American Idol Night

Will it be Boy Band David or Rock Lite David…

Finally this thing is almost over. This is my first (and hopefully last) year to watch this show. I almost want David A to win just so he doesn’t have to go back home with his scary dad and get locked back in a closet.

And we are off. And just when you think the show can’t get any gayer…the Rocky theme plays…they come out in ‘boxing’ robes but look like they should be in a bath-house in San Francisco.

Randy and Simon are both wearing sport coats and Paula is very sparkly – must be an important night.

David squared will be singing 3 songs each.

We continue with the stupid boxing theme. Hopefully they actually start singing soon.

Clive Davis will be choosing the songs for round 1

DC is up first and is singing ‘I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For’ by Bono and the boys. Bono has such an awesome voice that this doesn’t really seem fair to David. Let’s see how he does. He does ok, really, but I can’t help but compare it to the original and it’s nothing compared to that. Plus it’s a long song to do in 90 seconds.

Randy says it was hot. Paula gushes and preaches. Simon thought it was phenomenal. Guess I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about.

Baby Elmo is up and is singing ‘Don’t Let the Sun go Down on me’ by Elton John – speaking of bath houses. David’s sitting on the stairs on the stage trying to look sincere or vulnerable or sexy but he looks constipated or maybe that’s me that he is making constipated. But he does is usual sappy ballad good job on it. I’m sure the judges will love this treacle and Paula will want to molest him.

Randy calls it molten hot and it had crazy vocals. Paula goes on and on in her babbling way. Simon says it’s the best he has done so far. He says Round 1 to Baby-E.

Round 2 the songs are picked by the contestant from a song writing contest.

DC is singing ‘Dream Big’ and comes out with guitar doing the pop-rocker thing. I actually like this better than the first song. He’s sounds really good.

Randy and Paula like it and Simon says it was lightweight.

I just realized that the results show tomorrow night is 2 hours long - heaven help us all.

For his second song Tickle Me Elmo is singing ‘In This Moment’. What a shock he picked one of those sappy ballads that he excels at. I’ll hate but I’m sure the judges will want to eat him up. Randy and Simon Figuratively, Paula literally. He has a good voice but man I can’t stand him or this crappy song.

Randy’s not crazy about the song but loves his singing and pulls out the ‘you could sing the phone-book analogy’ again. I’d like to see a contestant bring a phone-book out and actually sing it. Paula loves him. Simon pimps him again and gives him round 2 also. So we now know which David is the Chosen One.

Round 3 they are picking whatever they want

The bigger of the two David’s is signing ‘The World I Know’ by Collective Soul. I like this song. Let’s see what he does with it. Good job but not great. I like it but that probably means that other people won’t. I think he has just given away this contest to the insufferable Baby Elmo.

Randy likes it. Paula says he is ‘standing in his truth’. I have no freaking idea what she is talking about. Simon says he’s a nice guy but it’s the wrong song choice. That he should have done ‘Billy Jean’ again. David responds with, why should he do a song that he has already done…a shot at Baby Elmo perhaps who will be doing ‘Imagine’ again?

For his third song he’s going back to his ‘Imagine’ song that got him such rave reviews the first time around. Lennon is rolling around in his grave. Imagine little Archie singing an anti-government anarchist song (something he knows nothing about) on the most commercialized show on TV.

He’s doing it a little differently this time. No piano. He still looks like an arrogant putz. And, like he does with just about every song, he insists on holding the notes longer than the original. Puke material here.

Randy gushes and again confirms our suspicions that it was fixed from the get go. Paula is speechless but talks anyway. Simon says it was a knockout. I AM SO SICK OF THE BOXING ANALOGY

Man it would be cool if America told American Idol and the judges to go to hell by voting David Cook to victory. Where’s my phone?