American Idol Results Show

I can’t believe I’m going to sit through a 2 hour FOX infomercial just to find out who wins. I could just tune in at 9:55 and find out. “I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?” Beck must have been writing about me.

I’ll spare everyone the pain of me writing about the FOX promo’s and Ford commercials.

So what exactly does tonight mean.

For David Cook probably not a whole lot. First or second (aka first loser) place probably won’t make any difference for him. He’s going to get some kind of recording deal and people know what he’s about.

The stakes would appear to be higher for Little Archie. If he loses he has to go back to Utah with the ‘world’s scariest stage dad’ (expect of course for the idol tour this summer) and get locked in the basement to practice in front of his mirror until the next contest show rolls around. If he wins he gets controlled by the American Idol powers that be. Maybe they could make him into some type of Disneyesqe character. Kinda like a male version of Hannah Montana. Then we could see his sad little puppy dog face on lunch boxes, back packs and halter tops for years. Or at least until he goes the way of other Disney child stars and starts getting into all kind of trouble and finds himself in rehab, jail or just being plain trashy. i.e. Britney, Lindsay, Christina Aguilera, various people from high School musical etc…There’s a new show for you; “Disney Stars Gone Wild’.

Randy is dressed like Huggy Bear from Starksy and Hutch.
Paula is missing the middle part of her dress and his showing off her ‘shoes’
And Simon needs to button up his shirt, as usual.

Time for the group sing-a-long. The top 12 are on stage dressed in all white like the Good Humor Man and singing ‘It’s Alright’ and trying to dance. There are also a bunch of slutty dancers on either side of them who can actually dance.

Now a duet of the two David’s.

And then the two are with some weird guru guy. I don’t know what the hell I just watched. Where is my wine? Ok that was amusing even if it was a shameless movie promo. Mike Myers is a funny man.

Syesha is doing a duet with Seal. Well that’s cool for her. And they look good together – no offense Heidi.

JC has returned. Alleluia! Not that JC. Jason Castro is back singing Alleluia. The type of song he does very well.

Ford promo. They give each of them some hybrid SUV. Archie will need some phone books to sit on. Maybe he can use the one Randy is always saying he could sing.

The top 6 chicks are singing Donna Summer’s “She works Hard for the Money”. The choreography is horrible. Especially skunk girls’. She looks like she would rather be at a biker bar…hell so would I. Donna Summer makes an appearance. She’s had some bad surgery but can still sing. It’s a medley of her songs with the idol-babes. Syesha is in danger of falling out of her dress.

Tattoo girl is signing ‘The Letter’ by the Boxtops with Michael Johns. They were my favorite male and female singer so I’m digging this part.

Jimmy Kimmel is out for a little comedic relief. Some funny lines but he’s not very energetic.

Now the 6 Idol dudes are singing Bryan Adams’ “Summer of 69”. And then we go into medley time. Now Mr. Adams joins them on stage. He’s looking alright for 48. I’m liking this – guilty pleasure time for me.

Quiz time:

Who is showing more cleavage tonight?

A. Syesha
B. Simon
C. Paula
D. The Donk

Big David is on stage with ZZ Top. He’s got to be digging that. They are singing ‘Sharp Dressed Man’. I’d rather hear ‘La Grange’ but this is a pop show. Maybe they will bring out Bette Midler and Barbara Streisand to sing with Baby Elmo.

Brooke White is singing “Teach Your Children Well” with Graham Nash. The 60’s were rough on Graham. They do a pleasant version of it. It’s no CSN but it’s good.

Can Idol not get any contemporary artists? Not that I don’t like the old guys. But…

I spoke too soon…the Jonas Brothers are on stage. Where oh where is my barf bag? Bring back the geezers. Even my 12 and 13 year old daughters don’t like them.

Now clips of all the bad, strange and bizarre auditions. I know I shouldn’t laugh but…ROFLMAO. Now we get Renaldo Lapuz! Live! Plus the USC Marching Band and Cheerleaders?! This is one weird show. Where is my peyote?

One Republic is singing “Apologize” with Archie. Um, whatever. I’ve seen worse.

Jordin Sparks is now on stage in a Gold Tin Foil dress and looks like she belongs in The Wizard of oz. I could be wrong, I often am, but she looks like she is lip-singing.

Now we have Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey Jr. doing a Pips impersonation with a video of Gladys Night. They are singing “Midnight Train to Georgia”. The weird factor keeps going up and up. Wine and peyote are no longer enough.

Carrie Underwood is out strutting her stuff. For a country song it is tolerable. Rob don’t do country. Feel free to add her to the cleavage quiz above. Or maybe I should add a ‘most leg exposure’ quiz…nah I’d win that. Have you seen me in running shorts?

The top 12 one last time…promises promises. They are doing a medley of songs from George Michael. And of course here he comes. (Dirty little secret – back in the 80’s I drove Sam to Philly to see Wham in concert. Sam crushed on him, although she won’t admit it). He is 1 year older than I. I’m definitely hotter. I don’t have to worry about Sam leaving me for him anymore. Oh I guess it would be me George would want anyway…never mind.

And finally it’s results time. A few last words from our illustrious judges. Randula rambles. Simon apologizes to DC.

And the winner is David Cook. America told the FOX people off. Way to stick it to The Man. It's not that I think David Cook is going to start the next Radiohead. I just don’t like to have the winner picked for me ahead a time. Plus I kinda like him. So now we know why Simon apologized. He didn’t want to look stupid when the winner was announced.

David C sings the winner song and that’s it folks we are running overtime here.