American Idol '09

Top 13 - Week 1

Ok we are entering the weeks of American Idol that I can actually tolerate and sometimes even like. There are no bad singers at this point in the season, they can all sing. Some better than others. But they all sound a lot better than I do when I’m singing in the shower – although I look a lot better, just ask my wife. Some like Adam, Lil, Allison and Kris have really good voices but it remains to be seen how they connect with and win over the audience, in particular the all important tween and teen estrogen vote.

What theme will we have tonight? Songs from Brady Bunch? Hall and Oates night? Maybe some N.W.A.? Um, Rob they have already announced that they are doing MJ songs this week! Really? Cool, I didn’t know Michael Jordon could sing too, I just thought he could dunk. Not that MJ you moron. The MJ that used to be black and male. Jackson not Jordan. Oh well that’s a horse of a different color - literally. I didn’t think Michael Jackson would allow his songs to be used like that. He must need the money now that he has lost Never Land Ranch. Probably lost his pet llama and monkey too.

Ok so this could be entertaining and enlightening. MJ’s songs are tough to sing cause he did them so well and is so well known. It will be hard to listen to them tonight without comparing them to Michael. It should also be fun since he has a ton of good songs to choose from.

Ok enough babbling from me. Let’s do this thing.

Ryan is sporting a nice suit and tie tonight. This must be important. Suits are only for weddings and funerals. Which come to think of it are pretty much the same thing – either way the guy is a goner.

The judges are introduced by an announcer dude and come strutting in. Simon is wearing one of his 100 black shirts, Paula and Kara have competing tops to try and show who has the biggest chest (Paula has more skin showing so I guess she ‘wins’) and Randy is dressed a bit reserved for him – looking pretty good tonight Mr. Jackson. Paula is wearing more makeup than Vampire Adam. She actually looks like a cross between Janet and Michael Jackson. When she speaks her mouth hardly opens. Too much Botox I guess.

And here are our 13, looking dressed and made up. We learn from Simon that 2 will be given the heave-ho tomorrow.

We get a bit of a MJ Montage, just in case we don’t know who he is.

First up is Lil Rounds of Memphis. A little video recap of her husband, 3 kids and tough life. Which looks tough indeed. She is doing “The Way You Make Me Feel”. Lil can definitely bring the R&B. What remains to be seen is if she can sing any other style or if not, will America get sick of the same old same old from her. Randy loves her, Kara says everyone else should be worried and is going a little over the top with her praise of Lil. Kara could you give something a little more technical than just gushing? We already know that she is the judges pet. Paula says something about her colors and makeup…I really don’t know what she means most of the time.

Time to switch over to Oceans 11 on TNT.

Number two tonight is Scott MacIntyre. He’s singing “Keep the Faith” and is wisely behind the piano tonight. He does much better with a piano. I still think he has one off the weakest voices of the group and would never have made the Top 13 if he wasn’t blind. I’m not saying, I’m just saying. But he does seem like a swell guy. Kara gushes (she is a real gusher tonight, maybe the oil rigger dude can cap her) about his ‘hopeful message’. I think she has been sitting next to Paula for too long. Paula makes a reference to his having his finger-tips on his instrument and the FOX censors have a near heart attack and reach for their bleep buttons. Paula points to the lady who wrote the song sitting in the audience and then Simon says he hates the song, nice one. Simon and Randy are not as enamored and call it a safe choice. Well said gents.

Ok let’s see what Pitt and Clooney are doing.

We are back with Danny Gokey and a video of his family back in WI. I ‘m really starting to hate him. I know, not very objective. He’s doing “PYT”. It starts off painfully boring but he does pick it up and rock it. But he looks like a geeky white-boy trying to dance around the stage like MJ, like a high school talent show. He’s vocals are good though (there I can be nice if I have to). Paula says he’s going to go to the Finals?! Paula is obviously intoxicated. Simon loves the vocals (of course he does, Danny is one of the chosen ones. Paula has already let the cat out of the proverbial bag) but hates the dancing…thank you Simon for that at least. Randy liked the dancing!!! A brother should really know better. Kara, well I missed what Kara said because I was laughing so hard at what Randy said.

Michael Sarver’s video shows him at the oil field and at home. Oh it appears that Michael has had a tough life too, that makes us 4 for 4. Is there anyone in America who can sing and doesn’t have a tough life? He is doing “You are not Alone”. Boring, forgettable and first to be voted off the island is what comes to mind. Simon tells him he’s not the best singer but likes his passion and heart – I didn’t see that coming. Randy calls him one of the best so far. Kara says tonight showed her that he really can sing. Paula refrains from going Cougar on him, maybe because his wife and kid are sitting there in the front row.

After some more Ocean’s 11 we are back with Jasmine Murray, who is 17 now, no longer 16. Ok then. She is all dolled up tonight looking a little too old. She’s from Mississippi and the baby of the family. She’s a sweet and pretty girl. I hope she does well tonight. She’s singing “I’ll be There”. I really like this song but it seems like a safe choice. She does a serviceable job but fails to knock my socks off. Let’s see what the judges have to say, since we know she is one of their favorites already. Randy name drops Mariah Carey and then goes on to say it was pretty good. Kara actually gives some decent music industry advice, what we have been hoping for all along out of her. Paula and Simon also like it ok. Not really overwhelmed but pretty good. So they basically all agree with The Rob.

Julia Roberts looks stunning in her art gallery.

And we are back with Kris Allen who is from Conway Arkansas and has a very cute wife. He and his guitar sing “Remembering the Time”. He’s busted out the acoustic guitar tonight, I would have gone electric. Just for the coolness factor. I really don’t remember Kris at all but he’s pretty good with a somewhat boring song. Kara says the girls love him…down girl, he’s already hitched. Paula asks Simon to keep his hands off of her. What now she’s chaste? Never mind she just went full throttle Cougar on him and that was with his wife in the audience. Simon likes it ok but says it’s not a guitar song. He also says that Kris should have hidden his wife for a few weeks. Too funny Simon!!! Kris’s wife looks confused. That’s ok we’ll explain it to you later.

Allison Iraheta is shown back home in Puerto Rico. She doesn’t seem quite as awkward in this interview. She’s doing “Give Into Me”. Man she has a strong powerful voice! Are we sure she is only 16? Maybe they start smoking and drinking at a young age down in PR cause she’s got that kinda bluesy voice. Way more of a rock voice than a pop voice. Paula also says she doesn’t have a 16 year old voice. Man Paula and I are on the same channel. Simon wants her to lighten up. Randy loves her. Kara calls her a Rocker Girl, not very deep but accurate I’d say.

Bernice Mac is on Ocean’s now. We miss ya bro, RIP.

We are back with Anoop. Anoop is from Chapel Hill. I hate the Tar Heels almost as much as Duke. He is doing “Beat It”. Man I don’t know about this. I really thought Adam would try and pull this song off, maybe he will too. Not too bad and he dances better than Danny. So Indian dudes dance better than white dudes. I like that he changed it around a bit but it’s pretty plain. Simon and Paula fight over who should go first. Paula calls it Karaoke and an untouchable song that no one should do. Maybe they should have told that to Anoop before the show! But she does Heart Anoop. Simon calls it "horrible", “lightweight", "stupid" and "karaoke." Randy and Kara are not down with it either.

Jorge Nunez, like Allison is from Puerto Rico too. Jorge’s family looks as big as mine. He’s doing “Never Can Say Goodbye”. Jorge is looking casually cool in his t-shirt and jacket. His accent is less noticeable when singing. Randy says wrong song choice. Kara is not digging it either. Paula sheds ostrich feathers from her dress. Simon calls it corny and he couldn’t what for it to end. Ouch.

Megan Corkrey, she of the Washing Machine/Hula Girl on the Dashboard dance is up next. I really like Megan, I don’t think she will go far but I dig her. Megan is from Utah and recently divorced with a cute little boy named Ryder. It seems Megan gave birth on the side of the road when her moving van broke down and she named her child after it. She is wearing a bright red dress made of a very little amount of material. She is doing ‘Rockin’ Robin”. Man I think I dance better than this chick. The song is kinda campy but fun. This song fits her. Love her personality. Kara says she likes her but she needs to show more range. Paula tries not to lose her dress top. Simon calls it a stupid song and likes nothing about it. Randy’s not into it either. Oh come on guys, have a little fun. Simon asks the Hell’s Kitchen Chef, who is in the audience, what he thinks. The Chef throws a grapefruit spoon at Simon.

And here is Adam Lambert looking not quite as gothy but still cool. He’s doing “Black and White”. He has a great voice and stage presence, better than anyone else by far. The girls, and some guys, are going nuts. He’s toned himself down a bit and is staying fairly low-key. Oh wait, never mind, scratch that, he is bringing it now. The judges might call him theatrical but I don’t think so. Paula is going way over the top and needs a bucket of cold water thrown on her. She has lost it completely. Simon says he is in a league of his own. Randy calls him ‘current’ and ‘right now’ and says he could make a record now and sell millions. Kara says “You hit notes that I didn't know existed.”

Seacrest is standing in a sea of young girls in the crowd looking like a dwarf pedophile. I was told recently that midget is politically incorrect so I’m testing out dwarf tonight.

Matt Giraud is at the piano doing “Human Nature“. It’s pretty rocking for a guy at a piano but it’s not for me. He can sing though. Randy calls it pitchy (well maybe I was wrong about him being able to ding) but says he has that Justin Timberlake thing going on. Paula babbles too fast for me to understand. Simon calls it solid. And that’s it. They must be running out of time and need to sell a few more ads.

Alexis Grace will be our final contestant of the night. She is from Memphis like Lil. She also has a cute kid. Alexis with be singing “Dirty Diana”. She’s dressed like a sultry cabaret singer. I hope her little girl isn’t watching mommy. It’s a very bluesy-rocking version. Kara calls her a naughty girl and says she likes it. Paula nods. Simon says it was good but not as good as she probably thinks.

Apparently Alexis has a different voting number than everyone else. Hers ends in 36. The others all have 1-800-IDOLS-01 thru IDOLS-12. It seems that the number that ends in 13 is owned by a...how shall we say this? A company that charges men $3.99 a minute to discuss, um, current events with young ladies. Nice job Idol. You might want to have researched that a bit before you made the show a Top 13 instead of a Top 12.

Ryan and Simon promise us a change in the rules tomorrow night, whatever.

Adios, God Bless and Good Night