed even for Simon. Kara is very silver-grey and shinny, her hair is looking really nice tonight. Randy is dressed like a cowboy. 10 gallon hat, fringe shirt, sheriff badge, leather chaps and pointy-toed boots. Looks like a black Roy Rodgers.

We get a bit of a history lesson on the GOO and meet Randy Travis.

Michael Sarver is up first. He is one who I think could benefit from country music. It might keep him around another night. He’s doing a song with lots of words…oh my. What is this, country rap? Ok that may have been good, I have no idea. I did dig the guy blowing harp. RanKara is only so-so impressed. Paula tells us it was a Garth Brooks song. Garth Brooks, Mel Brooks, Brooks Brothers….its all the same to me. Simon and Michael get in a cat fight. Simon gives it a 1.2 on a scale of 10. Ok it wasn’t that bad. That Limey Simon has to know less about country music than I do.

Allison Iraheta is singing a song by someone named Patty Lovelace or Loveless or Lovey. Once again I have zero idea if this is any good. But I really like Allison’s voice. This is going to have to be a vote for you favorite night. Unless someone is obviously horrible I have no opinion. The crowd loves her. Why is Kara so trite? She’s supposed to know the music industry isn’t she? Paula and the girls love her. Randy says it was dope. Can you say that on a family show? I may need some to get me through the rest of this show.

Kris Allen is up next and he’s doing a Darth Brooks song also. Where is his guitar? You’d think he’d have it, after all he used on a Michael Jackson song last week when it wasn’t appropriate, so why not on a country song? Maybe because it’s a very boring ballad? But Kris has good vocals so he should be safe.The Cougar likey. Simon looks pained while she is talking. Simon calls it terrific and lots of other praise is heaped on…interesting. RanKara likes too.

Lil Rounds is up next and doing a Martina McBride or maybe it’s Martina Navratilova or Marina Hingis. I guess we will know if she comes out in a tennis outfit. Lil is wearing a hideous red dress but has some nice gams going and a caboose with it's own zip code. Lil admits she doesn’t really know much country, I’m finally liking Lil a bit. Once again she does her predictable solid vocal performance. Which is the problem I have with Lil. Too polished and robot like with the vocals. Randy is so-so on it and says he is just trying to keep it real. Kara equivocates back and forth, Paula loves her vocals, hair, makeup clothes etc...no mention of Lil’s jewelery. She must not be wearing anything from Paula’s collection. Simon gets sidetracked on what Lil is short for and then says she should have chosen a different song.

After a break we get Vampire Boy. Ok this is what I’ve been waiting for. Well him an Anoop. They seem like the least suited for country. I hope this is fun.

Adam Lambert is dressed over the top as usual. Well not over the top for Adam. He’s doing Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire”. Finally a song of heard of and likes. Randy Travis doesn’t quite know what to make of Adam. Adam is doing it in a Middle East Hindu style. Oh and he’s added some teal streaks to his black hair. It's all about the hair. Country music fans everywhere are throwing their Budweiser bottles at the TV’s in their double-wides. This is totally over the top and self indulgence but love it.. He’s like some Hindu Jim Morrison. Adam knows he’s good and probably figured what the hell I’ll do it however I want, not like he is getting voted off anytime soon. Kara is flummoxed. Paula just rambled for minutes and I have no idea what she said. Simon tells him to stay out of Nashville and calls it indulgent rubbish. Randy (Jackson) loves it. Calls it Nine Inch Nails meets country music. Good enough description for me.

Cool preview for the new Wolverine movie.

Seacrest is down in the teen-girl mosh-pit again. His probation must be over.

Scott McIntyre is singing another song by that Martina McBride chick. Scott and his so-so singing bore the heck out of me. Finally at the end the song picks up but his voice just isn’t great. But he does look real comfortable behind a piano. Paula calls it lovely but his piano is a bit of a crutch. Simon says it was a stupid thing to say. Paula takes offense and calls Scott a brilliant pianist (be careful how you pronounce that Paula). Simon and Paula continue the cat fight. I think they need to be separated. Randy and Kara want him to show them more. More what I’m not sure. Full Monty more? I actually find myself agreeing with most of what the judges say. Must be something I ate.

Before the break Ryan tells us Alexis Grace is up next and that some people say she looks like Dolly Parton. Yeah from the neck up...Dolly Parton without dirigibles.

We are back and yes, Alexis is doing a Dolly song. One I’ve actually heard. She’s wearing a pretty black dress and my 12 year-old comments that she might look like Dolly in the face but not in the body. Randy is giving it the pitch problem card. Kara says she has lost her edge. Yeah Kara we know – you want her naughty. You repeat it every performance. Quite trying to tart the girl up already. Paula likes it. Simon likes it ok. And I really don’t’ care.

Danny Gokey is up next. He’s doing a Carrie Underwear song. FOX has wisely stopped pimping his dead wife. It was getting really freaking annoying. Holy Cow!!!!! I take that right back. He’s singing a song about a wife who dies or almost dies in a car of something. Wait she doesn’t die, Jesus saves her. He’s playing the Jesus card already! I may puke. Also his performance may make me puke too. He cannot leave fast enough for me. Alas he’s one of the chosen ones and will be here for a long time. The judges seem to like it but Paula and her lopsided cleavage is distracting me. Could she only afford a boob job on the left one? I would think she makes a good salary from idol. Plus residuals from her hit song in the 80’s. she did have a hit song didn’t she?

Hey look a Maybelline commercial with Adam.

Ok back from the break and Anoop is up. He’s the other one I’ve been waiting for. He looks as much like a country singer as Paula looks like a nun. He’s doing a Willie Nelson song that I’ve heard of. Sounds a lot better than I thought it would. Paula is all choked up. And she Hearts Anoop. Simon loves it too. Randy plays the Dope comment again. Kara loves it too. Anoop appears to have kept himself around for awhile.

Megan my non-dancing friend is up next. She is one of my favorites but also one I think will leave sooner rather than later. At least in country music you don’t have to dance. You can just stomp your boots like you are trying to squish roaches. She’s doing a Patsy Cline song. I’ve heard the name. So do I get points for that? Megan looks fabulous and has great hair. Remember folks it’s always about the hair. She’s still doing a bit of the twisty dance thing. But not nearly as much this time. Only like a minor epileptic fit. Randy likes it and asks if she’s been ill. Kara and Paula gush about her being so brave for singing with the flu. Simon says she should get the flu every night cause it was good.

Our last contestant is Matt Giruad. And he’s singing a Carrie Underwood song too. Don’t know this one either, sorry. Paula is sniffing Simon’s forearm. Why? We don’t know. Maybe Simon put some pheromones on. Not that you need them with Cougar. Now Paula is standing up dancing and waving. While all this was going on Matt was playing the piano and singing some song. Kara loves it and says "there's nothing small about you, that's for sure". Which causes parents across America to reach for the remote. Paula is too intoxicated to pronounce authenticity. Well to be fair that is a tough word to pronounce, kinda like nuclear. Simon calls it one of the best of the night.

Ok what happened to our guest performers? Carrie and Brad someone or other. What? That’s tomorrow night? Well now you tell me

Well I knew 3 songs tonight...about what I thought.

I’m going with Michael Sarver getting booted tomorrow night. Unless of course all the Rednecks across America are actually sober enough this time of night to dial a phone. Just kidding fellows. Don’t go running your 4x4’s all over my front yard and shooting up my house and leaving your empty Pabst bottles on my porch, leave full ones please.

Adios, God Bless, good night and Hee Yaw