Friday, March 27, 2009

American Idol '09

Results Night

Where’s the Beef? Will there be any meat on tonight’s show or will it have more filler than cheap sausage?

After last night’s Lost Potential Motown show we need some kind of upper. A musical crystal meth. We were very disappointed with the show last night. From the lackluster performance to Simon and Paula’s stupid behavior with the crayons to Idol dressing a blind guy in a hideous outfit.

We really expected a lot more from last night’s show. Maybe the contestants were hampered by a short list of songs they could choose from or maybe they choose the wrong song for them or maybe there just aren’t that many great singers this year. Whatever the cause we haven’t been this disappointed since The A-Team was cancelled. It wasn’t a total loss though. We enjoyed Kris, Matt, Anoop and Allison plenty enough and we thought that Adam gave one of the best performances Idol has seen in ages.

After last night’s show our initial assessment of the damage was that Scott, Michael and Megan Joy were in bigger trouble than an AIG executive at an inner-city homeless shelter. After a fitful night’s sleep, filled with disturbing nightmare’s of a tutu-clad, mustached Paula chasing us through a Candyland-esq setting, wielding a Crayola crayon in each hand like a dagger, (we are pretty sure one crayon was Burnt Sienna and the other Wild Watermelon - we don’t know what the significance of the colors is but will be sure to ask our therapist at our next appointment) we stand by our predictions and feel that it’s sayonara for one of those three.

Using our stunning analytical ability we have deduced that Michael is going home tonight, Megan Joy next week and Scott the week after that. There we have just saved you from having to watch the results shows for a few more weeks. Really is there any reason to watch them? Baring some dramatic turn of events in next week’s show, those 3 have to be the next ones on the chopping block. We still say that with her quirky voice, Megan could cut a good album in a recording studio.

Of course there is plenty to look forward to tonight; the return of former Idol winner and buffet-buster Ruben Studdard, Smokey Robinson and Joss Stone singing together, the pre-recorded lip-synced group-sing, the Ford Idol sing a long video. The part we most want to see is Stevie Wonder doing a medley of Motown hits – show the kids how to do it Stevie.

Dapper Dan Seacrest is looking very good in his suit. Randy is dressed like a California surfer-dude tonight. Ms. Abdul has on a low-cut silver Return of the Jedi top but we are liking her hair. We never ever thought that any judge (short of Pee Wee Herman) could annoy us more than Paula and her Magic Cup of Happy Medicine but Kara has done the seemingly impossible. Sure she looks great but her shrill and vapid critiques make us want to stick the chopsticks from the mushu pork we had for dinner into our ears.

Medley of Motown hits for the group sing tonight. So since they record it ahead of time and have the kids lip-sync, does that mean that it would be even more painful if it was done live? Ok so maybe pre-recording it is a good idea. At the risk of sounding totally shallow, if they do actually get rid of Megan tonight, the prettiest one left with be Adam.

The Idol Ford video is “Pocketful of Sunshine” which happens to be my 3 year olds favorite song. It is very very short. Weird. Maybe that was all Ford could afford since their cars sell less than Paula’s QVC jewelry line sells genuine imitation cubic zirconia unicorn pendent necklaces.

Ruben Studdard sings a new song from some CD that is coming out this spring. I’m sure the 100’s that buy it will enjoy it. Man those lights must be hot tonight. He’s sweating like the proverbial whore in church.

Ryan tells us he’s going to pull out the bottom 3 from the group. Adam is safe. But in a major (seriously major) surprise Matt is in the bottom 3. Whoa did not see that coming. America you are a bunch of morons. Onward, Kris is safe, Lil is safe but Michael is sent over to the Martini Glass Stools of Shame.

We are back with the lovely Joss Stone singing “You are the one for me” with The Smokester. Pay attention Megan, this is how a quirky famous girl does it. The song and singing is great but there is a major gross factor with a 69 year old man singing a love ballad with a 21 year old girl. Just a tad uncomfortable.

Back to the victims. Allison is safe. Anoop is safe. Danny is safe. So we are down to Scott and Megan. It could go either way just like – oh never mind. The last one sent to the Stools of Shame is Scott!!!! Yes!!!!! Megan is Safe! Megan is Safe! We take it all back, America we love you.

Ok The Ryan is sending someone back from the Stools of Shame to the Couches of Fame. It’s got to be Matt doesn’t it? But no he sends Scott back. So this makes no sense….unless…Matt is going home?! We are confused. Michael is the obvious of the two to go home. He is horrendous. Is this some kind of reverse psychology thing? I guess it doesn’t matter too much. If Matt in some Bizzaro World way were to get sent home the judges would use their save on him for sure.

And here we have the legend Stevie Wonder doing a medley of his hits. You watching this Smokey? An older man doesn’t have to have his face pinned back so that it’s tighter than a snare drum. Maybe we would all be better off blind or at least without mirrors. Vanity of vanities..Stevie may want to get rid of the balding dreadlock look. Just cut the hair bro. Paula is dancing her little heart out, almost literally dancing it right out of her shirt. They should have just aired a 55 minute Stevie Wonder concert and kicked someone off during the last 5 minutes. Now that would have been a great results show. The only downer is that Scott didn’t join him for a duet of “Ebony and Ivory”, that and the shameless shout out to the Borg Leader (resistance is futile).

Finally we are getting down to it. Michael is going home. Sure he’s going to sing for his life but it ain’t happening Big Mike. Time to head home to the wife and kids and the oil fields. At least you should still have a job since we really need more oil workers. Stupid gas prices are rising again. And if got that very exciting Idol Top 10 Tour to look forward to.

The judges are bantering the idea of keeping him back and forth. Enough already! We all know you aren’t keeping him guys. Just cut him loose already. And finally they end it and he can home.

One of the better results shows they’ve had. Thank you Smokey, Joss and Stevie.


Sam said...

What is with the "we"? I hope no one think's I think what you think???


momto5minnies said...

I don't get the Megan thing ... she's quirky, pretty, and original, but it a very odd, odd way. I don't think she is nearly as good as anyone left. I will have to fast forward through Scott next week ... he's like the Sanjaya of this group. Not sure why people vote for him.

It was still an entertaining show. Joss and Smokey were pretty good!

Rob said...

Honey Buns – the ‘We’ is just me. It’s the Royal We that Kings and Queens use when talking…very appropriate I think

M25M - I think part of the Megan appeal is there is a lack of females this year. Only 3 left. Lil is boring and an overrated one-trick pony. Allison is also a bit of a one-trick rocker-chic pony too and she’s kinda of a social-retard. Of course she’s only 16. I hope she sticks around for awhile longer cause I like her strong voice.

Sure Megan was pretty bad the other night. But in a recording studio where you could do takes over again when she starts to sing out of tune, she could but out a decent record because her voice is a bit different. Not that I think it will happen. I think Idol will keep her around a bit longer because Idol likes to have a pretty blonde or two every year.

I got to think Scott will be gone in a week or two – I hope.

Last night was one of the few results shows I could tolerate. Thanks Smokey, Joss and Stevie.

coffee said...

Simon and Paula should stop attracting so much attention to themselves over the contestants, seriously